Grieving & Hoping

I've spent the last few days in a bit of a blur, thinking and over-thinking what's to come in the next few months. It's all baby-centred, of course - but that's to be expected, since we've started our first ever IVF cycle. Let me back track a little and explain how that meeting went down.

On Thursday, we took the day off work to attend our nursing interview and program orientation at the fertility centre. It's located in a public hospital {with notoriously bad parking!} so we went a little early to suss the place out and find a good spot to park. Thankfully we found a paid parking area that wasn't completely full, so off we wandered to try and find the clinic. That's when we proceeded to get completely lost, end up walking through staff offices, and see me end up <-----> this close from having a meltdown on the spot. We eventually found it, but not before walking through the Women's Health Clinic, aka preggo city, and ending up drenched in sweat.

Our nurse was lovely. She took my height and weight measurements, gave me a swipecard for identification in the future, and sat down with us for a good hour, going over our long cycle. Looking at our history, she said she felt confident that IVF without ICSI would do the trick, though that could be revisited in the future if we don't achieve any successful pregnancies. The clinic we're using is public & not-for-profit, so they can only place so many couples on the program at each time, and we were SO lucky to get on immediately. I suppose the fluke of being CD1 at our appointment paid off!

The protocol for us is in the mail, so we should know more about the specifics in the coming weeks. I'll be sure to share that with you, later.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this whole experience, I am. At the same time, I'm trying to protect my heart and my confidence, and be realistic in the fact that it might not work for us. We might need to revisit this process several times, and it's going to take time. Everyone seems to have a story about IVF, about friends falling pregnant on the first time, about the likelihood of carrying twins, about this, about that. That's all well and good {and is mostly well meaning} but I need to focus on me and J. Our journey might go smoothly, or it might not.

So while things are exciting and new, and will hopefully bring about good things in the future.. I'm still grieving. I'm grieving the loss of the baby that we might have conceived the natural way. I'm grieving the loss of a surprising, unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. I'm grieving each time I hear an announcement of a pregnancy, or a baby arriving, from friends, family members, internet strangers.

But this is not meant to be a post all about sadness and loss. It's a hopeful one. It's knowing that we are on the path that we're meant to be on. As much as I complain about waiting, about having nothing to update, and about this whole process, just know this: I feel so grateful, too. I'm grateful that we can afford to make sacrifices financially, to make this happen. I'm grateful that our families support us, no matter what happens. And I'm grateful to have my husband, who truly is my other half.

Our chance to become parents in 2012 is over. But maybe, just maybe, 2013 will be our year.

Be Nice To Your Neighbours, Kids

Whoops!

All of a sudden, it's March - and I've been a neglectful little blogger, haven't I? In truth, there's really not all that much actually happening.

TTC has taken over my brain, and we're waiting around for our IVF appointment next week. The waiting, waiting, waiting is so hard. I hate this part. You try so hard to live your life and not let it be the sole focus - but when it's all you want, how do you do that?

Work is work. My Year 1 class are tough little nuggets, let me tell you.

The house has been wonderful - on the inside. Sydney weather has been so completely rotten - we've had rain constantly this year. That means that our driveway? Still isn't finished. Landscaping? Nope. That means we're living in a lovely house... that is surrounded by muddy, clay puddles. It's awful. I know it'll happen eventually, but it's a mess right now.

Speaking of the house, we've been so unlucky - we have been cursed to move next door to an asshole. He's been difficult for months on end now, even before we had built the house. He was rude to the builders, he parked his old, oil-leaking car in our space, and his evil wife even rang our site supervisor, screaming her head off... and pretending to be me. (Seriously - I've never been impersonated before. I'm torn between feeling flattered & incredibly stabby.)

Well, they've laid turf over our property line & are refusing to accept that. We've sent them survey copies, we've sent them the plans that prove the line, and they're having nothing to do with it. Jase went to serve them a notice of intent to remove the turf - they threw the written letter back at him and slammed the door in his face. He put the letter in their postbox & emailed it to them as well - and we found the soggy envelope thrown in a puddle on our front lawn today. Say it with me now... assholes.

Thing is, we try hard to be good neighbours. The one on our other side are fantastic - we've had a couple of wine and cheese nights with them, they've cut our hair (a hairdresser next door=fabulous) and we've cat-sit for them. We're nice people. We do the right thing. It just sucks when people take advantage of that. Well, no more trying anymore. Hopefully we'll solve this whole thing soon, so we don't have to have anything to do with them again. And we certainly won't be offering to loan them any sugar, should they ever need it.

Now... what's been happening with YOU lately?

P.S. I have two adorable kitties. Just saying.





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