I'm still here.

It's been a long few weeks. Feels like longer than it actually has been, no doubt.

But I'm still here.

The overwhelming sadness is more of a dull ache now. The pregnancy is starting to feel like it was eons ago, like time is moving on & those happy months are fading. We're back to where we began... only I'm missing an extra piece of my heart.

I have a bit of a confession. After my hcg levels levelled out, after the pregnancy tests turned from positive to negative, I made a decision to use up my last dose of Clomid {from the pre-IVF days}. I took it from days 2-6 after the zero reading, and waited to see what would happen. I don't have a good history with Clomid; in the early days, I continued to have anovulatory cycles even while taking it. Lo and behold, it worked this time. Charts say I've ovulated. I'm 6dpo now.

Our odds of a natural conception are one in a million. If it were just me with the issues, I'd have a little more excitement - but we've got the two of us to think of. Either way, a TWW is always a wonderful thing around these parts. We don't get enough of them, enough chances to actually try for a miracle.

Whatever happens, it will be a good outcome. Getting a period and avoiding Provera is a win in my books - and if we hit the mystical natural conception lottery, well, that's a whole other story.

Either way, I'll be happy. We are moving forward. For now, this is my motto;

I know, I said I wouldn't get my hopes up - but I did, of course I did.

My chart went up, and up, and up! And so did those hopes. Unfortunately, the pee sticks have been negative - even today at 12dpo. Here's where it is currently.

It's so silly to be so completely gutted - but I really thought we would get lucky. I ovulated, we timed it perfectly, the temps & CM all looked fantastic, and yet here we are again.

Thank goodness we have a plan to do more IVF next month, or I would have been completely devastated. I mean, it's no bed of roses or anything, but it's something in place to move forward, you know?

Now to wait for AF - and hope she doesn't keep me waiting too long. :(

Hubby left to go overseas the day after I 'ovulated' - so the timing was JUST right. It probably means nothing, and our chances of a natural conception are slim to none {me ovulating is just part of the package deal of our infertility} but it feels so lovely to have at least a normal looking chart. It'll be interesting to see what day my period shows up, as I don't know what's normal for me, not having periods naturally very often.

Even though I'm mentally preparing for a negative and for AF to arrive, I'm secretly still hopeful. It's a big old tease, the hope: it just dangles the idea of a miracle pregnancy in front of your nose and waves it slightly every time you decide to give up. A good friend of mine, who has recently become pregnant with her own long-awaited miracle baby, told me that 'hope is what keeps our insides churning' - and she's right. It's there, and it's making the days go by faster; especially when hubby is away and I'm on solo parenting duties.

And you know, even if it's a negative - I'll be sad, but I'll be okay. It's a little like the pregnancy announcements that I've been drowning in for the past few months - it hurts, but it calms down. Either way, hopefully in a few short weeks, I'll be able to start my frozen cycle & get the ball rolling.*

*Even still - oh man, please please please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!

As a change from the emotional craziness that has surrounded me over the last few weeks, how about a little fertility update instead? After ten days of Provera, AF arrived last week - and it wasn't as horrible as I had anticipated. It arrived over the Easter weekend; coincidence? Fate? Either way, hormones + chocolate = win! Win win win. Especially the half price Easter eggs marked down after the weekend. Great for the soul, bad for the waist.