We're at the point of the pregnancy where my anxiety will peak, but it's mingled with complete happiness & excitement too.
We're in double digits, and it's a really nice place to be. I'm happy to have gotten further than we have in a pregnancy in a long time, with a seemingly healthy little peanut at this point in time.
Some random musings for today...
- I hate progesterone. I hate how expensive progesterone is. I hate it because it takes up so much time in my day. I hate leakage. I hate the goop that's constantly making my toilet look filthy, the white sludge. I hate it because I need it and can't go without it.
- Mucus. There, I said it. Just revolting. Also so much more of it this time. *barf*
- Double digits are amazing, but also terrifying. My next appointment is Thursday and I'll be 10w5d, almost the same point where we found out we lost Noah. #ptsd
- I am crampy and back achy and sore and terrified. Seriously, will the terror ever end?
- I love my Doppler. Hubby thinks I'm mental, but I feel the need to check in every morning and make sure baby is still there, heart beating away. Sometimes he hides, sometimes I find him immediately, sometimes he blends in with all of the other whooshes and thuds going on in there. I know that hearing baby's heartbeat doesn't guarantee a healthy pregnancy (trust me, I know) ... but it's nice having one little thing I can control.
- Gas pains are evil. That is all.
- I have apparently forgotten everything about being pregnant before - because I feel like I'm over-analysing every twinge, and googling to see if it's 'normal'.
- Speaking of Google... why does every search about pregnancy end up sending me to a link about miscarriage? It's making me a bit twitchy.
- My nails are tremendously strong and pretty right now. I'm rather proud of them.
- Yesterday was my nephew's first birthday, and we had a great time celebrating. My own sweet boy would have been celebrating his birthday this month too, had we been lucky enough to meet him. I can't believe how different our lives have turned out to how we hoped and imagined.
- Almost 3-year-olds can't keep secrets. Apparently Georgia's been telling her daycare teachers that 'there's a baby in mummy's tummy!' Geez kid. I love that she is excited (she's come to enough appointments to know what's going on) but I'm scared to have to go into damage control mode should the worst happen.
Guess which baby has grown arms and legs this past week? THIS ONE!
This week, baby is back to measuring bang on average for dates (9w5d) & almost 2.9cm long and still has a heart rate in the high 170's. It even wiggled around on the screen for me today!
The OB is still telling me all is well, and that statistically, we're looking good... but you know me, always petrified. Next scan will be in a week, where I'll hopefully be in double digits.
On the plus side.. I am officially all clear for taking a nice long bath - provided I make it lukewarm. This week has been pretty calm in terms of bleeding (so far, touch wood & all that) so I'm hoping to take advantage of that and soak my poor achy back.
One more week down. Come on baby!
Last night, I had an awful dream.
I was in a procedure room & they told me that the baby had died - and they were trying to put me under to organise a d&c. Only thing was... the anaesthetic wasn't working and I was wide awake. After I finally conked out and woke up, the doctor (an old GP from my childhood) told me that hey, surprise! There was actually a heartbeat. I couldn't believe it.. but then he continued on by telling me that baby looked like it had chromosomal issues & that there would be no happy ending to this story.
I woke up shaking.
I think I know why I was so preoccupied at bedtime. Yesterday, I had to book in for my 12 week scan and my NIPT blood test - and it was something I was really, really struggling with. I've had to cancel a 12 week scan before (when we lost the baby the week before) and I just... didn't want to do anything to jinx this pregnancy, you know? Unfortunately, I couldn't prolong the booking any longer though; if I didn't book now, I would be at risk of not squeezing in for a booking in the 12th week.
I got off the phone after booking it and promptly had a panic attack. It wasn't pretty. Thankfully, I've been seeing my counsellor for the last little while and we have strategies in place to help when things hit, but man.. it was a doozy.
The dream sums up my biggest fears at the moment - that baby will pass, and we'll lose it in utero. Or, that tests will show that there are medical/genetic issues with it, and we'll end up in a sad situation at some point during the pregnancy.
I've tried so hard to stay distanced from this baby, in case things don't work out - but you know it doesn't work that way. From the moment we saw a baby with a flicker, that was that. That's OUR baby. There's just so much at stake. I've just got to try and keep the faith, and remember that this is a new baby, a new chance, with new odds and new hope.
Baby measured just fine at the OB on Friday. He thinks all is looking good, heart rate nice and high (over 180 - that seems super high!) and we even got to witness a little leg wiggling on the scan.
The doctor asked me if I was feeling a little better. He is positive, and thinks I should be too - and of course, I'm always relieved seeing a scan with a little bean still where it should be. Thing is, we've been here before. Things looked good... until they weren't. BUT... we're getting closer to milestones that we haven't been close to for a very long time.
9w4d - the length that our baby was when we discovered he had passed away.
11w - the scan that showed our missed miscarriage
12w - the furthest we will have made it since Georgia's pregnancy.
One week at a time.
For now, little baby is measuring 2.4cm, 9w1d, and is seemingly happy and healthy.And just this morning, I was playing around with my old home doppler & I managed to catch its heartbeat here at home. The sweetest sound.
So, here we are.. midway through week 8 and still frightened that things could go wrong at any moment. Baby measured a day or two behind again this week, so I'm not sure where I actually fall date-wise, but I'm just going full speed ahead that our dates are mid-October and leaving it at that.
The pattern with this pregnancy seems to go as follows:
- Have a few good days and start believing that things might be fine
- Start spotting and get worried
- Have an epic bleed & assume the worst is over
- Surprisingly find out baby is okay and go back to hoping
- Rinse & repeat
Our wee one is still there, just hanging out in my 'ute, seemingly oblivious to all of the crazy stuff that's going on around it.
8w2d & a whopping 2cm in length. My heart is bursting. It even looks a little bit more like a BABY this week! :) :)
I hit 8 weeks yesterday and was so excited - even spent the morning wondering if I should start up a weekly rundown for the blog, to try and think positively that this little one could keep going into a real, take home baby.
That afternoon, I had another bleed. A BIG bleed. I rang the local hospital who rang my OB, who suggested if I soaked at least one pad, to go through the emergency and get looked at. I'd gone through two by that point. With the help of my parents & hubby, wrangling miss G and myself respectively, we sat in the ER for hours, waiting for an ultrasound.
Six hours later, we saw baby. Through the tummy and on the world's most disappointing ultrasound machine, but he was still there & there was still a tiny flicker. No measurements, just a baby where it was supposed to be. A cervical check showed it was still closed, but evidence of new and old blood, so because of that, we now have a label:
None of this can be easy, can it?
We got home in the wee hours, had a few hours of sleep, and here we are now, wide awake on a Sunday morning and with not a lot to do other than rest and keep my feet up. We need to ring the OB tomorrow morning and see if he can squeeze us in earlier than Wednesday, and just pray that the baby continues holding on and growing. If I fill another pad with bleeding, they asked me to go back in and present back to Emergency.
I'm still crampy and my back is sore, but I'm mostly spotting brown now. All my other miscarriages, my body had no idea & the embryos/babies were the things to go wrong. This time, it seems like the baby is doing everything right, but my body is being an asshole. I have no idea what's going on!
Today was our official IVF dating ultrasound.
My estimated due date from our IVF transfer kept coming up as October 15th. At our last few OB appointments, baby measured a little behind those dates. Today, baby measured exactly 7 weeks + 3 days - so our tentative due date of October 15th sticks for now! :)
Heart-rate was up to 152bpm. This week, it looks more like a shark than a tadpole. I can't wait for it to look like a tiny human!
The only questionable thing I noticed when I looked at the ultrasound report when I got home, was that while baby was measuring fine, the actual gestational sac itself only measured at 6w6d, so a few days behind. Hopefully it catches up as the little one grows.
No more scans until next week - so all we can do is cross our fingers and hope for some more growth in that time!