FET #4 - Let's Get It Started

My period arrived yesterday, during a visit from a lovely lady who came bearing a chai latte and a box of maltesers - that's a good friend, right there. Funnily enough, the last time I saw her was during my first failed cycle of this year while I was also waiting for a period... and guess what came the next day? You guessed it! I think we're going to have to start calling her Aunty Flo. 

Today is CD2. This morning I started taking progynova tablets - the form of oestrogen my clinic uses for HRT FET cycles. The side effects look... fun. Breast tenderness, breast pain, abdominal pain, nausea, oedema, headache, skin rash, insomnia and depression.

Let's face it... I'd take any of those symptoms if it meant I was able to grow a healthy baby in my belly.

As I write this, I'm feeling pretty numb. I'm excited that we're off, but that's about it. These past few months have been nothing but disappointments, getting left behind over and over again. I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic. I'm not naive enough to think that just because we're trying a new approach means that we'll get pregnant. If only it was as easy for us as it was for {seemingly} everybody else.

I haven't been as vocal about starting this new round. The support groups I've been a part of don't feel the same as they used to... and I think I'm at the point in my journey where people just don't know what to say anymore. Add that to the fact that I've been feeling so damned uncomfortable around friends who are pregnant - despite my best efforts and attempts at putting on a brave face - and I feel more alone than ever right now. I guess this time around is proving to be very much about hubby & I fumbling through together.

Here we go.

Another Missing Period

My last birth control pill was taken on Sunday morning. It's now Thursday, and once again, I have no period in sight. I can't even blame anything being wrong with my ovaries - there's no cyst, there's a lining there, ready to shed... it's just my body, again, not doing anything right. The nurse said on Monday's ultrasound that my lining was around 8mm, so a decent amount to shed. I asked how long it would take to bleed, and she said with that lining, she expected me to have a period soon. It's been four days, and nothing. I wonder how long we'll have to wait around.

All I want is a chance. A CHANCE for god's sake! I've long given up hoping for a miracle... I just want a shot.

I've been doing okay over these past few weeks. Disappointed and holding it all together, but okay. This week has been hard though. A whole bunch more pregnancy announcements, a due date around the corner, and a pretty awful case of the 'it's not fair's. Life isn't fair. I know this. I just wish it didn't continue to slap me in the face all the time.

I swear, I can't handle another few days of parsley tea. :(

Cyst is GONE!

Oh thank heavens... the cyst is GONE! I've never felt so relieved during a session with dildo-cam, let me tell you.

Now we wait for a period (please please please don't let me down, body!) and then we can go ahead with another FET on CD1.

AAAAAAAH, the anticipation! I am so excited. :) :) :)

Not Full Term... or Halfway.

Sometimes I get so focussed on my first miscarriage, that I 'forget' the second one. I say forget loosely, since of course I'll never FORGET, but you know... I get so easily distracted.

Like today, for instance. I saw a post from a friend who got pregnant around the same time as me for the second pregnancy, and she's halfway along now. Halfway! My mind has been so wrapped up on the whole 'I would have been full term' thing, that it totally skipped my mind that the second pregnancy/miscarriage would have been closer to the end as well.

That really hurts.

To be sitting here all this time later, and still with no baby in my belly... this really sucks. Today sucks.

Progynova & SET's

Right, back to reality.

We have an ultrasound booked for this coming Monday to check on the dodgy ovarian cyst that appeared during my cancelled FET last month. If it's clear (please, please, please let it be clear) I'm hopefully going to get off the birth control, have a bleed, and get going on a new FET.

The plan this time is to try a non-ovulatory cycle, since I have such a shady history of ovulation - drugs or not. We'll start with Progynova (E2) tablets, and then add in a huge amount of progesterone to thicken up the lining, before hopefully transferring an embryo when conditions look optimal.

It all sounds really simple in theory - but of course, it depends on how my body responds to these medications as well. And we won't even be able to begin this course of treatment if the cyst hasn't disappeared, so again, we're stuck in limbo for a little while longer.

Speaking of transfers..

I have always been adamant about doing Single Embryo Transfers. I mean, it took a few cycles, but it worked for Georgia (a 5-day blastocyst) and it also worked for the two miscarriage cycles. That said, we have a few frosties in the freezer at the moment, and so I emailed my FS asking if she'd consider granting us approval for a Double Embryo Transfer during one of our upcoming FET's.

She shot that down FAST. She thinks I have a good chance of getting pregnant again off a SET, and that the risk of multiples is too high - so my track record for getting pregnant is holding me back, despite the fact that 2/3 of those pregnancies have miscarried. She also indicated that my PCOS would mean I'd be at risk for GD in future pregnancies, so adding multiples to that equation wouldn't be ideal.

I have to say, I have mixed feelings about her response. I suppose it reinforces my idea of SET's being the way to go - but a part of me is sad that they won't even give me the choice to do a DET, especially if the embryos can't be re-frozen for whatever reason. Ah well, out of my hands now, I guess. I am struggling to see myself getting pregnant at all lately, but time will tell what this batch of frozen embryos has in store for us. At this rate, it'd be nice to just get to a transfer!

Fingers crossed for some good news on Monday. :)

Home Again

We officially survived our first family holiday - and had an amazing time. Fiji - you guys - it's beautiful.

Little miss was really good, and it was the perfect place to take a toddler on vacation. The locals absolutely love children and always seemed to remember her name and give her high-fives and little treats. It was a whole lot of relaxing poolside, afternoon siestas, and rejuvenation. And the views!
Each day, we were brought a complimentary glass of champagne, and we usually had this on our balcony or in our room. If there was one place in the world where I really felt that the universe could hear me, it was there. Peaceful, quiet, beautiful, and gave me a bit of hope that things could be okay.
Here's to a fresh start.

Fiji Bound

It's time to head off on our much-needed getaway. 

See you when we get back!

Life Goes On

I've just been floating around in a bubble for the last few days, not quite sure what to do with myself. I've gone to the gym, I've sung countless songs with my girl, I've cuddled the fur babies, and the husband... and I've taken my birth control pills.
The irony of that hits me every time I swallow that little yellow pill. A contraceptive, while you're into your second year of your second bout of infertility.. how ridiculous. But hey, what's another month?
It's going to be a busy week. We have a baby shower for our soon-to-arrive niece/nephew (I say boy!) tomorrow, catch ups with the in-laws, another daycare orientation for Georgia, two more gym classes & lots of packing to do before we head off on our holiday. I like busy. Busy seems to help make the time go faster. Life has a tendency of doing that; disappearing pretty quickly - unless you're waiting on something special and important; then it slows down to a crawl. An actual shot at a transfer, a shot at a pregnancy, feels a million miles away. 
I'm looking forward to some soul searching while we're away in Fiji. I need a bit of distance to get away from everything. To look at my family and appreciate every moment we spend together, just the three of us, in a beautiful place in a special part of the world. I'm hopeful that we can come back with a fresh outlook on things.
It has to all turn out okay eventually.. right?

FET #3 - Over & Out

Our FET was cancelled today. It's over before we even got excited about squeezing in a transfer.

Seems like our run of bad luck is continuing, doesn't it?

This morning's scan showed another cyst on my ovary. They couldn't confirm if it was the one from last month, reborn - or a whole new cyst that sprung up during the stims. There were other follicles there, but most were hardly measurable; meaning that the cyst was taking all of the FSH drugs. My E2 levels were still baseline.

With the cycle being cancelled, we're left out of pocket for clinic expenses - and add in the cost of all the wasted medication, we're up shit creek there. They'll transfer a portion of the cost across for our next cycle, but we'll still be paying the difference. What's another couple of hundred, or thousand dollars, when you've already spent a small fortune on doctor bills and meds and procedures, right?

I started birth control this afternoon. Instead of being happily relaxed on our holidays, I'll be a week into my course of pills, which give me horrible symptoms. Hooray for that. We go for a scan at the end of a month to monitor the cyst, and if it's still there, we continue on the pill.

So, there went our miracle cycle. There went our last shot at a transfer before our baby's due date. There goes another cycle, another month, another SHOT. I'm really questioning my faith over here.

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