A Letter to my Son

Today is March 4th. The odds are pretty good that you wouldn't have been born today - maybe you would have been late, or maybe you would have come early like your big sister did. In my heart though, your birthday will always be today.
When we found out that we were expecting you, that our first IVF frozen transfer had worked, we couldn't believe how lucky we were. We couldn't have planned your timing any better if we'd been a regular old fertile couple - you were due just before Georgia's birthday. Two babies, two years apart; you were a dream come true.
I remember being so, so scared in the early weeks of the pregnancy. I was scared when our hcg levels had a rocky start. I was scared when your daddy & I went to see your first ever ultrasound scan, and breathed easier when we saw your strong heart beating away. I was scared when my morning sickness started up, because it was so different to my pregnancy with Georgia. I was scared when that morning sickness would ebb and flow. Yep, this mama was VERY nervous.
We had an amazing first few months together. When you were still a tiny little poppy seed in my belly, we found out that your Uncle and Aunty were also expecting a miracle of their own - and we couldn't have been happier. Two babies, growing up together, with a proud big sister/cousin there to spoil them. The day we went to our joint ultrasound and found out that our due dates were a week apart, that was a really special moment that I won't forget. You were both so wanted, and so loved.
I remember hearing your heartbeat at home on the doppler, and being so totally and utterly mesmerised with the sound. Like with Georgia, I recorded it on my phone & would listen to it at night before I went to sleep. Those early weeks, before the movements registered, it was a sweet reminder that you were there with me. At 10 weeks, my belly had its first pop, and I took my first - and what ended up being my last - bump shot. Georgia and I would sit on her rocking chair and read books together before bed, and I couldn't believe that I was blessed enough to carry a second baby, to carry YOU.
I wish I knew the moment when we lost you. I wish I could remember what I was doing, and that I could have said something, or did something, to show you how special you were. I was worried the days before, but wrote it off to being paranoid; after all, we'd seen you on the ultrasound, we'd heard your heart beating - a few of those milestones had been crossed. I hate that when I found out that you'd died, I was alone. I thought we were okay, and I told your dad to stay home and watch Georgia, that it was just a routine 11 week OB appointment. That moment changed me forever.
When we found out the results from the genetic testing a few weeks later, my heart broke all over again. Not because they showed that you had T21, or Down Syndrome - because both your daddy and I would have fought for you, regardless of what your chromosomes looked like. No, kiddo, I was devastated because we found out you were a boy. I would have loved you equally and irrevocably whether you were a boy or a girl... but a boy. You could have knocked me over with a feather.
I cried so much that day. I cried for you, because we had so many plans for you - so many things we wanted to show you, so many people we wanted you to meet, so many dreams for the future. I cried for your daddy, because he never got to bond with you - his first son. I cried for me, because you were no longer in my belly, and because I would never get to hold you anywhere else but in my heart and my memories.
Our little family lost a piece of ourselves on the day you went away, and we won't ever get that back. You were our baby, and even though today is your birth day, you'll always stay our baby. I'm sorry you're not here with us today, and I'm sorry that we didn't get to meet you. I'm sorry you never got to know your big sister, who is the most amazing kid - she loves babies, she is happy and curious and sweet, and I know she would have been fascinated by you.
We called you Noah, because that was the name we would have chosen to call you, if you were here. The name has roots meaning 'rest, comfort' - and I wish both of those things for you. 
Thank you for choosing me to be your mama, if only for a short time. 

FET #4 - HRT

We have a FET timeline! I'm really glad to be feeling a bit more 'in the know' about how this is going to {hopefully} work.

I've been on Progynova since CD2 - 1 tablet per day. As of tomorrow, I increase the Progynova to 2 tablets per day. As of Sunday, I increase the Progynova to 3 tablets per day. If the E2 levels are going well, we'll stay at that level of Progynova until the cycle is over, or if we get pregnant.

There's a blood test and a scan booked for next Thursday, which will be CD14. If the lining looks decent then... we'll get a date set for our transfer. Man, I can't WAIT to be at that point, seriously. :)

I found out today that our frozen embryos are frozen in batches of 3, 3, 1 and 1 - at day 1 stage. They hope to grow out at least 1 of those 3 into a blastocyst, but if there are problems with the thaw at day 1, they have the option to grab one of the singles out and thaw that too. We're aiming for a 5-day single embryo transfer, but if they happen to grow more than one out, they can refreeze those blastocysts. I don't expect any to be good enough to re-freeze... I'm just praying we get a good one.

So that's that. Another week of Progynova and a whole lot of hope that this lining is growing nice and thick!

FET #4 - Let's Get It Started

My period arrived yesterday, during a visit from a lovely lady who came bearing a chai latte and a box of maltesers - that's a good friend, right there. Funnily enough, the last time I saw her was during my first failed cycle of this year while I was also waiting for a period... and guess what came the next day? You guessed it! I think we're going to have to start calling her Aunty Flo. 

Today is CD2. This morning I started taking progynova tablets - the form of oestrogen my clinic uses for HRT FET cycles. The side effects look... fun. Breast tenderness, breast pain, abdominal pain, nausea, oedema, headache, skin rash, insomnia and depression.

Let's face it... I'd take any of those symptoms if it meant I was able to grow a healthy baby in my belly.

As I write this, I'm feeling pretty numb. I'm excited that we're off, but that's about it. These past few months have been nothing but disappointments, getting left behind over and over again. I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic. I'm not naive enough to think that just because we're trying a new approach means that we'll get pregnant. If only it was as easy for us as it was for {seemingly} everybody else.

I haven't been as vocal about starting this new round. The support groups I've been a part of don't feel the same as they used to... and I think I'm at the point in my journey where people just don't know what to say anymore. Add that to the fact that I've been feeling so damned uncomfortable around friends who are pregnant - despite my best efforts and attempts at putting on a brave face - and I feel more alone than ever right now. I guess this time around is proving to be very much about hubby & I fumbling through together.

Here we go.

Another Missing Period

My last birth control pill was taken on Sunday morning. It's now Thursday, and once again, I have no period in sight. I can't even blame anything being wrong with my ovaries - there's no cyst, there's a lining there, ready to shed... it's just my body, again, not doing anything right. The nurse said on Monday's ultrasound that my lining was around 8mm, so a decent amount to shed. I asked how long it would take to bleed, and she said with that lining, she expected me to have a period soon. It's been four days, and nothing. I wonder how long we'll have to wait around.

All I want is a chance. A CHANCE for god's sake! I've long given up hoping for a miracle... I just want a shot.

I've been doing okay over these past few weeks. Disappointed and holding it all together, but okay. This week has been hard though. A whole bunch more pregnancy announcements, a due date around the corner, and a pretty awful case of the 'it's not fair's. Life isn't fair. I know this. I just wish it didn't continue to slap me in the face all the time.

I swear, I can't handle another few days of parsley tea. :(

Cyst is GONE!

Oh thank heavens... the cyst is GONE! I've never felt so relieved during a session with dildo-cam, let me tell you.

Now we wait for a period (please please please don't let me down, body!) and then we can go ahead with another FET on CD1.


AAAAAAAH, the anticipation! I am so excited. :) :) :)

Not Full Term... or Halfway.

Sometimes I get so focussed on my first miscarriage, that I 'forget' the second one. I say forget loosely, since of course I'll never FORGET, but you know... I get so easily distracted.

Like today, for instance. I saw a post from a friend who got pregnant around the same time as me for the second pregnancy, and she's halfway along now. Halfway! My mind has been so wrapped up on the whole 'I would have been full term' thing, that it totally skipped my mind that the second pregnancy/miscarriage would have been closer to the end as well.

That really hurts.

To be sitting here all this time later, and still with no baby in my belly... this really sucks. Today sucks.

Progynova & SET's

Right, back to reality.

We have an ultrasound booked for this coming Monday to check on the dodgy ovarian cyst that appeared during my cancelled FET last month. If it's clear (please, please, please let it be clear) I'm hopefully going to get off the birth control, have a bleed, and get going on a new FET.

The plan this time is to try a non-ovulatory cycle, since I have such a shady history of ovulation - drugs or not. We'll start with Progynova (E2) tablets, and then add in a huge amount of progesterone to thicken up the lining, before hopefully transferring an embryo when conditions look optimal.

It all sounds really simple in theory - but of course, it depends on how my body responds to these medications as well. And we won't even be able to begin this course of treatment if the cyst hasn't disappeared, so again, we're stuck in limbo for a little while longer.

Speaking of transfers..

I have always been adamant about doing Single Embryo Transfers. I mean, it took a few cycles, but it worked for Georgia (a 5-day blastocyst) and it also worked for the two miscarriage cycles. That said, we have a few frosties in the freezer at the moment, and so I emailed my FS asking if she'd consider granting us approval for a Double Embryo Transfer during one of our upcoming FET's.

She shot that down FAST. She thinks I have a good chance of getting pregnant again off a SET, and that the risk of multiples is too high - so my track record for getting pregnant is holding me back, despite the fact that 2/3 of those pregnancies have miscarried. She also indicated that my PCOS would mean I'd be at risk for GD in future pregnancies, so adding multiples to that equation wouldn't be ideal.

I have to say, I have mixed feelings about her response. I suppose it reinforces my idea of SET's being the way to go - but a part of me is sad that they won't even give me the choice to do a DET, especially if the embryos can't be re-frozen for whatever reason. Ah well, out of my hands now, I guess. I am struggling to see myself getting pregnant at all lately, but time will tell what this batch of frozen embryos has in store for us. At this rate, it'd be nice to just get to a transfer!

Fingers crossed for some good news on Monday. :)

Home Again

We officially survived our first family holiday - and had an amazing time. Fiji - you guys - it's beautiful.

Little miss was really good, and it was the perfect place to take a toddler on vacation. The locals absolutely love children and always seemed to remember her name and give her high-fives and little treats. It was a whole lot of relaxing poolside, afternoon siestas, and rejuvenation. And the views!
Each day, we were brought a complimentary glass of champagne, and we usually had this on our balcony or in our room. If there was one place in the world where I really felt that the universe could hear me, it was there. Peaceful, quiet, beautiful, and gave me a bit of hope that things could be okay.
Here's to a fresh start.

Fiji Bound

It's time to head off on our much-needed getaway. 

See you when we get back!

Life Goes On

I've just been floating around in a bubble for the last few days, not quite sure what to do with myself. I've gone to the gym, I've sung countless songs with my girl, I've cuddled the fur babies, and the husband... and I've taken my birth control pills.
The irony of that hits me every time I swallow that little yellow pill. A contraceptive, while you're into your second year of your second bout of infertility.. how ridiculous. But hey, what's another month?
It's going to be a busy week. We have a baby shower for our soon-to-arrive niece/nephew (I say boy!) tomorrow, catch ups with the in-laws, another daycare orientation for Georgia, two more gym classes & lots of packing to do before we head off on our holiday. I like busy. Busy seems to help make the time go faster. Life has a tendency of doing that; disappearing pretty quickly - unless you're waiting on something special and important; then it slows down to a crawl. An actual shot at a transfer, a shot at a pregnancy, feels a million miles away. 
I'm looking forward to some soul searching while we're away in Fiji. I need a bit of distance to get away from everything. To look at my family and appreciate every moment we spend together, just the three of us, in a beautiful place in a special part of the world. I'm hopeful that we can come back with a fresh outlook on things.
It has to all turn out okay eventually.. right?





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