Don't Mind Me, I'm Hormonal

Despite the calm feelings that I'm experiencing early on in IVF #2, I've been a complete basket case today.

It all started because I started researching into adoption statistics - something I'm not going to allow myself to do any more. It's not because I don't want to adopt (because I would, in a heartbeat); it's because the Australian system for adoptions is completely soul destroying, and I honestly don't know if I could endure it. I watched a few documentaries on US inter-country adoptions & got in a complete funk, seeing how 'easy' their adoptions are, seeing how many couples are able to adopt newborns (newborns!) and realising that I just can't do that here.

Then I got into a mad panic, seeing myself childless and barren and not having any of our IVF treatments work. And then, then I got mad. I got mad, because all of a sudden, I didn't want to live in Australia. I wanted to move somewhere else, anywhere else, where raising a child is attainable, whatever the costs.

I researched Canada. I researched America. And I researched moving back to London, our home away from home. I looked at apartments, I looked at jobs. I looked at patient-cost IVF programs in the city. I looked at adopting as an ex-pat. It's silly; I know. I was quite literally researching the price involved of transporting our three fur-babies back to England, before Hubby basically told me that it was too late; we're in it here for the long haul.

You guys, I felt so guilty. He's been miserable since moving back here to Australia, missing his friends, missing the London lifestyle, missing the financial/career perks he had while we lived abroad. And we moved back, largely because of me. Because I wanted to start a family in Australia, because I wanted the house with the backyard and the dog. Because he loved me. And now, here we are - stuck in your typical rut, with a mortgage, with unfulfilling careers, and not even having the children we so desperately wanted and moved back for.

It's like this whole mess is my fault, and I wonder if it was worth it. If we can't have children, if being parents is not on the cards for us, did we throw away our lives in London for nothing?

And then I slapped myself silly a few times, because I'm getting ahead of myself. We're still only at the beginning of our second IVF round, and I know families who went through many more before they were gifted their take home baby. But when will we draw the line? When will we decide that we've done enough invasive procedures, waited too long, paid enough money for no results? And when we draw that line, will I have the same feelings of regret - that we could have stayed, happy in England, as a professional, child-less couple, and saved us all the heartache of the last few years?

I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I'm the type of person who needs to have a plan in place, and I feel so hopelessly out of control right now.

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Bonnie Joy said...

*hugs* I dont have anything useful to say. But I care and I am thinking of you.

DandelionBreeze said...

Be gentle on yourself... you made the best decision for yourselves as a couple. And there are so many options ahead of you with IVF. I didn't realise that it was so hard to adopt here in Oz... I haven't looked into it. I so wish it were easier and that you get your break soon. Love always xoxo

sass @ (In)fertility Unexplained said...

It's the worst part of it...needing to have a plan, yet having so little control. I hope that your worries turn out to be for nothing, and that this is your lucky cycle!

And, it's never too late to move again - but you DON'T have to think about that now.

Jess said...

Ugh, this sucks. I'm so sorry you're in a position where you find yourself asking these questions. I know you KNOW it's too early to be worrying about this stuff, but you and I are the same--we like to plan and organize, and if something so major is so up in the air, it drives you crazy. The worst is when you can't DO anything to fix the problem, or if you're already doing it and it's not enough, and you feel powerless.

But don't blame yourself for living where you do. Yes, it was your choice, but it was Jason's choice too. And I recall when you were still living in London, how desperately you wanted to move back to Australia, and it wasn't just because you wanted to start TTC--it was because that's where you wanted to be. I feel like your frustration over your fertility problems is probably making you feel much worse and more fatalistic about all other aspects of your life.

But you WILL be a parent someday, even if you DO have to move eventually to make that happen. You are the type of person who makes things happen. You WILL find a way. And hopefully the way will be the IVF cycle that you're starting right now!

Sarah said...

*Hugs* I wish I could say something comforting, but I have never been where you are and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I will say though, I really do believe you are going to get your take home baby, it's going to happen for you!! Try to keep your chin up and take it one day at a time, that's what I have been working on, and it's hard, but I think it's the only way to get through the tough stuff.

Britt said...

Sorry you're going through a rough patch. I hope things turn around soon.

Shelley @ Tales from the Waiting Room said...

Don't beat yourself up about decisions you made in the past with the best of intentions. You did the best you could with the information you had. We all have things like this in our life, major decisions we made with one set of criteria and goals in mind, and then things change and life turns out different and you start to regret them. Don't. Because it wasn't your fault. Keeping my fingers crossed that the baby piece falls into place as soon as possible for you guys, preferably this cycle! In the meantime, be nice to yourself! You're going through a lot. :)

CBrain said...

Step away from the computer. Step away from Google. Get you butt out into the glorious sunshine that is our winter. Remember how horrible, grey and gloomy the winters are in London.
Do you have any holidays in the pipeline? Might help to have something else to look forward to.

Cassie said...

Take it one step at a time. Go easy on yourself, you made some plans with the best of intentions. It's not your fault that they aren't falling into place. No one is trying to place blame.

I am so sorry for you for these feelings, they are horrible to be going through I am sure.

~stinkb0mb~ said...

Hello gorgeous gal. I know the place you're in right now, I know you're struggling but I promise you, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, it may not come in the way you want it but it is there.

I read your post tonight and found myself nodding along to it. We too moved [back for me] to Oz because I was homesick - I got over that 2 months after we were back and I've regretted moving back ever since - as has Guv. England suits us BOTH better, we prefer the lifestyle over there.

Now the ironic part? If we were still in England, if we had of stayed? Yup we would have adopted by now because adoption is so much easier over there. In fact we have even talked about adopting over there and then bringing the baby/child back here because we just aren't in a position to move back to England permanently.

And if we had of stayed and still not become parents, the travel opportunities we would have had being based in the UK would be SO much better, so our lives would have been better from that aspect as well.

Sigh - I truly wish we hadn't of moved back and that we were in a position to move back now.

We make the best decisions for ourselves at that point in time honey and at that point in time, moving back here was the right thing to do for you both. Be gentle to yourself, especially while you're on the rollercoaster that is IVF.



Emilie said...

I can't relate to what you're going through with infertility but I can definitely relate to needing a plan and having to know RIGHTNOW what's going to happen with your life, the what ifs that you ask yourself about past decisions and wondering if you're ever going to get the life you envisioned for yourself. It's hard when you find yourself in a position where you have to ask, are my dreams ever going to come true? You are such a planner, just like me, and it's SO hard to not be able to plan because you don't stinking know what's going to happen. It's a helpless feeling. I wish I could make this easier on you because you deserve to have your dreams come true. Life is so freaking unfair sometimes and it sucks so much. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to feel so guilty. Things do happen for a reason...I tell myself that over and over again on my bad days. Once in a while I actually find myself believing that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Love you lots, lady.

Just T said...

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I already had our back up plan in place for months now and we don't have ivf #2 for a few weeks still. I think it puts our mind at ease to have some sort of back up plan to fall back on.

Good luck!

Allie @ Everyday Adventures said...

Major, major hugs! To both you and Jason. It's never too late to change your mind, to go back to London or even a different part of Australia if it suits you both better. It will be okay. :)

Liz said...

I am a new follower and am sorry you are bumming out. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

heidikins said...

I'm late, but **HUGS**


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