It is still staggering to me just how uneducated some folks can be regarding infertility. Just when I think I've seen and accepted it all, something new comes along to blow my mind and render me speechless all over again.
Two words that trivialise an extremely sensitive and heartbreaking journey to so many - birth parents with no other choice but to give their child up, the children in question, adoptive parents in the process of adopting, hopeful parents who are investigating their options, and parents who desperately WANT to adopt, but can't.
So yesterday morning, I deemed this cycle a bust. I ripped apart the pregnancy tests, deleted every image from my phone, threw a huge tantrum and rage-cleaned my bathroom. It was a meltdown, and it wasn't pretty. I ended that fit of destruction by lying on G's bed and sobbing my heart out - thankfully, she was at daycare, so I could safely let it all out.
After picking her up later that afternoon, I decided to do ONE more pregnancy test. I wasn't going to, and I was kicking myself as I was doing it, but I did it. And you know, there was a more visible line this time. It's still fairly light for 6dp5dt - or 11dpo - but it was a TONNE better than the morning's ghost.
I promised hubby I wouldn't pee on any FRER sticks today, because he thinks I'll drive myself batty overanalysing a line, or panicking if there isn't enough progression. (Yeah, he's right.)
I didn't promise to not use a digital though. Loopholes, you know.
Well, all my optimism has failed me... and I was doing so well. It looks like this FET is also going to be another early loss.
Yesterday (5dp5dt - or 10dpo) was early to start peeing, but I've had squinters in the past - and surprise! We had a squinter this time too! It's hard to see, but it's there - when hubby can see it, you know you're not imagining things.
I've decided I'm done with stick peeing. I can't handle the disappointment of another early miscarriage every single time I use a pregnancy test. All these losses have just sucked the joy straight out of this process, and it leaves me with dread instead.
Beta is next Tuesday, the 9th. My gut is telling me that little Olaf will have either a) fizzled out by then, or b) be barely hanging in there. So long as this loss doesn't drag out like the last one did, I guess that's that.
I'm really frustrated, you guys. This brings us over 2 years of TTC #2, 3 full IVF stim cycles, 8 transfers, months of endless waiting around - and still no closer to a baby. What do we have to do to get pregnant with a sticky baby? Are we doomed to sit and watch everyone else move ahead without us? Why does this keep happening?
I'm angry at my clinic. I want them to try new things, to throw some steroids at me, to do some more testing, to try and figure out what is going wrong - obviously my body is trying its hardest to get pregnant, but something has to give. Are the remaining 6 frosties we have even worth using? I can't do 6 more cycles, 6+ more months of endless miscarriages or negatives. We want to do whatever it takes to have another baby, but I'm just feeling so broken.
Anyway... if I'm quiet for the next week, you'll know why. No false hopes anymore, just resigned to wait for the week and get the official result from the bloodwork when we get there. This just sucks. :(
There's a certain holiday looming around the corner...
Love it or hate it, it's almost here - that time of year when the stores explode with sweet trinkets and beautiful gifts.
Every woman is different, so there's no one gift to win us all over.. but there is certainly plenty of inspiration out there to help with selecting gifts for that special someone in your life. This year, why not try out some amazing candles?
There are so many different styles of candles to choose from - and more importantly, so many scents to choose from - where do you begin? You could spend hours in a department store, or you could take a gamble and grab yourself one online.
Pair it with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and you've got a beautiful gift. The question is, are you gifting them to somebody else, or are you going to keep them and spoil yourself?
You'll find plenty of inspiration, and beautiful arrangements by visiting here.
Surprisingly, it looked very different to this picture when we saw it on the live screen before transfer. Even though it was tiny, I could see a really clear Inner Cell Mass - whereas on this image, I don't see it clearly at all. I'm assuming that this image was captured a little earlier in the day and that it had continued growing up until the transfer time, which I hope is a good thing.
It was a nice experience, except for the part where my cervix decided to disappear and play hard to get. We had a different doctor this time around doing the transfer who was lovely, and I think I'll request him for future transfers. It took him six (!) attempts with a speculum to get the ball rolling, but he was very gentle and very thorough.... and most of all, very kind.
Come on Olaf, lucky #8! Please stick. Please, please, please. Let this be a magical start to 2016. :)
The ball is rolling for 2016's first transfer.. and I'm a combination of petrified and excited.
CD1. New year, new cycle, new chance to try again.
We're back to a FET progynova cycle, popping those oestrogen pills & using up one of our remaining few frozen embryos.
After a horrendous few months of being forced to sit on my hands and wait, it feels good to get moving again - even if the idea of more disappointment/loss is terrifying.
Come on 2016... don't let me down! It's GOT to be our turn soon.
Written as part of #MicroblogMondays on Stirrup Queens.
Monday, 11 January 2016
3 Comments •
Last year was a tough year. Losing our first pregnancy, followed by the pregnancy later in the year - it really shattered us.
But this year? This year was even tougher. There was more loss, more disappointment, more frustration. If 2014 was hard, 2015 topped it. This year would have been the toughest one I've faced in my entire 31 years. It's humbling, really. But.. we got through it. I got through it. And that's about the most positive thing I have to say about how it has all progressed.
I'm following the same format as years gone by to keep it simple - (2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 & 2014)
1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before? Lost another pregnancy. Parented a toddler. Had our first overseas family holiday. Swapped IVF clinics. Lost my faith. Sent my little one to daycare.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I said I was going to be more positive.. and I think I failed. Being knocked down over and over again makes it pretty hard to do. I'll make another one or two, but I won't promise I'll hit them!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.
The same thing I hoped for this time last year - a healthy pregnancy with no complications. A sibling for G.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Admitting defeat and asking for help. There comes a time when things get too hard, when the struggles are becoming a daily thing, and when my usual coping strategies failed. This year, I realised my limitations & took steps to look after myself - to support myself through a really, really hard time. Keeping it together and being the best parent I can be to my daughter is one of the things I'm the most proud of.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Swapping clinics! I really hoped that after so much disappointment, we'd get lucky this year with our new clinic behind us. It didn't pan out that way, but oh well. I also got to meet my sweet little nephew man. :)
16. What song will always remind you of 2015? Don't Be So Hard On Yourself - Jess Glynne
I'm too old for these questions now, I fear.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having a pregnancy stick around. Being able to watch G growing up with a sibling. Not feeling like the only person who's missing out on things.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015? Summer dresses.
Happy New Year, friends. Props to you all for sticking around through what has arguably been one of the toughest years of my life, and for accepting the hard days along with me. Being able to blog, to share my fears and my disappointments, to help people realise that they're not alone and to be heard; that's a big gift, and it's one that I'll continue to utilise as long as I can.
Thank you for helping me feel less alone.
days worth of anti-anxiety medication stored in my bathroom to get through the hard times this season.
months since we've been trying to add another baby to our family.
different tiny presents that have been lovingly wrapped and stuffed in a Santa sack.
great grandchildren that my Pop has all up, keeping him busy on his first Christmas without my Nan.
batteries powering up our pretty indoor signs this year.
days since our real tree went up, and it's still looking as lush and green now as it was then.. the perfect tree.
secret Santa gifters in my family... and nearly all of them know who's gifting who. Secret? Ha!
pills of Letrozole finished, to try and at least have a natural-ish cycle on this month off.
ornaments on our tree to remember our wee ones, even though only one of them is here with us.
hours that hubby spent assembling Miss G's Christmas gift.. and it's delightful.
parents who are sad, happy, tired and everything in between this holiday season.
incredibly excited toddler, who is loving everything about the holiday season! :)
Having a small human running around really opens up your eyes to the ways that they learn. Our little miss isn't at the reading or writing stage yet, but she expresses her skills in a variety of different ways already - she loves movement, she loves art, and she especially loves touchy-feely activities! I can't wait until she's older, so that I can introduce her to the beauty of books! :)
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