Resolve

It's been a few days now, and I'm mostly feeling okay. I have moments of clarity, of rage, of numbness, but mostly I'm just resigned. And sad, still so very sad. These past few days I've been taking some time for myself, in the form of running on the treadmill, eating chocolate bunnies & playing with Georgia. We'll be right.
You've probably seen the banners flying around the interwebs, but it's National Infertility Awareness Week. I want to change this to INTERNATIONAL Infertility Awareness Week, since it affects couples worldwide, but you know, that's how it goes. ;) So hard to think of women {and men} struggling for such a long time. 
Being an infertile the first time around sucked. It sucked because you desperately wanted something you couldn't get to, you'd never had before, and you thought you may never get. You watch everyone around you get pregnant, complain about being pregnant, whinge about kids, tell you how easy life was before kids & all the things you 'should enjoy while you can'; when all the while you want to punch them in the face and cry. And maybe you do just that, if that floats your boat. {I cried, not punched, in case you were wondering.}
Then I became one of 'those' people. The kind that comes out the other side - the kind who got a take home baby. I am so thankful that we have her; she is a million times more than I could have ever hoped for. I'm sure I unintentionally left people behind, feeling stuck in their journeys while I moved on in mine. And that's why I kept blogging here, even when we were learning and growing with Georgia - because this was our journey. 
Being an infertile for the second time around... well, it sucks too. All those emotions come flooding back, except this time, you have something to be grateful for. Our daughter is the the biggest grounding mechanism I have; on the days where I'm stressed, I'm angry, I'm bitter, I can look at her and know it was worth fighting for. But the hurt remains, because this time? I know what it is I'm sad about. I've felt those pregnancy flutters and waves. I've nursed that newborn in the wee hours, the two of us all alone in the world. I've had my tiny toddler snuggle into my arms like it's the only place she wants to be. And I want that, again, for our little family.
Be kind to yourself, and to those around you - this week and all weeks. The journey is awful, but keep holding on.


6 Comments • Labels: ,  

6 comments:

Megan said...

Thanks for the inspiring post! Though I usually seek out people in the same boat as me, it's good to get some perspective from people who have come out the other side. <3

jess said...

I actually found the second time around a little bit harder. It's like you're not allowed to whinge or being sad about it anymore because you have come out the other side with a child. I felt like I should just be grateful that I had one child and I wasn't allowed to desperately hope for a sibling for her.

I really hope you come out the other side again with a sibling for your daughter. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Its nice to know none of us are alone in this journey. I'm having surgery next week to remove a mass in my uterus that has prevented me from getting pregnant. Hopefully, I will be able to come out on the other side, but everything is in the air still. Thanks!

Feisty Harriet said...

Hugs, my dear.

xox

Katelin said...

Love this lady. xo

Emilie said...

I haven't been in your shoes but I think I would find the second time harder because you know what you're fighting for, yet you have people who expect you to be happy with the baby you have. It's horrible. You are a fighter though and I pray that you are able to complete your family with as many babies as you want. Love you tons my sweet friend!





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