Hope & Light

I've been in this funk, really, seriously quite depressed since the egg collection and fertilisation report. This weekend has been awful. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fertility team, in everything that didn't go as I had prayed that it would. I was comparing myself to others at the same part of this journey, wondering why I was chosen to have such a poor go at it, and why they seemed to have it all turn out perfectly.

I was getting sad, then angry, then sad again, at comments that I'm sure were meant to make me feel better, but just rubbed me the wrong way. I was scared too; scared of having to mentally prepare myself for a new cycle, scared of the wait that would come during that mandatory time off to recover, physically and emotionally. I was worried that financially, we wouldn't be able to have another go - something which everyone just assumes you'll do.

I felt love, so much love towards my husband. He has been so wonderful; even though I can tell that he doesn't understand that I've been hit by a massive blow. He has stayed positive, he has looked after me, he's done everything he possibly could have to help me heal.

So, yes. If you throw an emotion at me, I probably felt it over the past few days.

I woke up this morning feeling (dare I say it?) excited for the days ahead. My pain is a little better, although it still flares up if I move too fast or if I'm using the bathroom. Gravity=ouch. A good friend from online gave me some beautiful advice: just do things one step at a time. And so, I am. My focus is Monday. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we're going to transfer an embryo, something that we created. It may stick, it may not, but we're having a go. And isn't this what the goal has been all along? To give ourselves, and our potential baby, a chance? So, I am excited.

Excited, but also still a little scared. But I think that's okay.


8 Comments • Labels: , , ,  

8 comments:

Hapa Hopes said...

Here's something totally off topic that might make you laugh. I read your posts with an Australian accent in my head. It's lovely.

Yay for transfer day! Fingers crossed for a sticky one!

Kelly said...

One day at a time. Great advice! xo

EndoJourney said...

Yes. One day one step at a time. You are doing absolutely everything you can for yourselves and your future family. Lots of live and sticky vibes for your transfer!

Stork Chaser said...

YAY! I'm here for the first time from ICWL and I'm so excited that you're excited! Good luck! :-)

Dandelion Breeze said...

Thinking of you... whenever I've had a bad result, I just keep telling myself that it's quality over quantity... and one step at a time. The roller coaster of it all is so hard... hang in there and we're all here for you. Love to you for your transfer xoxo

CBrain said...

Oh to be a different statistic.......I don't know what you are going through. I just wish we were both different statistics

storiesfromatx said...

Great advice! Fingers crossed for you--I can't imagine how hard it is to stay positive through all of this.

storiesfromatx said...

Great advice! Fingers crossed for you--I can't imagine how hard it is to stay positive through all of this.





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