Sorry for the radio silence - I've spent my last few days resting and recuperating and am finally starting to feel better. Also... my jeans fit! Huzzah for the bloat going down! :)

I've still not had a post egg-retrieval period/bleed yet, so I'm hanging out for that so that we can consider this cycle officially over. Our previous FS wanted us to do Letrozole afterwards to 'force' a short cycle like we did after our last stim - but all that resulted in was a huge ovarian cyst and months of stuffing around - and I am NOT going down that road again. Instead, I plan on going back on the pill for a cycle to shrink these sore ovaries back down to their normal size and give everything a break.

In the meantime the paperwork has been sent off to our new clinic to get the ball rolling with transferring our embryos between clinics. I'm not entirely sure how long the process takes, so I'm hoping the sooner it's organised, the better.

All in all, I don't have a lot of feelings right now. We're resigned to more waiting (again) and it's so disappointing.. when you want something so badly, or have been trying everything you possibly can try for so long; having it constantly out of your grasp is really challenging. We have Georgia keeping us busy though, so I'm sure the time will fly by.

(Hahahahaha... a girl can dream, right?)

We managed to get 10 eggs at retrieval yesterday, so that was a nice surprise. We were hoping for 6-8, so there must have been some last minute growth over the past few days.

Hubby's part of the bargain went positively yesterday and we were told he had a good sample, so they performed regular IVF and not ICSI. We got a text this morning from the clinic with our day 1 fertilisation results.

So here we are - we've reached the end of another stim cycle that wasn't meant to be. I'm happy to have had good fertilisation, but it's hard to get too excited - we've been here before, and it didn't bring us much luck. That said, it's better than none. 

It's official, this cycle has been another bust.

Last Thursday: E2 was 1015 and P4 was 4.1. (Why did they not tell me?)
Yesterday: E2 was 7900 and P4 was 6.3.

If you can remember back to our last failed fresh cycle and freeze all, the cut off for having a transfer is a progesterone level of less than 5. We're even higher this cycle than last time, despite being assured by our FS that we would likely be 'just fine' this time around. Apparently not.

After finding out that we have to freeze all the embryos retrieved, we went about ensuring that this time around they would grow them all out to day 5, instead of freezing at day 1 like happened last time. We had brought this worry up with our specialist at our appointment a few weeks ago, and were under the impression that yes, it was something we could bring up with the scientists, should the need arise. Imagine our surprise yesterday when we were bluntly informed that no, we would only be allowed to freeze at day 1, as this is clinic policy. No way around it, no changing her, or the clinic's mind. She has completely gone back on her word. Disappointed and frustrated is an understatement. I am LIVID.

We are so upset about this cycle that we talked about cancelling completely before retrieval - just taking the trigger, getting the majority of our money back, and just letting these eggs go. It would save us the heartache of potentially months of agony fighting our current clinic to get to a frozen transfer, and to grow out these embryos - what we were trying to avoid.

We ended up speaking to our new clinic (who we will be switching to for future cycles) and they've encouraged us not to waste these eggs. They've offered us the option of having whatever we retrieve/fertilise/end up having frozen, transferred over to their clinic, so we never have to make use of our current clinic again.

So, we're going with that option. Trigger tonight, retrieve our eggs, and wait to see what happens with fertilisation and freezing. We'll then sign the forms to give permission to send our embryos to our new clinic, take our mandatory rest cycle off, and go from there.

What a shambles, eh?

For now, I'm focusing on one day at a time... devastated to be denied a fresh transfer once again, but at least looking forward to getting these eggs out of me, because I am uncomfortable and ready to be done with IVF #4. I can't believe how these things just keep going from bad to worse, but there has to be a reason for all this, surely.

Today's ultrasound showed some lovely follicles. We're looking at 7 measurable ones for retrieval late this week, which is what we were aiming for - a nice happy medium over 3 and less than 13!

I'm to take the stim drugs again in the morning, trigger tomorrow night & have egg collection Thursday morning.

I was really pleased... until they told me that, once again, my worst fears are coming true: my progesterone levels taken last week were already 4.1, so there is a very likely chance that this cycle is going to be another freeze all.

I just don't understand why this keeps happening?

We're now waiting on a phone call later this afternoon to confirm what the progesterone has done during this morning's blood test - but once again, I am totally devastated. I was so looking forward to a fresh transfer, and I was feeling a lot more positive about starting again and having a real shot at this.

I had my first bloods taken yesterday, where they presumably check on the E2 and P4 levels, and haven't heard anything since - which means carry on as per normal. They wouldn't normally ring unless something was wrong, so I'm hopeful that means that things are progressing at a steady pace. That's what we want: not too fast, and not too slow. Fingers crossed.

There's something about getting started on a new cycle that brings about a whole lot of clarity. I always feel more positive and less cynical, and a tiny flutter of hope stirs in my too-often jaded heart.

I think it's partially because we are doing something, and moving forward - because waiting around and having no shot at getting pregnant is agony! I also think it's because it's a fresh try... no disappointments yet, no expectations - just fresh hope that we might just have a bit more luck this time around.

Lately I've been remembering back to when we first started trying for a baby - before the infertility meds, before the IVF, before any of that - just us, some charting & some Metformin for my wonky cycles. Those first few months were full of excitement, followed by frustration, followed by sadness and insecurity about what our future would look like. Watching people fall pregnant around us, even those that we didn't know personally, while we were still waiting. Watching those pregnancies turn into newborns, while we were still waiting. Watching those newborns grow up into beautiful little cherubs, and watching those parents grow their family even further with a new pregnancy, while we were still waiting. Those were some of the hardest moments, when we swallowed our disappointment, shed many tears, and held out hope that we would get there in the end, someday, somehow.

We're at about that timeframe again now, while trying for #2. The ones around us who were trying for another baby have either had that baby, are due for that baby any minute now, or are enjoying pregnancies - while we are still waiting. Does it make them lucky? Of course it does! Does it make us unlucky? I suppose so.

I've been so desperately searching for an answer to why we were dealt these cards again, why we've had so much thrown at us in the last few years... and I automatically assume that we're cursed, that we're unlucky, that we've done something to 'deserve' being the ones always left behind. But what I'm finally learning, after all these years & all these emotions, is that other people's luck doesn't have any influence on our luck. That's all it is, after all: luck.

Don't get me wrong - we have been unlucky. We have strugged, and we're continuing to struggle. Who knows, we might continue to struggle for the months to come; there are no guarantees here.

But we ARE lucky. We have each other, for all of our good and our bad. We have Georgia, who was worth every minute and every tear shed and every dollar spent. We have support systems who 'get' us, who cut us some slack during the tough times, and who forgive us when the emotions get the better of us. We live in a country where IVF is available to us, where we can try again - like we're doing now. We are lucky.

And maybe, just maybe, we'll GET lucky this cycle! :)

I started jabbing with Gonal-F yesterday - surprise!

We are doing the same protocol as last time, an antagonist or short cycle. That means I start injecting the Gonal-F for a few days, then add in the Orgalutran to ensure I don't ovulate - and we will adjust as we go. My first blood test is in a week to monitor my response - particularly my pesky raised progesterone. My fertility specialist has slightly reduced my dose of Gonal-F this month (from 200, to 187.5) to try and settle things down during the stimming process, so we'll see what happens.

I'm hopeful that this new round might give us a better shot. They always say it takes a few cycles to figure out a good response.

With my first long/down-reg IVF cycles in 2012 it took two rounds before we got a blastocyst good enough to transfer - and that was Georgia. Maybe it'll take two rounds of this antagonist protocol before we hit the jackpot. It's all such a gamble.

Please let me get in a fresh, 5-day transfer in this cycle. Pretty please with a cherry on top!

This morning's appointment totally floored me. You might recall that we've been researching and trying to decide between sticking with our current clinic, or trialling a new clinic for our next fresh stim cycle. We've had appointments with both, and were waiting on their protocol information before we made a decision. Turns out that both specialists have recommended the exact same protocol... a short antagonist cycle, exactly the same dose of Puregon (187.5-200 with plenty of monitoring of progesterone levels) and additional progesterone support post-transfer.

We have our WTF (post-IVF fail) appointment with our fertility specialist this coming Friday. I had initially scheduled it a few weeks ago for during our TWW, so that we could move straight on to a new cycle without too much waiting. Unfortunately, they had to reschedule the appointment - and so, here we are, now wasting yet another month. Frustrated is an understatement, let me tell you.

Since we've had absolutely no luck in the past few cycles, we talked about trying somewhere new - maybe getting a fresh set of eyes to look over our history and give us an idea of what is going wrong. We had an initial consultation with a new clinic, which is a bit more expensive than our current one.. and we're waiting on them to get back to us with a potential protocol for us. Once we have that, and we talk to our current specialist this week, we'll weigh up between the two and decide what to do.

In the meantime, I've had my day 3 bloodwork done for both clinics (nothing like a double whammy of tests, right?) and hubby's done his as well - plus his, er, contribution, to check on how the little guys are going. I'm going back on birth control too, so we can at least control this 'wait' cycle a little bit, since if I go medication free, chances are I won't get another period in 2015. (I wish I was kidding.)

I've also upped my supplements, to see if it helps with my egg quality & crazy hormones. In my daily routine right now, not including the birth control pill, is Metformin, Elevit prenatals, Vitamin D, Megafol, low dose aspirin, Inositol & coQ-10.*