The first of our summer visitors is arriving this afternoon - a friend will be staying with us for the next few days. We became friends in 2008, not all that long ago, but it feels like we've known each other a lot longer than that. 

I hate to do it, but I feel a bit of a panicky post coming on: you have been warned!

Today, it's all about planning. Here's something you've probably gathered about me just by reading my blog - I love to plan in advance. I'm not a spontaneous person at all - for me to be comfortable and on board with things, I need to be organised and I need to know what's happening with time to spare. For the most part, that's fine - it just means I start looking at things a lot earlier than most people, and have the time to get all of the details worked out without bothering anyone else. It's not that I'm a super planner or anything like that; I'm just not big on surprises and I'm much more likely to enjoy myself when I know things are locked and loaded and ready to go!

Being this paranoid about pre-planning is a positive thing for me - and for others too. It's especially useful when I'm travelling, because I can make up a mean itinerary. (You're talking to the girl who had to create an itinerary to fit in friend visits while I was home for two weeks and in wedding planning mode. It had to be done.) One of the fun things about planning trips is either looking at the itineraries that are already designed, or tweaking them to make them perfect. Suffice it to say that not being in control of my situation really spins me out.

So what is it that has me worrying? It's this year. It's what happens next.

The original plan was looking like this: enjoy our last summer in London with lots of visitors passing through our doors, head off on a European adventure with the girls while Jase finished out his work contract, and then wrapping up our stay in mid-November, maybe squeezing in a short travel stint as a couple before we got back to Sydney ready for Christmas. It was going to be a very busy few months, but I've been looking forward to the travels at the end of the year, particularly helping plan a special and exciting trip away somewhere with the boy before we will move home for good and are both busy with a million other things.

But then we have our Sliding Doors alternative - my smart and talented fiancé has been offered several other prospects for work which he is considering at the moment. He's had one offer already and has another interview lined up, all while holding his current contracting role so he is in a really good position right now - particularly because both roles involve a higher salary and an additional couple of months work. I'm incredibly happy for him, but it throws our plans into a bit of a jumble; it means that our travelling will be put on hold and we'll likely not be home until January or February next year. We don't know what is going to happen yet - financially, the latter option makes more sense, but in truth? I was really ready to wrap up the year by being back home. We have so much to do when we get back - finding an apartment to rent, out laying money on cars, each of us finding a job, planning this wedding - it will all be so much more rushed if we delay our homecoming. It's so uncertain!

To put it bluntly, I'm feeling really useless about what happens next, simply because I can't plan for it. Either way, the plans will be on hold for now and both options are positive ones for us as a couple, so I have nothing to be complaining about. I'm grateful for the opportunities we've had; we're both so lucky.

I've always wished I could be more spontaneous; maybe this is the universe trying to tell me something?

• He sits with his paws tucked up underneath him, so quite often it looks like he has no legs.
• He has several favourite resting spots - the above picture shows one of them, which is next to our bed on the carpet near the window. You can usually find them by the amount of cat fur that has accumulated. Other locations include the arm of the lounge, the mat outside the bathroom door, the top of the treadmill, sprawled out on the wooden floors near the window and lying on Jason's laptop.
• He has to be locked away in our bedroom when it's time to cook or eat. He has no concept of the fact that human food is not cat food, and goes mental when he sees milk, butter or yoghurt.
• He will harass you for your breakfast cereal. He is unrelenting in his quest to EAT.
• Despite being a short haired cat, he is currently shedding. Everywhere. He adores being brushed and I have to vacuum a few times a week. It's possible that he's even shedding more than me - that's impressive.
• He's not a big cuddler. He'll choose when he wants them, and he'll let you know {aka he'll bite you} when he's done. If you pick him up at around dinner time, he will be patient with you and try his best not to bite, because he knows food is coming. We may or may not take advantage of this.
• He's vocal. Oh so vocal. You only have to open the fridge door and you'll find out for yourself.
• He wins visitors over fairly quickly. He's a fraidy cat at first, but he warms up quickly and becomes a bit nosey. His cute little white paws & nose smudge get talked about quite a lot and people think he is charming. {Until he starts stealing their food.} He likes to stalk people, and think it is all a big game.

• He knows when Jason is getting home from work. Despite our heavy apartment complex door opening and shutting loads of times during the day, he can always tell when it's going to be his daddy. He'll wait in the hallway just for him. But when I come home? He doesn't even bother jumping off the treadmill. 
• He is incredibly naughty. He knows when he's doing something wrong, and he'll give us this look of guilt before bolting.. only to come back and try it again to see what we'll do.
• He is also incredibly clever. He wakes us up at least once every night {okay, he wakes ME up, since the boy conveniently sleeps through it all} to have a 3am snack. His first trick to wake me up was climbing up onto the bookshelf next to our bed and subtly (!) knocking things off one at a time. We thought we were being clever too, and stacked our books in a way that he can't fit up there anymore - but he's just found that he can walk over to our cupboard and stomp around, which will make just as much noise. We've raised a monster.
• He knows his bedtime. Around 10pm every night, he'll come and sit directly in front of us and meow until someone gets up to feed him before bed.
• He has developed this super cute habit with me while I'm trying to make tea or coffee. He'll jump up on the counter and give him giant nose rubs/head bumps over and over again. While he's probably just being territorial about the food cupboards, I'm going to go ahead and say it's just because he loves me so much that he feels the need to Eskimo kiss my nose. SO CUTE.
• He'll happily sit at the window and watch the pigeons fly past for hours.
• Every night, we bring him into bed with us for family snuggles. Sometimes we make him dance for us. Mostly, he just sits and purrs. It doesn't last for long. Yes, we're THAT kind of family. 
• I have no shame in admitting that he's the most spoiled cat on the planet. He really, really is. 

I've been having quite a few introspective moments lately - I've been focusing so much on ME, ME, ME these days.

I think that I'm a nice person. Or at least, I'd like to think of myself as a nice person. I'm friendly, I'm polite and I have manners. I may be a little bit introverted and I used to be horrifically shy, but I'm a good person underneath all of that. If you fell over, I would help you up. If your leggings were tucked up in your skirt and you were flashing your knickers to the world, I would pull you aside and tell you, even if you were a strangers. When I read stories about people doing awful things, I can't even comprehend it. What can I say - I like being a nice person.

But am I? There are events that have happened in the past that have made me question this part of myself. One falling out with a friend comes to mind, one that happened a few years back while we were travelling together. I thought I was being a nice person and I thought I was being supportive, but in the end it wasn't enough and the relationship ended around the same time as the holiday did. Was that my fault? Was I to blame for the turn of events that changed that friendship? I can absolutely say yes - at least in part. But isn't admitting faults a good thing? And does that mean that I'm not a nice person? If you asked this friend, I'm sure she would agree with that statement. And who decides what nice is, anyway?

I think that I'm a good listener. I've always been a person that others turn to when they need to vent or need advice. I think my quieter nature helped me in this field and it's also why I chose to study first psychology and secondly teaching at university. I volunteered as an online counsellor for teens when I was fifteen, and I still wonder if it's something which I should pursue again when I grow up. I may not have all the answers, but I can certainly give you my attention, if you need it. I think that I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to knowing when someone needs a chance to talk. Or just sit and be silent. Or be distracted with randomness until the time is right. I take things to heart and I over-think events more than I should, but it's mainly because I care about what happens to that person, and I want to do the right thing by them.

But am I? I try hard to be there for people when they need me, but I'll admit that I can be selfish. Sometimes I want to be the one that others listen to. One of my pet hates is when people tune out to what you are saying midway through the conversation - and turn it about themselves. It's one of the reasons why I find it hard to open up to people straight away in person, though it's often easier to offload here. But haven't I been guilty of doing that in conversation? Being overseas and away from my family and friends is bittersweet, because as much as you try, there are things you can't pick up on from a thousand miles away. I feel like I've let people down and have missed out on important life events, simply by being away for so long.

I think that I'm a good companion. I don't have a giant circle of friends; in fact, I could probably list my real friends on one hand. I have my moments where I'm more than a little irritating or less-than-fun to be around, like we all do, but once you're a friend of mine? I'll support you for life. I think a good friend is worth fighting for. I'm the kind of person who would take one good friend over a roomful of faces - because I want people around me that will be in it for the long haul. And that's the kind of friend that I want to be. I want to be a friend who knows everything about you, someone who your other friends & family members like. I try so hard to remember things like birthdays and special occasions, and I like to spoil people with gifts or words or appropriate musical lyrics.

But am I? Is there a reason why I've never been a member of a crowd? All my life, even when I was in high school, this never happened with me - and while it could be looked at as a positive thing, it could also be the opposite. I even notice it here, in the blog world. Over the past few years, my blog has gifted me with several strong online friendships that I treasure, but blogging now? It's different. There are new cliques forming everywhere I look, and it's difficult to break into them, as hard as you try. I tend to put my all into relationships, and because of this, I tend to be the one who becomes more attached. As such, I can sometimes be walked over by others - whether on purpose, or through unintentional means. I have tried so hard not to let others disappoint me, but it happens more than I'd like to admit. I wonder if this is because subconsciously I'm trying to make more friends, but it's just not working for me? Luckily, the boy is the same - he's always been a bit of an individual when it comes to friends, just like me. For the most part, it's a good thing. But sometimes, like when you're putting together a mock wedding guest list, it can be really upsetting to see just how few people have put in the time with YOU, even enough to warrant them an invitation to the most important day of your life. Maybe I'm not as good a companion as I think I am.

If you've made it down here, I salute you - this post rambled on for longer than I expected it to. Sometimes the whole soul searching thing can bring about more questions than it does answers.

Today is a happy day - as I've lost my first kilogram!*

It's the weekend. Weekends are good. And here are some other things that are good right now!

• Jogging for ten minutes without stopping at the gym. If you know me, you'll know that's an accomplishment. Unfortunately my shins are (still) making me suffer for it today.
• That even after nearly eight years together, I still discover random things about Jase. Last night's discovery? He's a closet Billy Ocean fan. We might just have to throw this little ditty onto our wedding DJ list.
• Baking low fat Weight Watchers chocolate chip cookies. I love getting my hands dug into chocolate dough, reminds me of being a kid again. And soon we'll be eating the finished product, yum.
• Having a big pile of veggies sitting in the fridge that I'm going to make a giant soup out of. I figure if I mash them up and blend them together, I won't taste them individually.. that is the plan, anyway. Talk to me in a few days and I'll let you know how that one went.
• Watching the World Cup from the UK and making fun of the wimpy players.
• Sunshine and beautiful weather without it being too hot.
• Finding old tv episodes online - I don't know where I would be without them. (Oh wait, I know! I'd be re-watching Buffy for the nine thousandth time.)
• Oscar being cute with his new little trick that makes me feel very loved.
• Finding Marley & Me at a charity shop and finally getting to start reading - although I'm only a few chapters in and I've already bawled a few times. This isn't going to end well.

I've been looking forward to writing this post for such a long time; so much so that I've been compulsively checking the date on my laptop for the past few weeks. As of today, I can finally spit it out.

I spoke too soon after being in such a good mood the other day; by mid afternoon, I'd hit the wall and gone into a bit of a slump. As soon as the boy got home from work, he made me a cup of tea and we had a bit of a chat - and we somehow got onto the subject of children.