After the Storm

I'm still here.

It's been a long few weeks. Feels like longer than it actually has been, no doubt.

But I'm still here.

The overwhelming sadness is more of a dull ache now. The pregnancy is starting to feel like it was eons ago, like time is moving on & those happy months are fading. We're back to where we began... only I'm missing an extra piece of my heart.

I have a bit of a confession. After my hcg levels levelled out, after the pregnancy tests turned from positive to negative, I made a decision to use up my last dose of Clomid {from the pre-IVF days}. I took it from days 2-6 after the zero reading, and waited to see what would happen. I don't have a good history with Clomid; in the early days, I continued to have anovulatory cycles even while taking it. Lo and behold, it worked this time. Charts say I've ovulated. I'm 6dpo now.

Our odds of a natural conception are one in a million. If it were just me with the issues, I'd have a little more excitement - but we've got the two of us to think of. Either way, a TWW is always a wonderful thing around these parts. We don't get enough of them, enough chances to actually try for a miracle.

Whatever happens, it will be a good outcome. Getting a period and avoiding Provera is a win in my books - and if we hit the mystical natural conception lottery, well, that's a whole other story.

Either way, I'll be happy. We are moving forward. For now, this is my motto;

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. 
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. 
Get over your hill and see what you find there, 
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
-After the Storm, Mumford & Sons

15 Comments • Labels: , , ,  


Sarah said...

aly!!!!! i am 6dpo too!! oh praying praying praying for double the good news. i wish i could embrace the TWW as well as you. so strong you always are. love you dear.

Fiona said...

Thinking of you gorgeous xxx

My Vegas said...

Here from ICLW.
I hope your body and the universe are listening and send you some good news soon!

Megan said...

Been thinking about you the last month, though we don't know each other well - hang in there, and I hope this time is for keeps!

Hope4babyover40 said...

Ali you amaze me with your strength and positivity. I have everything crossed for you. Thank you for such a lovely post. xx

Liz said...

You sound like you are doing well. I'm glad to hear that! Thinking of you.

Emilie said...

If anyone deserves a miracle, it's you. Thinking of you often. xx

Keiko Zoll said...

Oh Mumford and Sons... how fitting. I listened to them *religiously* during my cycle in 2012. And kudos for the balls to up your dosage - here's hoping that works in your favor. Wishing you much luck these coming days.

ICLW #3, The Infertility Voice and #7 Good Strong Words

queenjohnsonclan said...

I agree with Sarah above..I really wish I could embrace the TWW like you do! I pray you are pregnant right now with a baby to hold.

Becky said...

Be good to yourself. Infertility is notoriously bad to all of us, so it is so important to remember to take care of you.

My best.

Stopped by from ICLW.

Anonymous said...

ICLW - That is one of my favorite songs. Good luck during this 2ww!

Jessica Martin said...

ICLW here too - there is something so powerful about taking a chance, even if it's just taking Clomid on your own. I hope this 2ww goes by quickly for you!

Janet said...

What beautiful lyrics, thank you for sharing.

I think it's good that you get to have a real cycle. Nothing worse than grieving and ALSO being stuck. Hugs, friend!

Katelin said...

thinking of you friend xoxo

apluseffort said...

Hi from ICLW and good luck this cycle! I like that song too.

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