This morning's jab really hurt. I did everything the normal way, prepared the pen, made sure I saw a liquid bubble to imply it was charged correctly... but man, it stung. Maybe because it was the centre of my tummy? The last two days have been off to either side of my belly button. This one was directly below it.

My stomach has been really sensitive the last few days - not because of the Puregon or because my ovaries are working yet, but just at the actual injection sites. It's the first time I've ever done anything like this, so it's highly likely I'm just being a wimp... or just not used to it. I prefer the quick and easy needle injection than the twice daily Synarel spray, though. That stuff is foul. Totally, utterly foul.

Today we've got a wedding to go to; well, a church blessing and family reception. It's for J's brother, the one we just visited Thailand for. We'll be seeing about half of his family, so half of those people who attended our wedding nearly a year ago. I'm dreading it - not because I don't like his family, but because I guarantee I'll have people staring at my {albeit bloated} stomach, wondering if I'm knocked up.. or worse, outright asking us when we're having kids, or why we haven't had them yet.

In the past, I've laughed it off and changed the subject - or made a joke, saying I'm busy enough teaching 25 of my own kids, and looking after the two cats. But in the middle of this cycle, it just makes me angry. Perhaps I should just come right out & tell them that I'm currently in the middle of an IVF protocol.. but then, why should I have to do that? Our direct families know, but I don't feel the need to announce it to the whole world.

What would you do?

I feel like I've been waiting for this IVF cycle for a lifetime. We made the decision to get a second opinion way back before Christmas, but weren't able to get in and see a new specialist until the beginning of February. Then there were more tests for us both, before we got the go ahead to start in March.

After that, I met with my nurse - she was such a sweetie. As she was preparing everything for me, we talked house stuff and baby stuff, and then she showed me how to put all of the injectible stuff together. I was feeling fine until it came to the actual injection part. She showed me how to put the pen together, how to put the needle points on. Then, I sat there, gripping my belly roll in one hand & the needle pen in the other - and I froze.

The nurse was lovely. She walked me through it. She saw that I was struggling, and she was so patient with me. I asked her if I could just literally JAB it in and be done with it - she told me to relax, I'm not a pincushion! ;) After a few minutes, I finally got the courage to do it - and it was fine. Not bad at all, actually. I self injected this morning at home, and it was nowhere near as scary. I think I'm going to be just fine.

I'm currently still taking Synarel twice a day - this will continue until the egg retrieval in a few weeks, all going well. So, every 7am and 7pm, I snort the nasty spray & try not to gag. I could choose when I wanted to take my injections, but since they must stay in the fridge, I decided to continue doing those at 7am as well, since I'm always home at that time in the morning. In the meantime, here's my wee drug stash for the next few weeks.

After some help & guidance from a few of you, I've decided to start writing here about our struggles with trying to conceive. If you've followed me over from the old blog, welcome! I hope you'll stick around. And if you're one of the few people who still follows this blog {I've been so slack lately} I hope that you won't find all the IVF stuff too much.

To summarise... here's where we've been for the last 17 months:

April 2010: Diagnosed with PCOS after years of dodgy cycles. Started Metformin at 1000mg.
Dec 2010: Began NTNT - cycles continued to be irregular.
Apr 2011: Metformin increased to 1500mg. Began taking prenatal vitamins & Vitex.
Jun 2011: Our wedding day! :)
Sep 2011: Referred to first RE. Metformin increased to 2000mg. Diagnosed with annovulation.
Oct 2011: Clomid 25mg. No O. Progesterone required to induce AF.
Dec 2011: Clomid 50mg. No O. Progesterone required to induce AF.
Jan 2012: Clomid 100mg. O! BFN.
Feb 2012: Met with new RE. Male issues as well as resistance to Clomid - referral to IVF clinic.
Feb 2012: HyCoSy/HSG - tubes clear.
Feb 2012: Clomid 100mg. O! BFN.
Mar 2012: Began IVF #1 down regulation. On BC pill.
Apr 4, 2012: AF arrives - begin sniffing Synarel twice daily
Apr 12, 2012: Begin daily Puregon injections.

And here we are.... right now. Trying to stay optimistic but also trying not to get my hopes up.

So, here goes...

Would you be interested in reading about our IVF adventures here?

For the most part, I've put all of the details on paper over at my TTC blog - but if people are interested, I'm wondering if I should just drag everything over here. It's exhausting writing in two places, and to be perfectly honest? That's pretty much all I'm thinking about right now.

Let me know what you think!

Anyone who knows me at all, will know how long I've wanted a dog. I grew up with dogs, and have always wanted one of my own.The puppy plan went out the window when we moved to the UK. In the meantime, we adopted our two sweet kitties. I adore them and wouldn't change our decision to be a kitty mama for anything.

I'm so sorry I've slacked off lately - bogged down with loads of stuff happening. Things are INSANE right now. But I promise I'll be good and update soon.... after we're back from here:

It's time for our Phuket trip. These pictures are supposedly taken from the room we're staying in. I better get that view... and that swim up pool!

See you in a few days!

I've spent the last few days in a bit of a blur, thinking and over-thinking what's to come in the next few months. It's all baby-centred, of course - but that's to be expected, since we've started our first ever IVF cycle. Let me back track a little and explain how that meeting went down.

On Thursday, we took the day off work to attend our nursing interview and program orientation at the fertility centre. It's located in a public hospital {with notoriously bad parking!} so we went a little early to suss the place out and find a good spot to park. Thankfully we found a paid parking area that wasn't completely full, so off we wandered to try and find the clinic. That's when we proceeded to get completely lost, end up walking through staff offices, and see me end up <-----> this close from having a meltdown on the spot. We eventually found it, but not before walking through the Women's Health Clinic, aka preggo city, and ending up drenched in sweat.

Our nurse was lovely. She took my height and weight measurements, gave me a swipecard for identification in the future, and sat down with us for a good hour, going over our long cycle. Looking at our history, she said she felt confident that IVF without ICSI would do the trick, though that could be revisited in the future if we don't achieve any successful pregnancies. The clinic we're using is public & not-for-profit, so they can only place so many couples on the program at each time, and we were SO lucky to get on immediately. I suppose the fluke of being CD1 at our appointment paid off!

The protocol for us is in the mail, so we should know more about the specifics in the coming weeks. I'll be sure to share that with you, later.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this whole experience, I am. At the same time, I'm trying to protect my heart and my confidence, and be realistic in the fact that it might not work for us. We might need to revisit this process several times, and it's going to take time. Everyone seems to have a story about IVF, about friends falling pregnant on the first time, about the likelihood of carrying twins, about this, about that. That's all well and good {and is mostly well meaning} but I need to focus on me and J. Our journey might go smoothly, or it might not.

So while things are exciting and new, and will hopefully bring about good things in the future.. I'm still grieving. I'm grieving the loss of the baby that we might have conceived the natural way. I'm grieving the loss of a surprising, unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. I'm grieving each time I hear an announcement of a pregnancy, or a baby arriving, from friends, family members, internet strangers.

But this is not meant to be a post all about sadness and loss. It's a hopeful one. It's knowing that we are on the path that we're meant to be on. As much as I complain about waiting, about having nothing to update, and about this whole process, just know this: I feel so grateful, too. I'm grateful that we can afford to make sacrifices financially, to make this happen. I'm grateful that our families support us, no matter what happens. And I'm grateful to have my husband, who truly is my other half.

Our chance to become parents in 2012 is over. But maybe, just maybe, 2013 will be our year.

Whoops!

All of a sudden, it's March - and I've been a neglectful little blogger, haven't I? In truth, there's really not all that much actually happening.

TTC has taken over my brain, and we're waiting around for our IVF appointment next week. The waiting, waiting, waiting is so hard. I hate this part. You try so hard to live your life and not let it be the sole focus - but when it's all you want, how do you do that?

Work is work. My Year 1 class are tough little nuggets, let me tell you.

The house has been wonderful - on the inside. Sydney weather has been so completely rotten - we've had rain constantly this year. That means that our driveway? Still isn't finished. Landscaping? Nope. That means we're living in a lovely house... that is surrounded by muddy, clay puddles. It's awful. I know it'll happen eventually, but it's a mess right now.

Speaking of the house, we've been so unlucky - we have been cursed to move next door to an asshole. He's been difficult for months on end now, even before we had built the house. He was rude to the builders, he parked his old, oil-leaking car in our space, and his evil wife even rang our site supervisor, screaming her head off... and pretending to be me. (Seriously - I've never been impersonated before. I'm torn between feeling flattered & incredibly stabby.)

Well, they've laid turf over our property line & are refusing to accept that. We've sent them survey copies, we've sent them the plans that prove the line, and they're having nothing to do with it. Jase went to serve them a notice of intent to remove the turf - they threw the written letter back at him and slammed the door in his face. He put the letter in their postbox & emailed it to them as well - and we found the soggy envelope thrown in a puddle on our front lawn today. Say it with me now... assholes.

Thing is, we try hard to be good neighbours. The one on our other side are fantastic - we've had a couple of wine and cheese nights with them, they've cut our hair (a hairdresser next door=fabulous) and we've cat-sit for them. We're nice people. We do the right thing. It just sucks when people take advantage of that. Well, no more trying anymore. Hopefully we'll solve this whole thing soon, so we don't have to have anything to do with them again. And we certainly won't be offering to loan them any sugar, should they ever need it.

Now... what's been happening with YOU lately?

P.S. I have two adorable kitties. Just saying.

Have you ever had a day where one song seemed to be surrounding you, constantly?

Today at work, there was a toy lion sitting in the 'for sale' book box - when you pressed him, he sang and danced to the tune of 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'. Every time someone walked into the staffroom, they pressed his button and off he went. It became a running joke of the day and everyone commented on how fitting the song was; especially when you're a stressed out, underpaid teacher.

I left work early today to head to our fertility specialist for a follow up appointment, with that song lyric still floating around in my head. We went through our test results, and were asked for our decision: what did we want to do next? The verdict was pretty easy, and one that Jase and I had already agreed on.

We're going to be doing IVF!

When we'll start will all depend on when my next cycle begins (if I've had no O signs by next week, I'm to start taking progesterone again and induce a period) - but if all goes well, by mid March we should be starting our first cycle. It's weird, I've already got my script of birth control pills ready to use, come CD1. Really - birth control pills? After TTC for all this time? Strange. I'll be on those for a few weeks, then taking Synarel (a nasal spray in place of Lucrin injections - free vs $200, easy choice to make!), and then the injectibles. And, since it takes so long to get started the first time around, our random three-day trip to Thailand in April won't affect anything. (Oh, did I mention that we are going to Phuket?)

Next on the agenda is setting up a nurses appointment at the fertility clinic, where they'll go through the entire ordeal with us in greater detail with us and where we have to pay up-front for the first cycle. The payment part? Not so fun. But honestly, I just can't wait to get this party started.

So after our appointment, I had to go and have one quick follow-up blood test downstairs in the pathology lab. Care to take a guess what song was playing on the radio there? Yep. 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'. Spooky, eh? And I'm not even done yet. In the car on the way home? SERIOUSLY? Uh-huh.

I guess that's our motto for this next phase of our TTC journey. :)

*Cross posted from my TTC blog - Operation: Baby*

• We've been in our new house for almost a month now, and it's still only half-done. The rain around here has been constant, we've got half a driveway done, a whole lot of mud puddles in the front and backyard, and a big old mess upstairs. I love it here, but I'm tired, oh-so-tired.

• My class of Year 1/2 students got so big that the school reshuffled the classes, so we could have smaller class sizes. As such, I'm now a regular old Year 1 teacher - and loving it! Except that I'm tired, oh-so-tired.

• I ovulated last month, for the first time in many, many moons. The two week wait is almost over, but I'm not holding out much hope. {You can read more here.} All I know is that this whole process is making me tired, oh-so-tired.