Well.. time got away from me as per usual. We're already in the home stretch!
Nursery is done. Car seats are all installed. Christmas presents are done. Now it's just cleaning the house & waiting to see when she makes her big arrival. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE THREE KIDS. OMG.
Baby girl is plugging away in there, being cute and stubborn and bang on average - and I'm feeling surprisingly good! :)
Life is hectic without a lot of rest, but I figured the tiredness I was suffering from was just a result of standard pregnancy stuff - plus the added bonus of chasing the girls around and running everyone to appointments, etc. Turns out my iron levels have tanked and I need to get an infusion done next week. Apparently you feel better a little while afterwards, so I'm curious to see how it affects my energy levels!
We are just a few months away from meeting this little girl and I'm SUPER excited. This time with the girls we already had their nurseries done, and we were pretty organised. This time... well, we're taking it a bit easier - but I'm not wishing the time away. Knowing this is our last pregnancy, I'm trying to savour each kick and wiggle and bump, because I know how much I'll miss it when it's gone. I do love a pregnant belly!
Ah, that point in pregnancy that feels like it took forever to get to - and still that the end result is so far away! 20 weeks and baby is doing well. Our anatomy scan went well last week and everything appears normal. We are measuring bang on for dates and she is wiggling away, even though my anterior placenta means I'm not feeling a great deal. What I DO get is lovely though.
I may be biased, but damn, this kid is a cutie already. Today's ultrasound saw her sucking her thumb and everything - you forget just how much they do even when they're tiny in your belly. How lucky are we?
Whoops! I spring that big news on the blog and then I disappear on you again... baby brain in full force, as per usual. Though if I'm honest, it never really went away - and my big baby is 6 now. (OMG.)
It was a bit of a process to decide whether to go back for a third baby. I had spent the last year working on my health and fitness, and with the help of a gastric sleeve, lost 45 kilograms, getting to the lightest weight I've ever been in my adult life! We also had the 6 frozen embryos sitting on ice from Claire's cycle, so constantly paying storage fees brought up the subject of 'what to do?' every six months or so.
In the end, we came to an agreement. We would use our frozen embryos up, but we wouldn't be doing any more fresh IVF cycles. If they worked, great. If they didn't, well, we have the girls, and we figured it was a sign that we were done.
We didn't tell anyone we were going back to try again - the pressure was on, and honestly... we were just dealing with it in our own way this time. Since these cycles were our last chances, so we kept it quiet and went ahead with preparing for a FET. I went on a HRT cycle similar to last time, with progesterone supplements and regular bloods. We transferred a little embryo on Easter Monday, one of our 4-day embryos that was thawed and grown out into a Blastocyst over night before the transfer. It was a lovely little thing, and the FS and Scientist both looked happy with it. All we could do was wait.
Our NIPT at 11 weeks came back low risk, and that's how we discovered that we were having a third little lady baby - crazy! Once again, I thought it was a boy - wrong 3/3 times! I'm currently 18 weeks along and we have our Morphology scan next week, which I'm a little anxious about - just praying for a nice healthy and happy baby in there.
And that, friends, is where we're at. Welcome back to the crazy ride!!
I still vividly remember our last transfer day. It was hot, and I was nervous. Nervous that the embryo might not have thawed well, nervous about another miscarriage, nervous about starting yet another year off with the potential for disappointment.
I remember how many times the doctor had to attempt the speculum placement. I remember them commenting that the embryo looked lovely. I remember keeping my legs tightly closed the whole drive home; something I've done after every transfer, even though I know it makes not a shred of difference to the outcome.
For anyone who's ever done IVF or who has never fallen pregnant of their own accord, that window after a transfer is magical. It's full of possibility - for a while, even just for a few short days, you're closer to being pregnant than you've ever been before. That shot that most couples get once a month, it's finally yours, after what feels like constant waiting. Those days have a lot riding on them, since it may be several more months before you get that chance again, if you're lucky.
You wait, you pray, you scream at the universe, and you pee on a million sticks. Most times it doesn't work.
But sometimes.. just sometimes, it does.
One year ago today, we 'met' our Claire for the first time. And now, she's here. I can't think of anything more amazing.
Waiting for beta results is just plain torture.
That is all.
Am a nervous, anxious, petrified wreck.
Knock me over with a feather, folks. It appears that - as of today - we are pregnant!
12dpo hcg - 28, progesterone 15
17dpo hcg - 286, progesterone 30.4
The test will be in the doubling, of course - so we'll likely go back on Friday for follow up bloodwork. Breathe, just breathe.
To say I am absolutely petrified about tomorrow's beta blood draw is an understatement.
The pee sticks look okay - but then, they did last time too. It's hard to hope, epecially since they started out so faint this time too. I do have some darkening sticks from the last few days, though. The thing is, my morning sticks are always fainter than the afternoons. It seems to go against every bit of pee stick literature that you can find on the internet... but there it is.
I haven't used any pregnancy tests today. I figure that whatever will be, will be. In 24+ hours, we'll have an answer.
I want this more than I can put into words. To get a chance at carrying another baby, to hope that this one might turn out different. Fifth time lucky, perhaps? Could this be our rainbow, rainbow, rainbow baby?
So yesterday morning, I deemed this cycle a bust. I ripped apart the pregnancy tests, deleted every image from my phone, threw a huge tantrum and rage-cleaned my bathroom. It was a meltdown, and it wasn't pretty. I ended that fit of destruction by lying on G's bed and sobbing my heart out - thankfully, she was at daycare, so I could safely let it all out.
After picking her up later that afternoon, I decided to do ONE more pregnancy test. I wasn't going to, and I was kicking myself as I was doing it, but I did it. And you know, there was a more visible line this time. It's still fairly light for 6dp5dt - or 11dpo - but it was a TONNE better than the morning's ghost.
I promised hubby I wouldn't pee on any FRER sticks today, because he thinks I'll drive myself batty overanalysing a line, or panicking if there isn't enough progression. (Yeah, he's right.)
I didn't promise to not use a digital though. Loopholes, you know.
Well, all my optimism has failed me... and I was doing so well. It looks like this FET is also going to be another early loss.
Yesterday (5dp5dt - or 10dpo) was early to start peeing, but I've had squinters in the past - and surprise! We had a squinter this time too! It's hard to see, but it's there - when hubby can see it, you know you're not imagining things.
I've decided I'm done with stick peeing. I can't handle the disappointment of another early miscarriage every single time I use a pregnancy test. All these losses have just sucked the joy straight out of this process, and it leaves me with dread instead.
Beta is next Tuesday, the 9th. My gut is telling me that little Olaf will have either a) fizzled out by then, or b) be barely hanging in there. So long as this loss doesn't drag out like the last one did, I guess that's that.
I'm really frustrated, you guys. This brings us over 2 years of TTC #2, 3 full IVF stim cycles, 8 transfers, months of endless waiting around - and still no closer to a baby. What do we have to do to get pregnant with a sticky baby? Are we doomed to sit and watch everyone else move ahead without us? Why does this keep happening?
I'm angry at my clinic. I want them to try new things, to throw some steroids at me, to do some more testing, to try and figure out what is going wrong - obviously my body is trying its hardest to get pregnant, but something has to give. Are the remaining 6 frosties we have even worth using? I can't do 6 more cycles, 6+ more months of endless miscarriages or negatives. We want to do whatever it takes to have another baby, but I'm just feeling so broken.
Anyway... if I'm quiet for the next week, you'll know why. No false hopes anymore, just resigned to wait for the week and get the official result from the bloodwork when we get there. This just sucks. :(
Surprisingly, it looked very different to this picture when we saw it on the live screen before transfer. Even though it was tiny, I could see a really clear Inner Cell Mass - whereas on this image, I don't see it clearly at all. I'm assuming that this image was captured a little earlier in the day and that it had continued growing up until the transfer time, which I hope is a good thing.
It was a nice experience, except for the part where my cervix decided to disappear and play hard to get. We had a different doctor this time around doing the transfer who was lovely, and I think I'll request him for future transfers. It took him six (!) attempts with a speculum to get the ball rolling, but he was very gentle and very thorough.... and most of all, very kind.
Come on Olaf, lucky #8! Please stick. Please, please, please. Let this be a magical start to 2016. :)
The ball is rolling for 2016's first transfer.. and I'm a combination of petrified and excited.
My beta levels were 9 on November 10th.
My beta levels were 22 on November 17th.
My beta levels were 25 on November 24th.
My beta levels are currently 17 on December 1st.
Still here. Still no answers. Still nobody making action plans for a d&c or using drugs, because the levels are too low to warrant them... so I have DEMANDED we start Provera and induce another bleed.
There's no time for a December cycle now. In fact, we'll be lucky to get in for a January cycle, since I'd need a baseline cycle after the clinic opens after the break - so in reality, we won't be looking at a transfer until February.
Waiting... my arch nemesis.
Let me refresh your memory of the miscarriage from hell.
My beta levels were 9 on November 10th.
My beta levels were 22 on November 17th.
My beta levels were 25 on November 24th.
Still. Fucking. Pregnant.
Referral is coming for a scan to see whether/where there is retained products of conception (what a lovely term) and whether or not I'll need to do a D&C again, or if I will just be stuck in this endless monotony of waiting around.
I now officially hate everyone and everything and most especially my body, who is utterly useless.
A shitty end to a shitty year. :(
It's one thing to be impatiently waiting for your hcg levels to get back to baseline, so you can keep going. It's another thing to have them go UP again, and freak you right out.
My beta levels were 9 on November 10th.
The bleeding was tailing off at this point, so we decided to wait a full week to let the miscarriage finish, and re-test again.
My beta levels were 22 on November 17th.
WHAT?
I automatically went into panic mode, assuming the worst - this can't be a good thing? The bleeding has been completely gone for almost the full week. I have no cramps, signs, symptoms. Why would it go up?
My first thought is retained products of conception, because the numbers are too low at 22 to be an ectopic. I asked the clinic for their thoughts and they basically said I should wait it out a week and see what happens.
Of course, that doesn't sit well with me... and I will probably spend the next six days with my stomach in knots. I'm scared, you guys. And I'm so, so frustrated. We were supposed to be baseline by now, we were supposed to be moving ahead with one last IVF cycle before the Christmas clinic closures. Instead, we're stuck here, with potentially very bad news, and an extremely slim chance of being able to try again next month.
Why does this keep happening? One thing after the other... it's just ridiculous.
My beta levels were down to 53 on November 2nd.
They dropped to 19 on November 6th.
They're still 9 today on November 10th.
More bloods in a week. I am a human pincushion right now, and not even for a fun reason.
Bloody fucking hell, the universe must really hate us. It just needs to get < 5 for me to start a new cycle, but no, apparently I can't even miscarry a pregnancy properly!
So here we are... still stuck in this limbo. Fun times! Somebody pour me a wine.
Levels have started dropping, so it's time to stop all meds & wait for the inevitable.
Just when I was starting to hope. Another one gone, just like that. How did we get here?
I am just so utterly sad.
Today is 17dp4dt - or 21dpo - or 5 weeks pregnant.
Obviously my numbers don't match up to ANY of those figures, but here we are. Limbo!
I've managed to wrangle my blood test forward a day, so it's tomorrow now instead of Tuesday. We'll hopefully know with a little more clarity, and it's no good dragging things out any longer than we need to.
I feel pregnant. Queasy, off foods, hot flashes, headaches, exhausted. I'm still on all the meds - oestrogen & progesterone - so yes, it's very likely that it's more to do with them than it is my super low hcg hormones.
I'm still peeing on sticks, because it feels like the one thing I can control at this point... and they are tearing my heart out, because they're telling a story that is likely going to be shattered by tomorrow's blood test results.
These results were from Friday and Saturday, and they appear to be darkening. What a tease, right?
Ah, well. Not much else I can do but wait and continue praying for a miracle, even if the odds are slim.
It's not looking good.
This morning I had bloods drawn for my 18dpo doubling hcg test. To improve upon my number from Tuesday, we were aiming for an hcg increase up to 100.
At 18dpo, it was 81. (Progesterone was 30.)
The nurse didn't sound hopeful & told me it looked as though our embryo implanted, but obviously isn't doing well - so by Tuesday, we'll know one way or the other. It's like a cruel joke, isn't it? More waiting, and not the good kind.
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