2015: The Year That Was

Last year was a tough year. Losing our first pregnancy, followed by the pregnancy later in the year - it really shattered us. 

But this year? This year was even tougher. There was more loss, more disappointment, more frustration. If 2014 was hard, 2015 topped it. This year would have been the toughest one I've faced in my entire 31 years. It's humbling, really. But.. we got through it. I got through it. And that's about the most positive thing I have to say about how it has all progressed.

I'm following the same format as years gone by to keep it simple - (2006200720082009, 2010, 201120122013 & 2014)

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before? 
Lost another pregnancy. Parented a toddler. Had our first overseas family holiday. Swapped IVF clinics. Lost my faith. Sent my little one to daycare.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I said I was going to be more positive.. and I think I failed. Being knocked down over and over again makes it pretty hard to do. I'll make another one or two, but I won't promise I'll hit them!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. 

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes. We lost my Nanna suddenly in June.

5. What countries did you visit? We visited Fiji in February for our first family holiday.

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015? The same thing I hoped for this time last year - a healthy pregnancy with no complications. A sibling for G.

7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? February, when we hopped on a plane and flew to Fiji. March 4, when we would have welcomed our little man into the world. A sad day. March 19, when my sweet little nephew was born. March 30, when we celebrated Georgia's 2nd birthday. October 20, when we found out out we were pregnant again. November 2, when we found out we had lost that baby too.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
 Admitting defeat and asking for help. There comes a time when things get too hard, when the struggles are becoming a daily thing, and when my usual coping strategies failed. This year, I realised my limitations & took steps to look after myself - to support myself through a really, really hard time. Keeping it together and being the best parent I can be to my daughter is one of the things I'm the most proud of.

9. What was your biggest failure? Jealousy. Infertility and loss brings out the worst in you, and turns something joyful for (seemingly) everybody else around you, into something that makes you crumble.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought? We bought a new car in October. After waiting for ages, hoping our family would expand so we could justify the expense, we decided to just do it. Best decision we've made!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Jase. My husband is basically the most amazing person I know. He's the only one who has seen me at my worst and who supports me unconditionally. I love him more than he'll ever know.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? My own.

14. Where did most of your money go? Fertility treatment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Swapping clinics! I really hoped that after so much disappointment, we'd get lucky this year with our new clinic behind us. It didn't pan out that way, but oh well. I also got to meet my sweet little nephew man. :)

16. What song will always remind you of 2015? 
Don't Be So Hard On Yourself - Jess Glynne

I came here with a broken heart that no one else could see
I drew a smile on my face to paper over me
The wounds heal and tears dry and cracks they don't show
So don't be so hard on yourself, no 
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) Happier or Sadder? Sadder. 
(b) Thinner or Fatter? Fatter.
(c) Richer or Poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Travelling - but finances didn't go in our favour.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Hibernating - but that's been my coping mechanism of choice this year.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2015? With our little family. It was a bittersweet one this year.

21. Did you fall in love in 2015? I stayed in love. :) 

22. How many one-night stands? I'm too old for these questions now, I fear.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Game of Thrones, again. X-Files. Melrose Place. I went back to the old school shows this year.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope.

25. What was the best book you read? Furiously Happy: A Funny Book about Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson. Do yourself a favour: read it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Re-discovery? Lifehouse! We saw them again this year and they were brilliant, as always.

27. What did you want and get? To celebrate every moment I have with my daughter.

28. What did you want and not get? A baby. I have three sad memories, but no new baby.

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Mockingjay.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31. Nothing exciting this year. In fact, a lot of folks forgot it even existed this year.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having a pregnancy stick around. Being able to watch G growing up with a sibling. Not feeling like the only person who's missing out on things.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015? Summer dresses.

33. What kept you sane? My family. And my fur-babies.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Meh.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? We got rid of Tony Abbott, so that's something.

36. Who did you miss? I (still) miss my Nanna. I miss old friends. I miss far away places. I miss feeling like I fit in somewhere, rather than feeling like I don't belong.

37. Who was the best new person you met? My miscarriage support peeps. They get it.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015. You're stronger than you think.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill & see what you find there... with grace in your heart & flowers in your hair."

40. What are your resolutions for 2016? We will get pregnant in 2016. WE WILL.

Happy New Year, friends. Props to you all for sticking around through what has arguably been one of the toughest years of my life, and for accepting the hard days along with me. Being able to blog, to share my fears and my disappointments, to help people realise that they're not alone and to be heard; that's a big gift, and it's one that I'll continue to utilise as long as I can. 

Thank you for helping me feel less alone.

8 Comments • Labels:  


Britt said...

<3 All my positive thoughts for a spectacular 2016 for you and your little family. xoxox

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Oh lady please try to not be so hard on yourself. It's been another tough year so if you are not your chipper, usual self that is to be expected.

I'm sending all kinds of positive thoughts to you for a fantastic 2016.

Cassie Dash said...

2015 was really hard, but I'm trusting that 2016 will be your year! Many good thoughts and prayers for you in the year ahead. xo

Jess said...

I'm so sorry 2015 was such a rough year for you. I have a lot of hope that 2016 will be your year. Xoxo.

Heatherj said...

I could have written this. I'm sorry 2015 was so hard on you Aly. Praying that 2016 brings us the happiness we have been waiting so long for xxx

Feisty Harriet said...

So many hugs to you and your family. I sincerely hope 2016 brings you what your heart wants and needs.


doahleigh said...

I hate that 2015 was so hard for you. I hope with all my heart that 2016 is a million times better!

Eris said...

Much love my dear. Sorry it was an awful year.

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