What If?

If our first IVF had worked, we would be expecting {or would already be snuggling} a baby right about now.

Our beginner's attempt at getting pregnant through IVF was one heck of an experience. Going through all of the pre-procedure meetings, appointments, blood tests, HSG dye tests. Meeting the staff at the fertility clinic and building a relationship with our specialist. Spending hours researching the procedures, the side effects, the complications. Coming to terms with the statistics and facing the odds of whether it would work for us or not.
When we started the journey, it was alongside lots of bloggers - bloggers who I still follow. Some are holding their newborn babies in their arms right now. Some have babies in the NICU, fighting away and almost ready to come home. Some sadly lost their babies in the early days, and have struggled to keep going. Some, like me, didn't experience success at all that first time - and have continued along the infertility journey.
I will never forget how heartbroken I was when our first IVF failed. It was terrifying to know that even the highest form of assisted conception wasn't able to get us pregnant. They tell you that things very rarely work the first time, but I didn't hear all that. I wanted to believe that the first time would be our time; that our one, lucky surviving 3-day embryo would take & become our baby. Coming to terms with the failed cycle was a reality check. Yes, I'm a believer that things happen for a reason - but that doesn't make the losses or the disappointments any less painful.
Sometimes I wonder about the baby that might have been here now, if things had worked out differently. Would it have been a girl or a boy? Would it be tall and skinny like its daddy, or chubby cheeked like me? Would it have been born yowling at the world, or taking it all in quietly? We'll never know, as it was never meant to be.
For those stopping by from ICLW, we tried another full IVF cycle a few months later - and despite a rocky start, managed to fall pregnant. Not a day goes by that I don't count my blessings that we were able to conceive after two attempts of IVF - especially knowing that there are others still out there who haven't been as lucky as we have. It took us nearly two years to achieve this much-wanted pregnancy, but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things.
This baby, our wee girl, is due to arrive {albeit roughly} in April, just a few months from now. She will have no shortage of love and support and excitement surrounding her birth, and whether she remains an only child or, fates willing, becomes a sibling in the future, she'll complete our little family. She was meant for us. :)

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wherethebleepisourstork said...

Hi there! Happy ICLW! So excited to follow you in your journey to motherhood! Your blog is utterly adorable! I have PCOS and we are thinking about IVF next year if our current treatments don't "pay" off. Wishing you the best!

Michelle said...

Hi from ICLW!

I know exactly what you mean about prior infertility treatments working. If my IUIs had worked in 2010 I would have a 2 year old now. But then I think, my child would not be the little miracle I am pregnant with now....

jAllen said...

Hi from ICLW, these phantom due dates can haunt you. I always took note of what my due dates would be during my Clomid trials. I miscarried lasted month and would have been due in August. I know it will be really hard if I'm still not pregnant at that time. Hoping each day brings you closer to the snuggle you've waited so long for! ICLW#7

Test said...

Hello from ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I frequently think about the "what ifs" of our failed attempts too. I can't wait for you to meet your little one!

Ducky said...

I still do that. If I hadn't miscarried my first he/she would have been over 3 years old now. I wonder if that will ever change, even after I have kids.

ICLW #51 Ducky

Megan said...

Our first IVF (a little over a year ago now) also failed. I thought it'd be so easy - just one try and bam. I think when we first found out about the failure, the shock of it made it so much worse. I wish I'd known that few first cycles are expected to work!

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