A lot of people assume that once you've had a baby, the sting of infertility melts away. I wish that were true.
Now, don't think for one second that I don't wake up every morning or go to bed each night, not remembering how blessed we are to have Georgia in our lives. Trust me, it's something I will never take for granted.
But hearing pregnancy announcements still feels like a kick in the guts. It's a reminder of something that should have been 'easy', should have just 'happened', was that 'natural' thing that most women can choose to plan.
So many things make me angry. Hearing people complain about it taking so long to conceive - and by 'so long', we're talking two or three months. It's just so unreal: we tried for almost two years, two years that felt like an eternity. And sadly, two years is small fry compared to so many others in the Infertility circles I'm in! Hearing about the OOPS pregnancies. Hearing the complaints and gripes about being pregnant: 'Why am I doing this?' - or worse - 'Why did I choose to do this AGAIN?' They have no idea how lucky they are.
Even people who I would consider close to me can't escape my bitterness. While I'm happy, and glad things have worked out for the best for them, I still feel sad. Why did it have to be us that had the hard slog? Why did we have to pay money, a LOT of money, for a child? Why did we have to go through months of disappointment, of surgical procedures, of loaded negative pregnancy tests, when others can get that BFP without even needing to think?
I'm sad that when it comes time to try for a future baby, we won't be able to 'time it'. We won't be able to try 'when the time is right' or plan for that perfect age-gap between babies. I'm sad that it'll take money, doctors appointments, stress. And I'm nervous that despite all those things, it may not even work.
I'm not an awful person. I'm so thankful to have this little person in my life, that we were able to add to our family of fur-babies with our beautiful baby girl. I just wish people understood that the infertility and the pain doesn't magically disappear after becoming a parent. It still hurts, and it sucks.
Amidst all the hard stuff though, she is learning so much! She flips from her tummy to her back pretty quickly now. She grabs objects and gives them a cuddle. She has figured out her tongue exists, and has started shoving things into her mouth. Best of all, she recognises me! Every morning when she wakes up grizzling in her cradle, I hover over her & tell her good morning and oh, the smiles. Her whole little face lights up. I'll never get tired of this.
And, she's growing! Four weeks ago, at 7+2 days, Georgia weighed in at 4.630kg. Yesterday, at 11+2 days, she weighed 5.265kg. That's a rate of 150g on average per week. Makes me feel better that my little one is getting what she needs from me, especially since our feeding journey has been pretty darned difficult.
She still feels quite petite for her age, but she's healthy and thriving & has the yummiest little arm and leg rolls that you could seriously devour. I wish it were summer time, so I could have her in short suits all the time!
Georgia has been doing the occasional smiles for the past few weeks now. Mostly if you stroke her face, or as she's drifting off to sleep, or as she's tooting happily away in her nappy.
It's only in the past few days that she's starting to smile out of recognition. I thought it was a fluke the first time, as I changed her nappy in the middle of the night & she gummed one out at me. But then, I saw it again and I wasn't so sure! I shed a tear when I witnessed Jason get his first 'daddy' smile this week. He'd just walked in the door and she'd just woken up from a nap, but was still down in her crib. He leaned over to kiss her hello, and she gave him the biggest, cheesiest smile. So beautiful!
Since then, the challenge has been on to capture it on camera. I have loads of blurry attempts, but she flashes it so quickly that I just can't keep up. Until this morning, that is. Are you ready for extreme cuteness?
I decided to test her out again, so I disappeared out of her vision, grabbed my phone and popped up over her cot again. And what do you know? Smiles!
I know all parents are biased, but Georgia is just so darned beautiful. I can't wait to watch her grow up. :)