A weighty Issue

So.. I've always had trouble with my weight.

That's what most people say, right!? It's sort of a lie for me, but only sort of. I have never thought of myself as a healthy weight. I was always taller than everyone else at school, and solider and just, well, not like them. And as you do, I always compared myself to them and decided that I was overweight. My whole group of friends were basically short, skinny girls.. and then there was me.

It's only looking back now that I realise what an absolute nutbag I was. I was fucking beautiful. My Year 10 formal pictures make me want to cry, I was so gorgeous. And I always, always had doubts. I was upset because it was a Size 14 dress, I remember standing in the shop dressing room bawling because of what size it was. But you know what? I looked good. And just never realised it. I kept that dress all these years, because I want there to be a time when I am able to put that dress on again and just strut. I'll never wear it out again (no more formals, thank god) but it's a goal for me.

I started having relationship troubles with my exboyfriend in Year 11. He fucked with my self esteem and my personality so bad, what I wouldn't give to change the past. My weight started getting worse then. I went up a dress size by the end of high school, and I hated myself even more in Year 12. Those photos I would burn today, if I could. Not flattering. I have now also developed a phobia of ANYTHING strapless. *shudder*

And then. I started university right after. University - a hellish time of insane classes, weird timetables, social isolation and then. Cafes. Having 8pm tutorials, and the only thing being open was a KFC 5 minutes down the road. Never having time (or effort) to actually pack food, because I was always so damn late to everything. The joys of having a car and passing by drive-thru after drive-thru on the long way home. Excuses, yep. But the weight.. oh, the weight.

I'm not overweight anymore. I am, rather, fat. And it doesn't offend me when I say that because I don't have my head stuck in the sand anymore. I know I am. And for the past year, I have been trying to change that. I exercise. I try different eating plans. I get geared up for success and then get disappointed when nothing happens.

The most recent blow was starting a Shake Diet, going off it after a week because of getting the flu, and then my stomach deciding to tell me that it really didn't ever like the taste of those shakes, thankyouverymuch. So now, I have 4 bags of meal replacements that would last me another three weeks should I use them, but the thought of drinking them makes me want to vomit.

And I have a partner who has given up on me, and doesn't know why he bothers supporting me anymore. And I have online friends who have been amazingly supportive and understand when things go wrong. And I have a mother who is also really really good about it all, and is now encouraging me 100% to try something different. And then there's me, who's just desperate to get back into that Year 10 formal dress.

Yes, I've always had a problem with my weight. That's right. MY WEIGHT.

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mish said...

Hey Alynda,
I'm not sure if you remember me but I'm Allie's friend ;D

I think at one stage all of us girls have weight issues, you have the months that fly by when you're perfectly happy with your weight and then there are the times when it just upsets the hell out of you. I remember for my formal & semi-formal the strict diet rage that took hold in the weeks before the event and the crying and the complaining about not being able to fit into a smaller sized dress. So many girls cried because they couldn't fit into *that* size 10 dress. Me? I didn't even *GO* to my formal because I didn't think I'd look good in a floor length gown. Why? Because I'm one of those size 6 girls who's flat as an ironing board. Seems stupid now..but it was a big deal at the time.

I guess the most important thing you have to find is confidence in yourself. Once you find that confidence? Never let it go because there are always going to be people who try to insult you with their interpretation of your flaws..but what should it matter if you don't view them as flaws? Hell, two weeks ago my ex-boyfriend (of 9 days by the way) flamed me over the internet & along with his friends posted line upon line of insults about the things they viewed were wrong with me. Among the things they said was that I need to stuff tissues in my bra until I hit puberty, and as I read it, I realised that I really didn't care anymore.. because why should it matter if I'm not good enough for anyone else as long as Im good enough for myself?

Just remember that if you want it badly enough, you'll be able to do it :)

Viviane said...

Hey Aly! I hope your new plan to lose weight works well for you! It definitely did for me, and you got your mom supporting you which is great! :) I hope your boyfriend will also realize that you really are trying, and be more supportive, because it's so important that the most important people in your life support you! It is tough and you have to have a strong will, but it's worth it in the end.

Stefi x said...

Hey Aly!
Guess what, I have typepad too :P But mine is in Italian, in case you want to practice!
Good luck girl, I'm always here if you need anything, k? *hugs*

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