I thought I knew what it felt like to walk into a hospital pregnant, and walk out NOT pregnant. I thought it happened with a healthy baby in your arms, after a long and mostly uneventful pregnancy. That's all I knew. Today, I did just that - but I didn't bring home our second baby; just an empty spot in my womb and a heavy heart.
The procedure wasn't too bad. The aftermath was really bad. I spent most of the afternoon in recovery, trying to find the right drugs to help with the pain. I'm home now, and ready to sleep and to start healing - physically and emotionally, however long that takes.
This is the last ultrasound I have of our beloved little baby, the one who made me a mummy again. Arms, legs, a perfect little body - just no heartbeat. I'm so grateful to have seen that little heart beating more than once, and to have bonded with this baby for the last 11 weeks. I just wish I could have held them in my arms one day, we both do. Rest in peace, our little blob. We loved you so much and will never, ever forget you.
How far along? Double digits - into week 10, huzzah!
How big is baby? Baby is a prune or a kumquat this week. Squidgy little fruit baby, awww.
How I’m changing? I'm alternating between being really relaxed about this pregnancy, to constantly worrying that something is wrong. Focussing on Georgia helps, as does remembering how lucky we are to be here.
Symptoms? I'm just so bloated. That and an emotional mess. That about sums it up.
Cravings? Still with the juice and with the saos, and potato-stuff. Hot chips & gravy, mmmmm.
Food Aversions? Went a bit funny off home cooked meat this week, so tended to avoid it.
Highlights this week? I turned 30 a few days ago - and I'm really looking forward to my thirties! I have an amazing hubby, cute fur babies, a beautiful little girl, and a tiny little kumquat baby in my belly. Life is good.
The Belly? Ok, I'll be brave & start up the belly shots.
Just remember: haggard tired mama, bloaty tummy. You have been warned!
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How far along? 9 weeks + 1 day pregnant!
How big is baby? This week the baby is growing to the size of a grape or a cocktail olive. Delish!
How I’m changing? I've started having more trouble going to sleep - which is strange, because I'm really tired. I think I'm overthinking things at night, have to start winding down before I attempt sleep.
Symptoms? The queasiness I thought I was going to get stuck with seems to have died down a bit, which is strange. That was very short lived! (Yes, still early, so crossing fingers & hoping I'm not jinxing myself.) Boobs are still massively tender, and I'm really really bloated and full-feeling all the time.
Cravings? Orange juice, saos with vegemite, anything with potato in it!
Food Aversions? Still finding it hard to pinpoint what I WANT, especially at dinner time. It's a bit of a struggle.
Highlights this week? I found the baby's heartbeat using the doppler for the first time yesterday morning! Was the sweetest sound. I had a really full bladder before using it, so I think that helped amplify things. Recorded it so I can listen and calm down during the next few weeks between appointments. I've also booked the NT scan for the 20th August, so I have some dates to count down to.
The Belly? Oh, the stretch marks. I had a fair few develop over the last few weeks of Georgia's pregnancy, and that's fine - I'm not actually worried about them. But they seem like they're getting shiny again, maybe from all the bloating already, so I hope they'll not go too crazy this second time around.
I'm thinking I might start taking weekly shots from 10 weeks, even though it's all bloat/chubby belly right now!
How far along? 8 weeks and 1 day, as of today!
How big is baby? The baby is about 1.7cm long {we saw it on ultrasound this morning!} and is the size of a raspberry or a kidney bean. We're growing! So in love. :)
How I’m changing? I'm bloated up the wazoo & trying really hard to keep calm and carry on.
Symptoms? BOOBS. Sore, sore boobs. Every now & again I get flash pains in my left boob, really bizarre. Cramping. Just odd flashes of queasiness, but nothing drastic. As long as I keep snacks up, it's not too bad.
Cravings? Juice. Orange mainly, or apple/blackcurrant. I also really want chicken nuggets, go figure.
Food Aversions? Eggs, no. No eggs. EVER. Blergh. I'm more in the head space of nothing ever sounding good.
Highlights this week? Seeing the baby again & hearing its heartbeat. Ticking some more days off the calendar!
The Belly? Still frumpy, and still bloated! How about a picture of the baby instead? I look at this shot and see a little wee crab, with pincers on each end {which I hope is a head to the left, leg buds to the right}... meet our little Nipper!
Today I met with my NEW obstetrician for the first time. We decided to go with a new doctor AND a new hospital with this baby, because I still have issues with Georgia's special care stay at the previous hospital, and I'd like to have a completely fresh start with Baby #2's birth and care. This OB is one that was recommended to me by friends & is raved about in the local mum community, and is conveniently located 10 minutes down the road, which is awesome. {Same with the hospital - 10 mins vs 30 mins!}
I left hubby with Georgia, since I didn't want to risk the wrath of a cranky baby in a waiting room - right through her nap time. Happy to say that the whole thing went perfectly. The doctor was amazing, made you feel right at ease. He listened to my previous birth experience, asked lots of questions about IVF and spent at least 45 minutes in the appointment with me. Was really nice to not feel rushed at all. His midwife was also in for the appointment and she seemed very sweet too.
We headed over for a look at the baby - just a tummy ultrasound today, so not an internal for a change. First up, I heard the heart beat - such a sweet little sound. 159bpm, and all good, the most beautiful thing to hear. Baby has grown since last week & I'm measuring 7w4-7w5d depending on the scans he took. I'll probably have an internal at Thursday's ultrasound just to confirm, but looks like a March 4th due date. :)
So in love with this little jellybean!
How far along? Since the dating scan pushed me back two days, Wednesdays are now my 'new week' day. 7 weeks!
How big is baby? The baby is the size of a blueberry. A very, very cute blueberry. :)
How I’m changing? I feel quite calm now, though I'm sure that this will change soon! Body wise, my boobs feel a little bigger {particularly my left one.. weird} & I'm feeling pretty jiggly.
Symptoms? Still with the bloating & cramping - sometimes it makes me stop and think about it, but mostly it's twinges. My boobs feel quite tender now, my left one really pains me every now & again, which is uncomfortable. Had a big head spinning/dizzy moment a few nights ago that left me lying down.
Cravings? I had my calamari fix last week. Not really sure what I'm feeling like at the moment... but I seem to be drinking an awful lot of juice.
Food Aversions? Nothing major, but the idea of reheating a sausage dish for Georgia's dinner the other day was enough to make me feel pretty sick.
Highlights this week? Seeing that heartbeat flicker, and a teeny tiny baby on the screen. I've also confirmed an OB visit for next week, so that should be interesting.
The Belly? Large and in charge - but all belly, no baby yet!
Just a few days to go before the ultrasound. In the meantime, I've been:
- Peeing on sticks daily. Don't worry, they're just el cheapos... and they're still dark!
- Feeling pretty good, with the odd bits of nausea that are mostly fleeting.
- Having some new cravings: apple & blackcurrant juice, and carbs. All carbs. Going off hot teas, which is weird.
- Going to bed super early, usually straight after Georgia goes down for the night. Thankfully, she's been sleeping pretty well too. Phew!
- Worrying, as per usual. The current thing I have on my mind? What if Monday's scan is massively different compared to Georgia's 7 week scan? It's so daunting. Fingers & toes crossed that all is okay.
How far along? My 'new weeks' start on Mondays - so I'm 6 weeks pregnant.
How big is baby? The baby is tiny, as small as a pea, a lentil or a grain of rice this week. Growing slowly!
How I’m changing? I AM SO BLOATED. It's mostly progesterone from the twice-daily pessaries, but I feel like my stomach has already puffed out a great deal. It's a little embarrassing breaking out the stretchy pants before being anywhere near ready to come out to the world! Seriously... my belly looks 20 weeks pregnant already.
What I miss? Absolutely nothing. I am so, so happy. Hoping with everything I have that it continues to go well.
Symptoms? Bloating, cramping, peeing every five minutes. Tender nips, boobs fine. Can sleep at the drop of a hat & am irrationally moody - I go from hot to cold in seconds. My skin has also completely broken out.
Cravings? All I want is crunchy calamari. Seriously - this coming from someone who doesn't eat seafood!
Food Aversions? The smell of hubby cooking scrambled eggs earlier this week was enough to make me feel sick.
Highlights this week? It's another week down! That means there is only 1 more week until that 7 week ultrasound... where we can hopefully get some good news & I can breathe a tiny bit easier. Fingers & toes crossed!
The Belly? No pictures for a while yet, but I am giving it a good cuddle every night before bed. :)
This pregnancy is so eerily similar to Georgia's! In 2012, I got a 3+ weeks reading on the Clearblue Digital pregnancy test at 5+6 weeks. Guess what today is? These pee sticks drive me mad & keep me sane at the same time.
Today, I'm pregnant. That's pretty much all I can say with any certainty; I don't know how it's all going, I don't know what's happening in there... but the pee sticks are still staring at me with double lines & I'm holding on to that.
The last 24 hours have been some of the worst in my life. After speaking to my doctor and receiving the not-so-great follow-up beta results, we were basically expecting the worst. My numbers have always been low to start with, and adding in the fact that they weren't doubling, well, things didn't look great.
I called my fertility clinic in a panicked mess last night, and they told me to come in and have bloods taken this morning. After a sleepless night, I had blood drawn at 6.30am this morning.
The call came this afternoon. My 17dpo bloods are 246 {they were only 145 yesterday} & my progesterone levels are 'through the roof'- meaning the pessaries are doing their job. She told me to relax, that there's no good worrying, that today's number was a good indication that it's rising and it's doing it's thing. She also said NO MORE BLOOD TESTS, so I'm going to go ahead and agree with her on that one.
So, it looks like this now:
14dpo hCG level - 93
16dpo hCG level - 145
17dpo hCG level - 246
| Total hCG Difference: | 153 mlU/ml (164.5%) |
| hCG Doubling Every: | 2 days 3.31 hours (51.31 Hours) |
| 2-Day Increase: | 178 mlU/ml (91.4%) (normal) |
The beta results haven't doubled in 48 hours.
14dpo was 93.
16dpo was 145.
Not looking good so far. Am just completely beside myself. :(
Ah, beta hell. I had my blood taken yesterday, and spent the last 24+ hours freaking out.
My 14dpo came back at 93 - and I'll take another one tomorrow at 16dpo to make sure it's rising appropriately. I'm nervous, but happy. Average is just fine by me, just praying this little jellybean is nice & comfy in there.
I'm having a lot more cramping and bloating than what I remember with Georgia. And the tiredness, OH MY GOD, I forgot about the tiredness. I'm surprised it's hit me as early as it has. It doesn't help that I'm also sick, and up all night with Georgia {who's not sleeping well at all at the moment} but I just want to lie down all day.
Speaking of lying down, the baby is napping... and so shall I... zzzzzzzz.
I'm just going to jump right in again, for old time's sake:
I was sure I was out a few days ago. I felt down, sick as as a dog, and apart from the odd squinty shadow on the internet cheapie pregnancy tests, everything pointed to negative. 9dpo, 10dpo, nothing. I was already getting ready to gear up for starting over. Then, on 11dpo (or 6dpt) I thought I saw a faint pink line.
Hubby had to take it into the light and stare at it from odd angles before he saw it - but it was there. It's gradually gotten stronger, and now we cross our fingers and hope it continues.
If it was any other pregnancy, there is no way I would be announcing it this early - so much can change in these early days - but I can't keep a secret from my beautiful IVF community that I value so much. So, like last time, I'd ask that if any of our real life friends or family members are reading this, please keep it quiet for now & respect our tiny little secret. We have a long way to go yet... but are cautiously over the moon!
1dp5dt - Georgia is sick, so we've been looking after her. We had a lot snuggle time on the lounge with blankies - lovely for her AND for us. Cramping today, thanks to the progesterone pessaries. Have NOT missed them.
2dp5dt - Feeling pretty normal, except for a niggly cough. I've had an odd cramping and pinching feeling, but it weirdly feels like it's my ovaries... what the heck are they doing? They've not had a big role to play this cycle! Silly buggers. Typical that they'd be annoying, they like to mess with my head. I was exhausted last night, went to bed and read a book at 8pm, then snored through most of the night.
3dp5dt - Georgia is still sick, and has shared her cold with me. We started our morning doing laundry, after she coughed so hard, she gagged & puked all over me/our bed, the poor little thing. The progesterone is just gross, as always. I'm so bloated and really warm all the time. Already itching to pee on a stick, although my gut feeling is negative - the blasty wasn't 100%, I have a cold, and I wasn't able to lie down much and chill out on transfer day like I wanted to. Odds are pretty small.
4dp5dt - Whyyyyy did I pee on a stick this morning? stupid, stupid, stupid. That had me staring at it under every different light surface, indoors, outdoors, just to see if I could see anything. I thought I saw a shadow, but it's ridiculously early. Today I'm feeing a little bloated, but this head cold is making me feel shocking.
5dp5dt - Can't get myself out of bed, feel like death. I pee'd on another stick and once again, all I see is white - until I stare at it long enough that I see another shadow. I'm a bit nauseous today, but it's all down to this sickness; can't swallow well, I'm hot/cold and all I want to do is sleep. Being sick in the TWW is just plain mean. I'm still hoping and praying that this will be a lucky cycle, but I would have expected a faint positive by now if it was. All these negatives already... well, not a great omen so far.
On the bright side, Georgia is finally perking up a bit! Hopefully the worst is over for her. :)
This morning we transferred one of our frozen blastocysts, so we're currently 5dpo (or 0dp5dt!) - woohoo!
I'm an impatient person, which doesn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. Lately, I find myself counting down the minutes. The time until Georgia takes a nap, the time until my next fertility appointment. It's easy to wish that time would fly by, because of the waiting, the sadness & the frustration that comes with infertility.
These last few weeks have been hard. Jumping back into the fertility centre experience, this time with a baby in tow. It's bringing back so many feelings of deja-vu, as well as some new ones: apprehension, nerves, tiredness.
I always thought frozen transfers would be easy, but not so far. I'd rate this cycle just as stressful as a full stim cycle, minus the side effects. It may be less drugs and less jabbing, but it's actually been MORE clinic visits, more blood tests, and more paranoia that things aren't working.
I'm taking Letrozole {Femara} to bring on ovulation - but it's not working well. Since CD10, I've been having every-other-day blood tests, and my hormones haven't budged. OPK's and fertility monitor negative, too. Even the Clomid cycle last month seemed to go better than this one has so far.
That said, yesterday's blood test said hormones looked to be rising - so I'm still crossing my fingers for a miracle over the next few days. If/when I ovulate, they'll let me go 5 days past & then transfer one of our day 5 embryos.
All we can do now is wait and see.
The betas are back!
14 dpo hCG level - 25 (eeep!)
17 dpo hCG level - 238 (I'm breathing a tad bit easier now.)
| Total hCG Difference: | 213 mlU/ml (852%) |
| hCG Doubling Every: | 0 days 19.38 hours (19.38 Hours) |
| 2-Day Increase: | 139 mlU/ml (456%) (normal) |
Sure, it may not be on the higher scale for this time frame, but it's pregnant. I'm pregnant! Huzzah! I've got an appointment with my IVF centre on Tuesday morning (when I hit 5 weeks) to pick up another batch of progesterone. At $5/pessary, this is going to cost us a small fortune - but I'll do anything to help make this baby stick around.
And since I'm being all positive and what-not... I'm going to channel all of my hopes into this working.
*Be warned: this blog post contains pee sticks a-plenty.
This past week has been crazy. The TWW went by like any other - but it was a lot more bearable this time around, since it was a 5-day transfer. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold out until August 15th, but I was trying to wait until at least 10dpo before testing. This was the first indication I had that something might have been going on.
I kept peeing, of course. I wanted to see that line get darker and darker. This was 13dpo, getting darker...
... and darker again at 14dpo. Huzzah! This whole pee stick thing is awesome, but kind of addictive. I'm hooked.
I had blood drawn for a beta yesterday afternoon, but won't know my numbers for a few days yet. I'm praying it's exactly where it should be, this early on. This morning's sticks still looked pretty dark though, thank goodness.
Tomorrow, Wednesday, is when I was supposed to hold out until before peeing on a stick. I have to call the clinic and let them know the result, and then wait to see what they say next. It's all very new to us!
If any of our real life friends or family members are reading this, I'd ask that you please keep this information quiet for now. We've got a long way to go, and we're not quite ready to share our news with the whole world yet - the online world is enough for us right now! We appreciate your good wishes & hope you'll respect our tiny little secret. Thanks!
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