If there's one thing that infertility tears apart, it's the ability to have some kind of plan for your life. Most couples make the decision to add to their family, choose when to start, and let things progress naturally from there; each time frame is unique, but it always happens in the end. Then there's the decision about whether to have more children - again, dependent on many things; finances, space, pregnancy complications - but the choice is there. Do we, or don't we? If we do, we try. If we don't, we give the baby things away and move away from the high chairs and prams, and towards a new stage of life.

For us, and I would imagine many couples who have faced infertility, it's a little different.
The question isn't as simple as 'Should we have more kids?' 
Sure, there are the usual points to ponder; 'Can we afford more children?' 'Do we have space for another child in our home/car?' 'Is having another child going to take away from our current family?' 
But there are other points too; 'Can we afford more treatment?' 'Do we have babysitting options for the girls if we start up on the IVF bandwagon again?' 'Would my parenting abilities change under all of those hormones again?' 'Is my mental health strong enough for the possible disappointment that comes with fertility treatment?' 'Could I handle another miscarriage?' 'Would our marriage survive the stress of more negative cycles?' 'What do we do with our frozen embryos?' 
It's a minefield, that's for sure; one that neither of us is ready to jump back into any time soon - even though my heart tells me that I could do this again, and that we have so much more to give. 
I can't bring myself to give away the baby clothes, as she outgrows them. I don't want to minimise our private health insurance, just in case we need private hospital cover for a future pregnancy. I don't even want to think about what we would do with our frozen embryos,because in my heart, they're ours. For now, everything is on pause, while we enjoy our family of four. Time is already flying by far too quickly for my liking, with our little squish not quite so little anymore & our big girl growing up before our eyes.
I don't know what our future holds. I don't even know when we'll be ready - all of us ready - to get the ball rolling with starting more IVF again, should we choose to forge ahead. But I DO know that whatever happens, my two girls are my whole world, and I'm so grateful to have them in my lives; and for them to have each other. Whatever happens, happens. 
Life is good. :)

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doahleigh said...

My infertility issues pale in comparison to yours, but I'm going through this mental process right now. There are several reasons I think we're done having kids, but the biggest is that I don't think I have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with trying (and probably failing many times) to conceive, and almost definitely not with another miscarriage. If someone could tell me with 100% confidence that I would conceive easily and have a perfect pregnancy and birth, I would be much more inclined to do it. Without that assurance, I just don't think I can...

thesaurus rex said...

hi! i'm still following you, and still totally feeling you. my girls are 3.5 and 1 now and the baby fever is starting to feel pretty real over here. due to insane storage costs, we ended up donating our one dozen frozen embies for research purposes. i so wish we hadn't. as a full time working mama, with 2 crazy kiddos, i cannot imagine re-living those intensely stressful ivf days. on the other hand, i have to take bc regularly to treat pcos bleeding so there will be absolutely no miracle babies up in here. my husband and i still hold on to our baby stuff because it makes it feel not so official, but if we're being honest.. our family is probably complete now. ouch.

anyway, your girls are beautiful!

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