On Giving Up Control

Ugh, guys, I am so sorry I've dropped off the face of the earth lately.

Life is busy. Good, stressful, nerve-wracking, busy. We have so much going on and time is flying and my head/heart are being torn in a million different directions... but it's all okay. I'm trying to take one day at a time. It's so hard when things are out of your control. I don't cope well with not being responsible for making things happen when I want them to. Waiting around has never been a strong point of mine.

I feel like I've been in limbo on three main things: house, work, baby.

All of them will hopefully sort themselves out in time, but that's the thing: I'm sick of the whole 'time' thing. I feel like I've been waiting around for what feels like eons, for each of these things to be resolved - only time keeps on ticking, and we keep on waiting. The waiting, the uncertainty.. it's doing my head in.

On the house front, we're putting all of our good karma into a box and sending it off, hoping against hope that things work out. We are so close, literally, THIS CLOSE, to having the house finished and ready to hand over; in fact, we were promised that it'd all be sorted out by Christmas. Well, that was before the weather gods decided that they'd like this summer to be the coldest and wettest December we've had in FIFTY YEARS in Sydney. Seriously. It has rained constantly this month - meaning our home hasn't been finished. Our final inspection was supposed to have been yesterday, but because of the weather delaying the exterior painting, it's been pushed back to next Wednesday. As in, three days before Christmas. And guess what the forecast is meant to be early next week? PLEASE DON'T RUIN THIS FOR US, WEATHER GODS. If you're so inclined, we would love for a little positive juju and crossed fingers. If the house isn't completed and handed over prior to Christmas, we will end up waiting until the END of January before we can hand over.

On the work front, I'm lucky enough to be going back on class next year. Unfortunately, our school numbers have dropped, which means that we lose a class AND the rest of our classes will be really large. Instead of 24 year 1/2 kiddies, I'll be on 29 next year. That extra group of children will make a massive difference to the way the classroom will run, so I'm mentally preparing myself for it now. I also really feel for a colleague of mine who desperately needs a full-time job, but is waiting around to find out if our numbers will rise - I've been in that limbo myself, so I'm praying it works out for her.

On the baby front, sweet nothing is happening. This one is the hardest of all. It is so, so difficult to watch people around you fall pregnant with what seems like very little effort at all, and to be constantly wishing for what other people have. TTC is all about emotions. You start off with excitement, then uncertainty, then nerves, then anger, then frustration, then hopefulness, then boredom, and so on and so forth. Last cycle, I was back on the 'excitement' train, hopeful that Clomid would do the trick. That didn't work, so this time around I'm sort of numb. If it didn't work last time, why should this time be any different? If the Clomid does do it's job, I'm supposed to ovulate around Christmas time - and I can't think of a more perfect gift than that.

I know that none of these things are ones I can change, but I will keep on keeping on.

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Jana said...

I hear you on the baby front... my SO and I have been trying vor more than 6 years now....I pretend not to think about it. Sometimes it works and some time it doesn't. And then there are all those people and friends around you being pregnant and having babies. That's just sooo...argh. :-(

heidikins said...

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry! I really really hope that the weather clears and you and J can get into the house sooner rather than later. It will at least fill your mind up with all sorts of new housey things and hopefully keep you a bit distracted for a month or two on the baby front.

Lots of love,

Tia said...

That is a lot going on :( But new houses are so exciting! Although I'm 6 weeks pregnant and we only tried for a month, for us there is SO MUCH STRESS associated with "oh man, we're having a baby!" We didn't spend a long time trying, so we didn't spend a long time thinking about what it would mean to have a baby. Yes, we're excited, but it is stressful!

Katelin said...

hope things start coming together for you guys. sending all sorts of house, work and baby vibes your way :)


~stinkb0mb~ said...

SO exciting about the house - know the pain of a possible delay in pci - we had exactly that, the delay ended up being nearly 3 freakin months - i was NOT happy!! i hope you get to do yours before chrissie!

glad you've got a class for next year, that must be a worry off your mind and will keep my fingers crossed for your colleague :-)

re the ttc - i hear you, you know i hear you, 10+ years later, i know what it's like to wait! tia a HUGE congratulations - but seriously a month?!? you got knocked up the first month you tried - please don't complain about "the stress of having a baby" when there are people who would swap places with you in a heartbeat.


Angela Noelle said...

I'm so sorry so much is so stressful right now :( It's so hard to be patient when you want something so badly, but I'm so hopeful and optimistic for you that things will work out! Thinking of you.

Tia said...

Stinkbomb - We all have things that are stressful, and I won't apologize for that. Unexpectly BOTH my company and my husband's company announced 10-20% staffing reductions in January. It IS really stressful thinking that we are going to have a baby and one or both of us could lose our jobs (and therefore our FMLA benefits). That doesn't mean we're not really excited about the baby though!

Unknown said...

Crossing my fingers for you and saying a little spell to the weather gods. I hope the sun comes out for us all this Xmas!
I know exactly what a handful 29 kids can be - my mum's a teacher and her stress levels always go up with more kids, it's inevitable. It will be tough for you, but I'm sure you can do it!

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