If there's one thing that infertility tears apart, it's the ability to have some kind of plan for your life. Most couples make the decision to add to their family, choose when to start, and let things progress naturally from there; each time frame is unique, but it always happens in the end. Then there's the decision about whether to have more children - again, dependent on many things; finances, space, pregnancy complications - but the choice is there. Do we, or don't we? If we do, we try. If we don't, we give the baby things away and move away from the high chairs and prams, and towards a new stage of life.

For us, and I would imagine many couples who have faced infertility, it's a little different.
The question isn't as simple as 'Should we have more kids?' 
Sure, there are the usual points to ponder; 'Can we afford more children?' 'Do we have space for another child in our home/car?' 'Is having another child going to take away from our current family?' 
But there are other points too; 'Can we afford more treatment?' 'Do we have babysitting options for the girls if we start up on the IVF bandwagon again?' 'Would my parenting abilities change under all of those hormones again?' 'Is my mental health strong enough for the possible disappointment that comes with fertility treatment?' 'Could I handle another miscarriage?' 'Would our marriage survive the stress of more negative cycles?' 'What do we do with our frozen embryos?' 
It's a minefield, that's for sure; one that neither of us is ready to jump back into any time soon - even though my heart tells me that I could do this again, and that we have so much more to give. 
I can't bring myself to give away the baby clothes, as she outgrows them. I don't want to minimise our private health insurance, just in case we need private hospital cover for a future pregnancy. I don't even want to think about what we would do with our frozen embryos,because in my heart, they're ours. For now, everything is on pause, while we enjoy our family of four. Time is already flying by far too quickly for my liking, with our little squish not quite so little anymore & our big girl growing up before our eyes.
I don't know what our future holds. I don't even know when we'll be ready - all of us ready - to get the ball rolling with starting more IVF again, should we choose to forge ahead. But I DO know that whatever happens, my two girls are my whole world, and I'm so grateful to have them in my lives; and for them to have each other. Whatever happens, happens. 
Life is good. :)


My hands have been full lately - in a good way!

I'm coming to realise that this little baby is not going to be the mellow, 'go with the flow' second sibling that I'd always heard about; the kind that gets lugged along to all of their sister's events and is content to follow along happily. Not in this household.

My kiddo knows what she wants, and I can see how strong her personality is already - at four months old! She laughs and talks with her whole face, and when she's happy, you can't help but be happy with her. But when she's not... oh man.

I often observe other babies when we're out and about, and the one thing that I've noticed with Claire is that she is loud. All babies cry, and that's perfectly fine - but when my baby cries? It's loud. LOUD LOUD. Loud enough to turn heads, that kind of loud. It echoes through rooms, it's the kind of cry that leaves her sweaty and red faced and sometimes breathless.

When she first did this at a few weeks old, it made me so nervous that I took her to the doctors for a check over, and again at the paediatrician. I was concerned it might have been silent reflux, or that something was causing her to be distressed. The verdict: physically, she was perfect. That's just her cry. Since then, I've come to realise that they were right - this is just her way. It's how she gets in the car, and we all know how much she hates that. It's how she gets when she's hungry, when she's sad, when she's tired. There's no soft little cry that escalates - it's just 0 to 100 in a flash.

She wants to be with you, to see what you're doing, to watch everything that's happening around her. She wants to sit up, even though her little body isn't quite ready for that yet. She lights up around Georgia & can recognise voices with ease.

Claire was a pleasant surprise from the start. That her transfer worked at all, that she made it through a rocky pregnancy; right up to when she graced us with her presence, looking so very different to her big sister. It shouldn't really shock me that her personality is her own as well - this spirited kiddo is going to be the best kind of handful; I can feel it already. :)

Sisters - what a lucky mama I am.

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