This Sucks

I've been quiet lately, I know. It's so hard to update when there is absolutely nothing to update about. Waiting, more waiting. I've been drowning in pregnancy announcements these past few weeks, and it hasn't been pretty.

How much longer do we have to be the ones sitting on the sidelines and smiling through blinding tears, watching someone else get to experience everything we've been dreaming about? Why are we being 'greedy' by wanting to give our kid a sibling? Why is the only news we ever seem to get always bad news?

As you can imagine, things have been pretty bumpy over here. I'm so tired, you guys. I'm tired of this whole thing. It's ironic; something that should be one of the easiest things in the world, one of the happiest times of your life, being something that leaves you terrified and so, so angry. You don't know what I'd give to be able to think about getting pregnant, and then.. ya know.. get pregnant.

I refuse to apologise for wanting to give my daughter a sibling. I refuse to apologise for fighting for this with everything I have, because we are not giving up on this dream. I refuse to apologise for feeling the way I do - because you know what? This is a shitty situation to be in, one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and it SUCKS.

When you think about all the worst case scenarios we've had happen to us in the last two years, it's almost laughable. It gets to a point where you've decided to be hopeful and to ignore things that have happened in the past, because 'it can't possibly get any worse!' - and then it does. And you're left there at the end, not quite sure what to make of it all. Is this all a sign? Am I cursed? It just feels like a bad luck streak that's never ending.

Tomorrow we have a scan and blood test, and I have this terrible feeling in my gut that we're going to end up having another cancelled cycle. I can't explain it; I've had twinges that remind me of cysts I've had previously - but yeah... it just feels like a bad omen. I'm crossing everything that I have and I HOPE I'm wrong! Wouldn't it be ironic to round out the year with more crappy news?

Anyway, I'll keep on keeping on, and I'll cope in the way that works the best for me. And if it means staying in hibernation mode, and focusing on my own little family for a little while longer, so be it.

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Jess said...

Oh honey. I'm sorry it's so hard. So much love to you.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

I hope that both you and I have better outcomes than expected tomorrow (okay so my outcome won't be known for two more weeks- but we both have stuff going on tomorrow). We both have to work just that much harder for a sibling for our daughters- something that is NOT greedy.

Feisty Harriet said...

I so wish there was some kind of relief for you and J, my heart just breaks for you.


ADSchill said...

I know how you feel. I think all these things everyday. The pain doesn't go away once you have a child. It's just right back to the shit, in the hopes that you will get lucky again. And our kids! How could we not want another one? I look at Coop all the time and think how BADLY I want a sibling for him. How I love my sister immensely and can't imagine my life without her in it. It hurts. Do whatever you need to do to stay in a healthy head space and know you can come here to talk.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand! I have nothing new to blog about either. Just the constant waiting. We're not actively pursuing treatment either. Which is also tough. Because at least with treatment, we're actually doing something, but this...nothing.
Not nothing we have house projects were accomplishing, but just waiting. Always waiting.
Thank you for this post. Saying prayers for better results for you.

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