Losing Another One

The quick version: FET #7 seems to have resulted in a chemical pregnancy.
The long version: FET #7 has been a cruel, cruel experience & has left me feeling defeated.


After the transfer of our little morula/early blastocyst, things got busy. We went to a concert the following night, which was amazing but loud; I jokingly commented that the little embryo had probably already vibrated right on out of there!

The next day, Georgia and I hopped into the car with my folks for an impromptu beach getaway. Hubby couldn't take time off due to a new job role starting, so it was just us. A good five hour drive up the coast later, we settled in to our holiday accommodation and spent the next little while relaxing.

I packed a single pregnancy test into my luggage. I thought that would help me from obsessing during the TWW. While I have it in my head that all frozen transfers are going to fail, I was surprisingly hopeful about this embryo. It's the nicest one we have had in a while, the lab scientists were happy, and I was happy too.

I started having symptoms from around 6dp4dt. Incredibly tired, aching back, sore boobs and a WHOPPER pimple that devoured my chin. The last time I had a breakout like that was last October, when I was pregnant. My skin always goes nuts before anything else!

I caved that night and peed. It was negative. Blindingly negative. I was kicking myself for testing too early, and went to the local grocery store to top up on pee sticks. The next morning was 7dp4dt, so I peed again. Once again, blindingly negative.

I've always had a line, albeit a squinty line, by 11dpo, in all of my previous pregnancies. It's basically my cut off, so I figured that was that. I chucked the pee sticks in the bin in a rage and considered this to be yet another failure.

8dp4dt was not a great day. I was snippy and crotchety and absolutely starving. Oh, and mad at the universe. We took Georgia to the beach and kept ourselves busy the entire day. I didn't pee on any sticks that day.

Since it was 9dp4dt, or 13dpo, I figured I would stop my pessaries and throw in the towel. I'm on a fairly hefty dose of progesterone for transfers now because of my previous losses - so it can take a while for a bleed to occur after stopping the pessaries. If there's one thing I hate doing, it's needlessly waiting around. I'd rather just move on, and get going again.

I peed on the stick, and went to shower. After I was done, I looked back at the stick and prepared to throw out the negative result.

Except it wasn't negative.

It wasn't dark, but it wasn't a squinter. It was a faint but visible second line. I then proceeded to have a panic attack on the bathroom floor, wearing nothing but my towel. It says pregnant. But it's faint. Is it TOO faint for 13dpo? It has to be too late now. It's probably a chemical. What if it's actually worked? What do I do now?

I'm sure most people would get a positive result on a pee stick and take for granted that all is fine, and not spend hours examining the strength of the line. Anyone who has lost a pregnancy will understand my terror, I think. This positive was throwing me for a loop.

My IVF friends have a saying: prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I was doing this, yes, but I'll admit, I was hoping for a miracle. We all hear stories of people who had a really late positive, or a really faint pregnancy test, or a really late implanter. Maybe this time, I could be one of those folks?

Unfortunately, I was not.

This morning's was fainter. This afternoon's was even fainter. Like, really faint, almost squint-worthy. Well, shit.

I've been pregnant 3 times in two years. I've lost all 3 of those pregnancies at various times. 3 from 3. Not great odds.

I have a beta blood draw in two days time. Judging by the pee sticks, there won't be much, if anything, to see by then.

I'm so angry. I'd prefer this to have been a flat out negative - not this chemical pregnancy limbo again. Why does this keep happening? Our testing show we have no genetic issues, my recurrent pregnancy loss blood work all came back normal, but man.... I don't even know anymore. The bad luck run continues.

So I'm apparently pregnant. But I won't be for long.

This sucks.


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6 comments:

Miss Navy said...

I want to give you hope, but I don't want it to be false hope to make it even worse on the other side should this not be a viable pregnancy. I follow another blog where she recently went through a FET. Her doctors told her that sometimes FET embryos can lag behind fresh embryos by a few days, which could account for the delay in getting your squinter. I don't know if she ever found any proof of this in literature or not. As for the lighter test, I don't think I would discount it completely. Lots of factors can alter the concentration that could affect the results of the tests, especially early on in pregnancy. Try to wait until the blood work is done. Just try to hold on a little longer. IVF (fresh and frozen) is hard on us PCOS moms. It isn't fair and we over analyze. Every. Single. Thing. I'm hoping and praying for you.

Mrs. Higrens said...

I'm sorry Aly. Sending big hugs and a virtual shoulder should you need it.

Liz said...

I feel like there are so many factors that impact the darkness of the line. My tests don't always show perfect progression, but I've also had a few chemical pregnancies where the line fades. When we went to Dr. Braverman he drew 32 tubes and blood and tested for things other drs don't, even in a recurrent pregnancy loss panel. I really hope you're wrong, but if not I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love.

Ryanne said...

Big hugs Aly. I'm so sorry hun.

doahleigh said...

I feel completely inadequate saying anything, especially given my current situation. But I can't not. This is so defeating, and I don't understand why you have to live through so much to get what you want. Something that is so simple for so many others. I'm so sorry. I wish there were better words.

Rebecca said...

Sending you a warm cyber hug. Hoping that the numbers are good.





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