Rubbing It In.

To dear porn-offering person spamming my email,

I suppose I should start off with a thankyou, because I would hate to sound rude. Especially on a Friday morning. Nothing (alright, maybe not nothing) can make cranky on a Friday morning. Friday mornings are awesome. Not as awesome as Saturday mornings, but not far behind either. Am rambling now. Where was I? Ah, the thankyou. Yes.

Thankyou, kind spammer, for sending me three-four emails per day. It might sound a bit strange to be thanking you for this, but I feel it must be known: I am a bit of an email whore. When I'm on the computer, I'm guilty of checking my email compulsively; hoping to see the inbox light up. I'm blaming this blog for fueling the fire, because I love seeing blog comments get sent through (hint, hint) but the junk emails you've been sending? They help too, even if they end up in the trash not long after.

The problem I have is rather to do with the content of the emails.

I agree with your man.
xxx hardcore porn
Buy some buy some


Look, pal. I may be partner-free for the moment, but I'm coping just fine. I really don't need any of the products you are offering, especially if the word 'hardcore' is involved. That frightens me, just a little.

(Am apparently a prude.)

What I find very interesting, spammer dear, is that you seem to be in correspondence with my missing other half - obviously having some deep and meaningful conversations about my sex life, or lack thereof. Please cease this immediately. It's creepy. Very creepy.

I do like the persuasive tone at the end of your message though. Short, sweet and to the point. Nice work on that one, even if I'm still not going to be visiting you. If I can cope for four months, I can cope for another seventeen days. Thanks anyway, though.

Looking forward to tomorrow's emails,

Aly


26 Comments • Labels:  

26 comments:

Nic said...

I'm apparently a 13 year old boy because when I looked at your title after reading the post I cracked right the hell up.

Katie said...

Ha, that's almost a haiku! A porn advertising haiku!

EmilyPie said...

Ha. This was very well done.

katelin said...

Haha, I just laughed out loud reading this.

michelle said...

lol. you tell him!

Fiona said...

Now you can look forward to the google porn seachers being directed to you blog, looking for "xxx hardcore porn
"

natalie said...

good call, Fiona!

Jen said...

I'm just here for the hardcore porn.

Lindz said...

Ditto! I get all giddy when I get emails and I secretly hope for them to be blog comments. What I don't understand is why WHY W-H-Y the porn people think I have a penis or perhaps am with someone who has a small one. WTF? Talk about making assumptions.

Ian said...

For some reason I've been getting bombarded by Korean spam this week. To the spammer/s concerned, yes I have been there, and yes I can identify the odd word in Korean, but I'm no way fluent enough to know whether you're offering shares, viagra, penis enlargement or helping you move billions of won overseas.

And what is it with spammers? I get a crappy email, badly worded and its supposed to make me think, "sure I could use a couple of extra inches" and buy whatever it is they're hawking.

rye said...

I was laughing hysterically after reading this post. But then I read Nic's response and I was completely doubled over! I think I just lost ten pounds laughing - nice!

kirby said...

I did the same as the first commenter... read the title... read the content... thought.."hang on..." before the convulsive giggles set in. Nice work.

brandy said...

I loved this. Nic's comment as well as your post. Genius!!

Kat said...

Now that made for a very amusing morning read. I am off to check my emails to amuse me some more... Hehe

Larissa said...

I get lots of porn spam too. And the emails from missionaries in Kenya asking for my money to build their new church.

Lisa said...

Laughed out loud at Nic's comment myself.

And oh, I am DEFINITELY looking forward to your next Google-age. Hahaha.

sognatrice said...

That's so sweet that you have an email "admirer."

The Mouse said...

Ack! We have the same spammer!

nicheplayer said...

Well, I dunno about you, but I find this spam very informative. "Women like big ones." Whew knew? And there are also great ideas for kid names in there, if you ever find yourself expecting: FuckstickMonsterRickie for a boy and FrancescaHulkyErectileorgan for a girl. Imagine the first day at school!

Aimee said...

Hey! I can't believe that guy is cheating on me. I thought I was the only one!

I was actually contemplating posting a blog of all the interesting titles of some of these lovely emails. hehe

Unnaturally Blonde said...

Oh porn spam, that will never go away! I had to open a new account to escape!

elise said...

"Buy some buy some"

Why have I never used this genius marketing phrase in my own business? Thank you for bringing it to my attention! I will start it today, and let you know how it works. Thank the porn man for me too, will ya?

Virginia said...

HAHAHA! You should actually send this back to one of the porn emails. Who knows if anyone will actually receive it, but it'd be hilarious if they did.

Margaret said...

I can't believe you only have 17 more days left before you leave. It doesn't seem like that long since you first wrote about Jase leaving.

Kristabella said...

Are you getting the ones from the erotic toy website that wants you to write reviews? Because while I write about everything, I've never proclaimed my love for any sex toys. So I'm not sure how you found me.

Kristie said...

Ha! I love the e-mails that offer to enlarge my penis. As if.





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