On weight loss:
"Just lose weight and you'll be pregnant in no time!"
{If losing weight was that easy, don't you think I would have done that by now?}

On unexpected OOPS pregnancies:
"Yay! Congrats! So much easier than spending ages stressing out about TTC!"
{Because nothing gets an infertile down further than how much 'easier' it is for people to ooops! get pregnant.}

On old wives tales:
"My friend's sister's room-mate swore by ___, ___ & ___ and she's pregnant with twins!"
{You name it, we've probably tried it. Hot yoga isn' going to fix our medical problems, but thanks anyway.}

On IVF #2:
"I've heard it can take up to 5 cycles before a successful pregnancy, so just keep going!"
{Would YOU like to be lending me thousands of dollars for each unsuccessful cycle? Go right ahead.}

On being younger than 30:
"You're still young! You have plenty of time to get pregnant."
{At this point, my age is the only thing I have going for me. The longer we don't get pregnant, the harder it gets.}

I get it, you're trying to make me feel better. But all you're actually doing is making things worse. agree with me, empathise with me if you can, but don't belittle this experience. There's a chance that we won't be lucky enough to be biological parents at all - so please, stop, and think before you speak.

10 Comments • Labels: , , ,  


Teacher Anonymous said...

Ugh, yes. After posting about my mixed feelings on the occasion of yet another friend's pregnancy announcement, I had the most frustrating series of emails from my mother recently on this topic. I wound up forwarding the whole thing to my husband so that I could discuss and vent without tearing my mother a new one. In short, she doesn't really understand that there might be issues getting pregnant, doesn't know why I might set a cut-off date for trying, seems to think that science must be completely separate from my "female" emotions (rather than being another tool in my mental toolbox). Gah! As someone who, once her spouse finally agreed to have kids, had two closely-spaced children without difficulty, she doesn't have any experience in the matter, seems unable to empathize in any way, and is generally frustrating to talk to.

Sorry for venting, but, holy crap! Some people just suck at this whole "sympathizing with your troubles without making you feel even worse" thing.

CBrain said...

I'm feeling frustrated too!
The weight thing isn't an issue for me, although sometimes I wish it was. I know that is crazy talk but it means I would have some tangible goal to work towards.
The husband coped it when he offered someone elses IVF as a success story. I'm so frustrated because I'm a long way off IVF but I get the feeling we will end up there.
As for the 'young' comment. Not helpful AT ALL. My husband's friends are all in the mid-late 30's. They have said this comment to me a few times....the difference being THEY have kids.

Teacher Anon- Hrmm do we share the same mother?

ARRRRRGGGHHH I wish it was holiday time already.

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry Aly, I truly wish there was a magic wand out there that I could wave and you would magically have a baby in your belly.

Also, I'm sorry if that is another thing people say that hurts you. It probably is, because it's really stupid. Ughh.. How about I'm thinking of you often and praying that the next cycle shows a strong response from your ovaries, many suitable embryo's and that one of those little guys takes up residence for 9 months!! Xxoo

Shelley @ Tales from the Waiting Room said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I totally hear you on these. Unfortunately, people often just don't know what to say and in their attempt to be positive or encouraging, end up saying the totally wrong thing. I even had a cousin of mine, who did several IUIs and tried for years before conceiving #1, tell me maybe we should try to go on a vacation and relax! So even infertiles forget their roots sometimes too...

Stork Chaser said...

ugh! yes all of the above makes me want to scream and pull my hair out. the worst one is "stop tyring! that's when people get pregnant." omigawww. good luck with your next cycle!!!

Hapa Hopes said...

5? FIVE? I am not doing this five times. That person had better be a liar.

I love "Why do you do this to your body? Why don't you 'just' adopt." Next time I hear that I'm going to say "Why didn't you?"

Anonymous said...

Argh! I'm not sure why people feel as if they have to be "solvers", offering ridiculous advice that would solve everything for others. I hope your next IVF cycle goes swimmingly! Also, here from ICLW!

Maya said...

Dear dear Aly,

NOTHING you are feeling is a) invalid b) wrong c) unfamiliar to any of us dealing with IF issues.. I know you're on my FB and since I've been seeing your house/puppy/general "nesty" type posts, I assumed that you'd be the 501st person on my FB to pop up with "Gueeeesss whhaaat!" and a cute sonogram know the type. So I'm so sorry to hear you guys are dealing with this crap - us to - after 2 years of being married and TTC the ENTIRE time (one m/c, 18+ months of striking out since that) .....and EVERY single geedee one on my FB, in real life, etc - I just hate that any of us are dealing with this! ARggghhh!

Hugs to you, my dear!

JB said...

People should just not talk. It would definitely make life easier. Sorry you're having to hear all those crappy comments. I just hope that I never forget my "roots" as you say. While I don't want to let infertility define my whole life, I also never want to forget where I've come from and what it's taken to get here.

Lara said...

Sad - I can't believe people are saying those things to you! I am sending love and warm wishes from my corner of the world. You will make an amazing mother someday, and until that day comes, I am just hoping you will be surrounded by lots of supportive, encouraging people.


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