Grieving & Hoping

I've spent the last few days in a bit of a blur, thinking and over-thinking what's to come in the next few months. It's all baby-centred, of course - but that's to be expected, since we've started our first ever IVF cycle. Let me back track a little and explain how that meeting went down.

On Thursday, we took the day off work to attend our nursing interview and program orientation at the fertility centre. It's located in a public hospital {with notoriously bad parking!} so we went a little early to suss the place out and find a good spot to park. Thankfully we found a paid parking area that wasn't completely full, so off we wandered to try and find the clinic. That's when we proceeded to get completely lost, end up walking through staff offices, and see me end up <-----> this close from having a meltdown on the spot. We eventually found it, but not before walking through the Women's Health Clinic, aka preggo city, and ending up drenched in sweat.

Our nurse was lovely. She took my height and weight measurements, gave me a swipecard for identification in the future, and sat down with us for a good hour, going over our long cycle. Looking at our history, she said she felt confident that IVF without ICSI would do the trick, though that could be revisited in the future if we don't achieve any successful pregnancies. The clinic we're using is public & not-for-profit, so they can only place so many couples on the program at each time, and we were SO lucky to get on immediately. I suppose the fluke of being CD1 at our appointment paid off!

The protocol for us is in the mail, so we should know more about the specifics in the coming weeks. I'll be sure to share that with you, later.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this whole experience, I am. At the same time, I'm trying to protect my heart and my confidence, and be realistic in the fact that it might not work for us. We might need to revisit this process several times, and it's going to take time. Everyone seems to have a story about IVF, about friends falling pregnant on the first time, about the likelihood of carrying twins, about this, about that. That's all well and good {and is mostly well meaning} but I need to focus on me and J. Our journey might go smoothly, or it might not.

So while things are exciting and new, and will hopefully bring about good things in the future.. I'm still grieving. I'm grieving the loss of the baby that we might have conceived the natural way. I'm grieving the loss of a surprising, unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. I'm grieving each time I hear an announcement of a pregnancy, or a baby arriving, from friends, family members, internet strangers.

But this is not meant to be a post all about sadness and loss. It's a hopeful one. It's knowing that we are on the path that we're meant to be on. As much as I complain about waiting, about having nothing to update, and about this whole process, just know this: I feel so grateful, too. I'm grateful that we can afford to make sacrifices financially, to make this happen. I'm grateful that our families support us, no matter what happens. And I'm grateful to have my husband, who truly is my other half.

Our chance to become parents in 2012 is over. But maybe, just maybe, 2013 will be our year.

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Becky said...

Thank you for sharing this Aly. I think your attitude about your journey with J being different than al these stories you're told is a very healthy outlook, but I know can also be frustrating because like you said the people are well-meaning.

I'm excited for you all as you start this process, and I hope you only have to do it once! Fingers crossed!

Our Wired Lives said...

Change and loss are important aspects of life to grieve. Take your time.. better now then later. Big hugs, Aly. I hope you'll continue sharing your story and your perspective. It's such an important one.

Unknown said...

Oh Aly, praying for you and Jas and your new baby.

Michelle MGD said...

Thinking of you! Infertility is so evil. I also think regularly about how I might not be able to have a child on my own and how other people are so blessed to wake up one day and see that positive test they want so badly. Best of luck as you take on this exciting new challenge!

Nichole said...

Praying for y'all & crossing my fingers this works for you. I've been following you since WeddingBee and my heart aches for you- No one should have to go through this sort of thing. My husband and I are TTC and I'm trying my hardest to not stress, that things will happen in time, but the fear of infertility is constantly on my mind. I look forward to reading more about this new journey- Stay positive & good luck!

Emilie said...

Love you girly xox

Audrey said...

I am so very hopeful for you and J!

~Mum~ said...

love you baby girl
so much it hurts !!!

Unknown said...

Dear Alynda, I have been down the road, driven it for over 34 months, one natural baby (18 months of trying) then an IVF cycle and a baby first try. It is seriously the hardest thing anyone can do. Please relax and dont over think anything, the moment my embryo was transfered i relaxed and treated myself like I was pregnant, I willed it on in my head and not a negative thought was ever thought...I put my feet up and rested, took a week off school and switched off. Just one way I dealt with it. Good luck and smile, it is the hardest of roads but worth it in the end. I cried the most the day I was treated badly by a mum for taking max to one of my 7am appointments, she was angry I had my child there and how dare I bring him and SHOW him off, bitterness and disappointment breaks the soul and that day I was shocked at how women treat other women...... stay strong and positive xxxxxxxxx

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