What Happens Now?

I never thought I'd feel worse than I did when we found out about our missed miscarriage earlier this year. Apparently, I can.

It's been twelve days since I peed on that first early pee stick, and saw a shadow. It's been a week since I had my official first beta. Full of hope, and excitement, and nervous trepidation. It's been a week since I started getting nervous, when the beta came in at 60. It's been five days since we learned that the beta hadn't doubled, and that things weren't looking good. It's been three days since we found out that the levels had dropped down, and that the pregnancy wasn't viable.

It feels like an eternity.

When we lost our last baby, the time between finding out and having the d&c was short. For 24 hours, I was a nervous wreck. Panicked because I had a baby inside me that was no longer living, that I would start to bleed and have to go through a miscarriage at home. Thankfully, that didn't happen and the surgery went smoothly.

When we found out that this baby wasn't going to make it, everyone assured me I'd start to bleed. I stopped all of the medications last week, my last progesterone pessary was on Thursday night. I've been expecting to see blood every time I visit the bathroom. I've been waiting for this to begin, so that it can end. Once again, my body isn't working. Nothing is happening.

I still feel pregnant. I have sore boobs, the same pulling tightness that I've had during my last two pregnancies. I have crazy hyper-smell nose, and my veins are popping out all over me. This is the most heartbreaking thing to be going through.

I just want to bleed. I want my hcg to drop to zero. I want this early miscarriage to be over, so that we can move forward with our next cycle before the year is out. This morning, I had yet another blood draw, and hopefully I'll find out the results of that hcg level tomorrow morning.

I'm still hoping. Not hoping for miracles, or that this pregnancy can be saved - but I'm hoping for a quick ending, and for the chance to get another cycle in before the year ends. Please, let this be over with soon.

6 Comments • Labels: , , , , ,  


Unknown said...

I hope you get your quick ending, and I hope physically it isn't so hard. It is hard enough emotionally.

Hapa Hopes said...

My heart breaks for you sweet Aly. Many hugs. I hope your agonizing wait is over soon.

Emilie said...

I know nothing I say will really make you feel better, so just know that I love you and I'm sending a zillion hugs over the ocean to you. I wish with all my heart this was not happening to you. Life is so unfair. xoxo

Katelin said...

thinking of you friend and sending lots of love & hugs xoxo

Shannon said...

The waiting is the worst. Not the worst - losing a baby is the worst. But the waiting is horrible. Not only are you losing a pregnancy, a baby, all your hopes and wishes, but you're losing so much time. I had a D&C last week when my miscarriage was discovered, and now I'm waiting waiting waiting to get my period, hoping, like you, to get another opportunity to try before the end of the year. It's not quite the same as where you're at, but I know how much watching time pass when you're in the middle of this crap sucks. Wishing you well.

Kato Potato said...

I'm sorry this is such a tough time and year. Way too much loss. <3

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