Waiting for beta results is just plain torture.
That is all.
Am a nervous, anxious, petrified wreck.
Knock me over with a feather, folks. It appears that - as of today - we are pregnant!
12dpo hcg - 28, progesterone 15
17dpo hcg - 286, progesterone 30.4
The test will be in the doubling, of course - so we'll likely go back on Friday for follow up bloodwork. Breathe, just breathe.
To say I am absolutely petrified about tomorrow's beta blood draw is an understatement.
The pee sticks look okay - but then, they did last time too. It's hard to hope, epecially since they started out so faint this time too. I do have some darkening sticks from the last few days, though. The thing is, my morning sticks are always fainter than the afternoons. It seems to go against every bit of pee stick literature that you can find on the internet... but there it is.
I haven't used any pregnancy tests today. I figure that whatever will be, will be. In 24+ hours, we'll have an answer.
I want this more than I can put into words. To get a chance at carrying another baby, to hope that this one might turn out different. Fifth time lucky, perhaps? Could this be our rainbow, rainbow, rainbow baby?
So yesterday morning, I deemed this cycle a bust. I ripped apart the pregnancy tests, deleted every image from my phone, threw a huge tantrum and rage-cleaned my bathroom. It was a meltdown, and it wasn't pretty. I ended that fit of destruction by lying on G's bed and sobbing my heart out - thankfully, she was at daycare, so I could safely let it all out.
After picking her up later that afternoon, I decided to do ONE more pregnancy test. I wasn't going to, and I was kicking myself as I was doing it, but I did it. And you know, there was a more visible line this time. It's still fairly light for 6dp5dt - or 11dpo - but it was a TONNE better than the morning's ghost.
I promised hubby I wouldn't pee on any FRER sticks today, because he thinks I'll drive myself batty overanalysing a line, or panicking if there isn't enough progression. (Yeah, he's right.)
I didn't promise to not use a digital though. Loopholes, you know.
Well, all my optimism has failed me... and I was doing so well. It looks like this FET is also going to be another early loss.
Yesterday (5dp5dt - or 10dpo) was early to start peeing, but I've had squinters in the past - and surprise! We had a squinter this time too! It's hard to see, but it's there - when hubby can see it, you know you're not imagining things.
I've decided I'm done with stick peeing. I can't handle the disappointment of another early miscarriage every single time I use a pregnancy test. All these losses have just sucked the joy straight out of this process, and it leaves me with dread instead.
Beta is next Tuesday, the 9th. My gut is telling me that little Olaf will have either a) fizzled out by then, or b) be barely hanging in there. So long as this loss doesn't drag out like the last one did, I guess that's that.
I'm really frustrated, you guys. This brings us over 2 years of TTC #2, 3 full IVF stim cycles, 8 transfers, months of endless waiting around - and still no closer to a baby. What do we have to do to get pregnant with a sticky baby? Are we doomed to sit and watch everyone else move ahead without us? Why does this keep happening?
I'm angry at my clinic. I want them to try new things, to throw some steroids at me, to do some more testing, to try and figure out what is going wrong - obviously my body is trying its hardest to get pregnant, but something has to give. Are the remaining 6 frosties we have even worth using? I can't do 6 more cycles, 6+ more months of endless miscarriages or negatives. We want to do whatever it takes to have another baby, but I'm just feeling so broken.
Anyway... if I'm quiet for the next week, you'll know why. No false hopes anymore, just resigned to wait for the week and get the official result from the bloodwork when we get there. This just sucks. :(
Surprisingly, it looked very different to this picture when we saw it on the live screen before transfer. Even though it was tiny, I could see a really clear Inner Cell Mass - whereas on this image, I don't see it clearly at all. I'm assuming that this image was captured a little earlier in the day and that it had continued growing up until the transfer time, which I hope is a good thing.
It was a nice experience, except for the part where my cervix decided to disappear and play hard to get. We had a different doctor this time around doing the transfer who was lovely, and I think I'll request him for future transfers. It took him six (!) attempts with a speculum to get the ball rolling, but he was very gentle and very thorough.... and most of all, very kind.
Come on Olaf, lucky #8! Please stick. Please, please, please. Let this be a magical start to 2016. :)
The ball is rolling for 2016's first transfer.. and I'm a combination of petrified and excited.
Today is 17dp4dt - or 21dpo - or 5 weeks pregnant.
Obviously my numbers don't match up to ANY of those figures, but here we are. Limbo!
I've managed to wrangle my blood test forward a day, so it's tomorrow now instead of Tuesday. We'll hopefully know with a little more clarity, and it's no good dragging things out any longer than we need to.
I feel pregnant. Queasy, off foods, hot flashes, headaches, exhausted. I'm still on all the meds - oestrogen & progesterone - so yes, it's very likely that it's more to do with them than it is my super low hcg hormones.
I'm still peeing on sticks, because it feels like the one thing I can control at this point... and they are tearing my heart out, because they're telling a story that is likely going to be shattered by tomorrow's blood test results.
These results were from Friday and Saturday, and they appear to be darkening. What a tease, right?
Ah, well. Not much else I can do but wait and continue praying for a miracle, even if the odds are slim.
It's not looking good.
This morning I had bloods drawn for my 18dpo doubling hcg test. To improve upon my number from Tuesday, we were aiming for an hcg increase up to 100.
At 18dpo, it was 81. (Progesterone was 30.)
The nurse didn't sound hopeful & told me it looked as though our embryo implanted, but obviously isn't doing well - so by Tuesday, we'll know one way or the other. It's like a cruel joke, isn't it? More waiting, and not the good kind.
I had my 16dpo beta today. Ideally, they'd like the number to be at 100 for this point in time.
The quick version: FET #7 seems to have resulted in a chemical pregnancy.
The long version: FET #7 has been a cruel, cruel experience & has left me feeling defeated.
After
the transfer of our little morula/early blastocyst, things got busy. We went to a concert the following
night, which was amazing but loud; I jokingly commented that the
little embryo had probably already vibrated right on out of there!
The next day, Georgia and I hopped into the car with my
folks for an impromptu beach getaway. Hubby couldn't take time off due
to a new job role starting, so it was just us. A good five hour drive up
the coast later, we settled in to our holiday accommodation and spent
the next little while relaxing.
I packed a single pregnancy test
into my luggage. I thought that would help me from obsessing during the
TWW. While I have it in my head that all frozen transfers are going to
fail, I was surprisingly hopeful about this embryo. It's the nicest one
we have had in a while, the lab scientists were happy, and I was happy
too.
I started having symptoms from around 6dp4dt. Incredibly
tired, aching back, sore boobs and a WHOPPER pimple that devoured my
chin. The last time I had a breakout like that was last October, when I
was pregnant. My skin always goes nuts before anything else!
I
caved that night and peed. It was negative. Blindingly negative. I was
kicking myself for testing too early, and went to the local grocery
store to top up on pee sticks. The next morning was 7dp4dt, so I peed
again. Once again, blindingly negative.
I've always had a line,
albeit a squinty line, by 11dpo, in all of my previous pregnancies. It's
basically my cut off, so I figured that was that. I chucked the pee
sticks in the bin in a rage and considered this to be yet another
failure.
8dp4dt was not a great day. I was snippy and crotchety
and absolutely starving. Oh, and mad at the universe. We took Georgia to
the beach and kept ourselves busy the entire day. I didn't pee on any
sticks that day.
Since it was 9dp4dt, or 13dpo, I figured I
would stop my pessaries and throw in the towel. I'm on a fairly hefty
dose of progesterone for transfers now because of my previous losses -
so it can take a while for a bleed to occur after stopping the
pessaries. If there's one thing I hate doing, it's needlessly waiting
around. I'd rather just move on, and get going again.
I peed on
the stick, and went to shower. After I was done, I looked back at the
stick and prepared to throw out the negative result.
Except it wasn't negative.
It wasn't dark, but it wasn't a squinter. It was a faint but visible second line. I
then proceeded to have a panic attack on the bathroom floor, wearing
nothing but my towel. It says pregnant. But it's faint. Is it TOO faint
for 13dpo? It has to be too late now. It's probably a chemical. What if it's actually worked? What do I do now?
I'm
sure most people would get a positive result on a pee stick and take
for granted that all is fine, and not spend hours examining the strength
of the line. Anyone who has lost a pregnancy will understand my terror, I think. This positive was throwing me for a loop.
My
IVF friends have a saying: prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
I was doing this, yes, but I'll admit, I was hoping for a miracle. We
all hear stories of people who had a really late positive, or a really
faint pregnancy test, or a really late implanter. Maybe this time, I
could be one of those folks?
Unfortunately, I was not.
This
morning's was fainter. This afternoon's was even fainter. Like, really
faint, almost squint-worthy. Well, shit.
I have a beta blood draw in two days time. Judging by the pee sticks, there won't be much, if anything, to see by then.
I'm so angry. I'd prefer this to have been a flat out negative - not this chemical pregnancy limbo again. Why does this keep happening? Our testing show we have no genetic issues, my recurrent pregnancy loss blood work all came back normal, but man.... I don't even know anymore. The bad luck run continues.
So I'm apparently pregnant. But I won't be for long.
This sucks.
We are PUPO! FET #7... and a transfer that finally brought a smile to my face.
You guys... a GOOD embryo! That looks nice! That isn't behind! This is all we've been praying for.
It's a funny feeling having an embryo transfer on October 15th, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This time last year, I was mourning our pregnancy loss. Little did I know that later that month, I would lose yet another pregnancy. This year, I'm lighting two candles for the little ones we've lost - and hoping with everything that I have, that maybe this little embryo in my uterus can stay.
I've lost a lot of hope over the last few years, but I'm throwing everything we've got at this one. Meet our newest embryo that's on board. It's a far cry from the sad one we transferred last time, that's for sure. :)
After a cycle on the pill, we're gearing up to try again. This is going to be FET #7, all going well.
Nothing too exciting here: progynova (oestrogen) 3x a day, scan and bloods next week & then we see how everything is going.
If things look okay, we'll program in a transfer of one of the 4-day embryos. I asked if they'd grow them out, and they said no, they will do a morula transfer. I don't even have the energy in me to ask why, I'm just going with the flow this time around.
All of my questions and concerns and worries from previous rounds didn't have any impact on the outcomes, so I'm sort of going into this cycle fairly numb.. and with little to no expectations. Here we go again.
We were pretty giddy with excitement this morning on our way to the new clinic. Nervous, yes, but excited. We hadn't heard anything - and were hoping that would mean we'd have a good embryo to transfer. That wasn't to be.
In all of our IVF cycles, I've never sobbed my way through an embryo transfer before. Today was a first.
All of our embryos died, bar two. Both of those two were behind. They transferred the better looking of the two (still a morula, not even a blastocyst yet) and the other one we found out this afternoon was unsuitable to freeze, so that was binned. Out of 8 embryos, we didn't get a single good one.
I don't blame my new clinic. They did everything they could - at the end of the day, these weren't their embryos. They weren't frozen the way they would have done, they weren't grown out at the optimal time, and they were from a cycle that was frozen due to crazy hormones. But I honestly thought we would get at least one nice looking embryo; surely one wasn't too much to ask for?
It's like being kicked in the guts, all over again. And worse, having nothing left over means planning for another stim cycle, emotionally & financially. I just want a baby; I want off this rollercoaster.
No news is good news, no news is good news, no news is good news. If I say it enough, hopefully I'll start believing it!
It's Saturday, which means my embryos are now thawed & hopefully at Day 3 stage. I don't know how many are still going; I don't know if any will be alive on Monday at Day 5 - let alone be up to par. I don't know much - I just know I'm hopeful. We just need one. One strong, healthy, blastocyst. One shot at this, to make the embryo move, the clinic switch, all worthwhile.
The last few days I've been full of anxiety. Is my lining going to be too thick? Are the embryos going to make it? Will we ever get pregnant again? So many questions & so much uncertainty, and my body started paying the price. I came down with a horrible case of heartburn and indigestion - both things I've never had before, even while pregnant - it was so bad, I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. It was nothing I ate, and there was no other reason for it to happen, apart from stress.
So... it's time to destress. Today I bought some warm, fuzzy socks to wear for transfer.. a fresh pair for a fresh start. I have my creative colouring book full of inspirations to keep me going. I'm going to sleep with zen music on my iPhone, with an eye mask on - trying to be calm. I'm drinking loads of water, flushing out as much anxiety as I can.
And even though my heart is already protecting itself from disappointment and assuming the worst for these embryos, a little piece of me is sending them positive growing vibes every day & cheering them on from afar. Come on embies... you've got this.
We're almost there.
Still here, still popping three progynova pills a day & waiting for the next week to hurry up and pass by.
As I mentioned in my previous post, our new clinic only just discovered that our old clinic used slow-freeze methods on our Day 1 embryos, and as such, needed to push back the transfer to ensure that a) they had the correct mediums in place to thaw them and b) the personnel skilled in the older methods of thawing.
I researched the methods of freezing embryos online, and found this:
The process used to freeze the embryo dictates the process that must be used to thaw the embryo. That is why when frozen embryos are shipped between labs, thawing or warming instructions must accompany the embryo so that the receiving lab can recover the embryos successfully. -Fertility Lab Insider
It seems that vitrification is used in nearly all clinics now - so not only were our embryos frozen at Day 1 against our wishes, they were frozen in a way that will likely affect their thaw. It might explain why our last batch of Day 1's all did so poorly with thawing/growing, and is making me very realistic about any good coming from these ones.
It also appears that our old clinic didn't pass on any/enough information about the methods of freezing to the new clinic - and/or the new clinic didn't pay enough attention when they were received, so it's just little mistakes all round at the moment.
Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on that - apart from being paranoid that these embryos have already been ruined from the start - and focus on the week ahead. They are being thawed on Wednesday, so all my energy is going towards at least having that part go right. The goal is not to get any refrozen; the goal is just to get a beautiful, healthy, 5-day blastocyst this time. Surely just 1 of those 8 embryos can make it that far.
It's been quiet around these parts lately as I haven't had much to report. I've been taking Progynova three times a day, and waiting for a scan to let us know how things are going.
That scan was today, and I was pleasantly surprised to have a lovely thick lining that looked ready to go. It was 12mm, and looked beautiful! I went and had bloods earlier this morning too, so was waiting to hear from our new clinic. I won't lie - I was hoping that after such a positive scan, we'd be all set for a transfer next week.
Instead, they are waiting on a blood hormone level that apparently didn't come back today, so will have to get in touch with me tomorrow. And when I questioned whether I should start the progesterone yet, so that we could get going on having our embryos thawed, I was told that the transfer has been scheduled for the 20th.
Hold up.... what? As in, 11 days from now.
That threw up alarm bells, so I queried to make sure she was talking about me - she said yes, HRT cycles can be delayed and that a thaw on the 15th/transfer on the 20th is what was scheduled. That makes no sense to me, since I'm ready to go now - that beautiful 12mm lining could become TOO thick in 11 days time - so I've gone into panic mode. I'm hoping to speak with one of the doctors in the morning, because this just doesn't sit well with me.
I moved clinics because I didn't feel confident with my treatment, and I have to say.. considering that this is my first go around with this new clinic, today's conversation has thrown me for a loop. Trying to keep fingers crossed that this can be sorted out somehow, because if not, I feel this cycle will already have been ruined.
Right, back to reality.
We have an ultrasound booked for this coming Monday to check on the dodgy ovarian cyst that appeared during my cancelled FET last month. If it's clear (please, please, please let it be clear) I'm hopefully going to get off the birth control, have a bleed, and get going on a new FET.
The plan this time is to try a non-ovulatory cycle, since I have such a shady history of ovulation - drugs or not. We'll start with Progynova (E2) tablets, and then add in a huge amount of progesterone to thicken up the lining, before hopefully transferring an embryo when conditions look optimal.
It all sounds really simple in theory - but of course, it depends on how my body responds to these medications as well. And we won't even be able to begin this course of treatment if the cyst hasn't disappeared, so again, we're stuck in limbo for a little while longer.
Speaking of transfers..
I have always been adamant about doing Single Embryo Transfers. I mean, it took a few cycles, but it worked for Georgia (a 5-day blastocyst) and it also worked for the two miscarriage cycles. That said, we have a few frosties in the freezer at the moment, and so I emailed my FS asking if she'd consider granting us approval for a Double Embryo Transfer during one of our upcoming FET's.
She shot that down FAST. She thinks I have a good chance of getting pregnant again off a SET, and that the risk of multiples is too high - so my track record for getting pregnant is holding me back, despite the fact that 2/3 of those pregnancies have miscarried. She also indicated that my PCOS would mean I'd be at risk for GD in future pregnancies, so adding multiples to that equation wouldn't be ideal.
I have to say, I have mixed feelings about her response. I suppose it reinforces my idea of SET's being the way to go - but a part of me is sad that they won't even give me the choice to do a DET, especially if the embryos can't be re-frozen for whatever reason. Ah well, out of my hands now, I guess. I am struggling to see myself getting pregnant at all lately, but time will tell what this batch of frozen embryos has in store for us. At this rate, it'd be nice to just get to a transfer!
Fingers crossed for some good news on Monday. :)
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