On Losing Faith

If you ask anyone who's infertile, I'm sure they'll tell you that their emotions go up and down in waves.

You can be high; full of hope. You start to believe that this time around will work - that you've waited long enough, it's got to be your time. You look for signs, for significant dates, for something, anything that will make the next cycle.. the one.

But then, all so suddenly, you can be down; full of sadness, envy, bitterness. You watch as everyone around you gets pregnant with no trouble, you feel so so sad about their happiness, when all you want to do is be unconditionally happy for them. You feel like this whole damn process is never-ending. You're cynical. You find reasons why you're infertile - you're too fat, too ugly, too selfish.

I need to get back in a positive mindset before we start IVF #2 in a few weeks time. I don't want to be doubting whether it will work, I want to believe that it might. Surely our luck can only get better after the last dismal result, right? Anyway.. that is my goal. Get my faith back.

IVF #2 - The Details

So, I have finally got a few extra details about IVF #2 from our clinic. 

July 10 - Meds appointment. Begin Lucrin injections {in lieu of Synarel}
July 19 - Begin Puregon injections.
Monitoring, ultrasounds, the usual.... until:
July 30-Aug 4 - Estimated egg pick up. Guess who's birthday falls on July 31? :) Maybe it's a good sign.
And because everyone loves a Spencer picture, here's his latest - proudly showing off his brand new tag. 

Frustrations.

On weight loss:
"Just lose weight and you'll be pregnant in no time!"
{If losing weight was that easy, don't you think I would have done that by now?}

On unexpected OOPS pregnancies:
"Yay! Congrats! So much easier than spending ages stressing out about TTC!"
{Because nothing gets an infertile down further than how much 'easier' it is for people to ooops! get pregnant.}

On old wives tales:
"My friend's sister's room-mate swore by ___, ___ & ___ and she's pregnant with twins!"
{You name it, we've probably tried it. Hot yoga isn' going to fix our medical problems, but thanks anyway.}

On IVF #2:
"I've heard it can take up to 5 cycles before a successful pregnancy, so just keep going!"
{Would YOU like to be lending me thousands of dollars for each unsuccessful cycle? Go right ahead.}

On being younger than 30:
"You're still young! You have plenty of time to get pregnant."
{At this point, my age is the only thing I have going for me. The longer we don't get pregnant, the harder it gets.}

I get it, you're trying to make me feel better. But all you're actually doing is making things worse. agree with me, empathise with me if you can, but don't belittle this experience. There's a chance that we won't be lucky enough to be biological parents at all - so please, stop, and think before you speak.

Marking My Calendar

I've spent the last three days in limbo - cranky, impatient limbo, that is.

Today, finally, I got the all clear for IVF #2. Since my fertility clinic uses the long down-reg protocol, nothing exciting is happening right now - nothing except the birth control pill. (I hate, HATE this part of the IVF cycle.)

I go in for my first meds appointment on July 10 - which just happens to fall in the school holidays, perfect timing! :) Instead of Synarel nasal spray, I'm going to be doing Lucrin injections. They'll also be increasing my Puregon dosage from 125ml for 7 days, to 175/150ml for 7 days. Hopefully that's enough to stimulate my stubbornly rubbish ovaries into gear, unlike last time...

Anyway, I'm ridiculously pleased. I like having dates to look forward to. Makes me feel like we're actually doing something, instead of just waiting around & wishing the days away. So here's to time flying by, to stabbing myself with needles, to googling every little symptom and to being thankful for having a husband who still loves me through all my crazy hormonal mood swings.

CD1

After nearly two months, ten days of progesterone tablets & a whole lot of impatience - we're finally back at CD1. It's a cruel game, this infertility business. You don't WANT to get a period, but at the same time, it's cause for celebration when the bloody thing decides to arrive.

Anyway. Back to scratch. We've had our mandatory rest period, and I'm hoping that we're all set to head towards IVF #2 in the next couple of months. No word yet on dates, but keep your fingers crossed for us. No matter what happens, I'll be on the birth control pill for the next month - boring, boring, boring.

(I wish my clinic did antagonist cycles. I want to just get on with things, not waste more time.)

Sometimes I feel like teaching is the worst possible job to be in when you're trying for a baby. Being surrounded by other people's children is always hard, on some days more than others. Caring so much for the welfare of somebody else's baby, feeling unappreciated for the efforts you make, and realising that you could be a good parent yourself one day.. it kind of stings. Lately I've been craving an office job, one where I could hide away for just a little while.

So Over Feeling Sick

Last week, I picked up a stomach bug from my kids. It was a virus that had been going around the classroom (vomit! yay!) and my immune system decided that it was shutting up shop. That was a lovely two days, let me tell you.

Last weekend, I felt the tickles of a cold starting. It got so bad over the long weekend that I didn't leave the house, not even for our wedding anniversary. We ended up ordering in Thai food & eating cake. In pyjamas. It was special.

This week, I am still sick. This cold will NOT quit. I'm so tired, because I can't breathe while sleeping at night. My throat hurts, my sinuses are giving me constant headaches, and I've worked every day this week because I need to save up the last of my work sick days for IVF #2 when it comes around. I'm just wrecked.

I've had 12 kids in my class all week - out of 24. Literally half a class. No wonder we're all sick!

On top of the illness, school reports and data has been due this week. I'm finished for now, but after my supervisor edits them all, I have to get them prepared to send home in the next few weeks. If I can get through this next fortnight with no more illness, I'll be happy.

11 work days to go, but who's counting?

One Year Down...

Today marks our first wedding anniversary. It feels strange going back to celebrating one, when we're coming up to our decade anniversary in just a few short months. It's been one heck of a year! Let me backtrack to June 11, 2011.

It's all the little things that stand out so clearly now, a year on. Standing alongside friends & family members.
Being paranoid about getting to the church on time; in the rush I forgot my veil & didn't have any bridal shots done.
Searching for my soon-to-be-husband's face as I walked down the aisle; wanting to see his expression.
My nervous husband practically whispering his wedding vows & sneaking little smiles at me.
Getting rained out during our wedding photographs and having to break out the gumboots & the brolly.
Holding his hands as my bustle got stitched into my wedding dress, thanks to a button malfunction.
Seeing him crack up into hysterical laughter as I fell on my ass in the middle of our reception.
Our first dances together. Awkwardly, in front of our friends and family. And emotionally, with just us.
The wedding was lovely, but so was our first year of married life. We had lots of great things happen!
In December, we brought home our second kitty - Evie. Her & Oscar are now BFFs. :)
In January, we moved into our brand new home - thank goodness for finishing the building stage. Phew!
And in May, the newest love of our life, Spencer, joined our little family. We love our fur babies so much.
The year hasn't been all positive, though. We've continued to struggle with our efforts to have a baby. There were many months of frustration, of sadness, of disappointment. Other people around us fell pregnant with ease, gave birth, celebrated milestones. We went through months of failed ovulation, thousands of dollars worth of fertility treatment, and a failed IVF cycle. We have another IVF cycle coming up in the next few months.
There's one good thing that has come out of our infertility journey: we've made it through together. Most people trying for a baby won't experience the emotional (and sometimes physical) trauma that comes with the territory. There might be disappointments & impatience, but ultimately they'll get there in the end without losing too much sleep. For us, we've learned to talk things through more - to share more. It's all too easy to keep the hard stuff under wraps, to try and protect the other person from the hurt. We have had a rough road to future parenthood so far; we've still got a long way to go. No matter what, we'll get through it together.
To my husband, happy first anniversary. I love you so much (as do the cats... and the dog) and I'm so blessed to be married to you. Thank you for looking after me & for letting me look after you, too.

Ovary Fail

After 19 days of High on the Clearblue Fertility Monitor & a gradual fading OPK pattern... I'm done. A Low this morning & a blindingly white stick = yet another month of anovulation.

They say the months after IVF are your most fertile, thanks to the residual hormones & all that jazz. That's what they say. All I know is that even with a dose of Clomid to try and help things along, my reproductive organs have closed shop and refuse to budge.

I should've taken the Provera a week ago, when I had my first inklings of doubt. Instead, I waited. I waited, thinking I might have a nice surprise (albeit late) ovulation, and we'd get a shot at conceiving in June, the month of our wedding anniversary. Stupid me.

So, today is Day 1 of a 10 day meds cycle, to bring on AF. Now, I have at least a fortnight ahead of me, and then some, while we wait for AF and get this useless waiting period over.

On Anovulatory Cycles & Puppy Teething

I wish I had something positive to write about in terms of where we're at in the TTC-journey. It's CD22 and I'm still nowhere near ovulating (if I do at all) so despite using the OPK sticks & the Fertility Monitor regularly, things aren't working. This is with Clomid, too. Seriously - I must be the most unresponsive ovulator on the planet.

The main decision I have to make over the next week or so is when to bite the bullet & start taking Provera to bring on a period. I want this cycle over, which makes me think I should start taking it tomorrow. But at the same time, what if I'm just a couple of days away from potentially ovulating late? Super faint OPK's mean nothing in the grand scheme of things... but do I give it more time and see? I'm so over this. At least with IVF you have a good idea of your time-frames. I don't know.

In the meantime, how about a token puppy picture? Spencer has grown so much in a week - his stubby legs are starting to get bigger, he's eating more, and he's full of energy. He's also discovering that chewing & digging are FUN FUN FUN past times. (Not so fun for us!)

We've worked on a few little training commands - mostly getting him to know his name, to come and to sit. Staying is next on the horizon. He's such a goofball. Oscar & Evie are getting braver, though Oscar has smacked the puppy a few times for coming too close too quickly. They'll get there!





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