Here we are - a new year, a new decade (hello to my 40's!) and a new mindset! :) 

I'm still plugging away as a FitAzFk ambassador - and it's been such a game changer for me over the years. I'm not into quick fixes, and I'm here for the long haul. 

One of my goals back at the beginning of this year was to read more.

I barely had time to pick up a book at ALL last year, what with the newborn days and Georgia growing up so fast... so I picked a goal of 6 books for the year. I figured that gave me plenty of time for me to get back into the habit again.

So far I'm at 26 books. :)

I've well and truly smashed my goal, and it's only October! Let's face it, I've had plenty of time up my sleeve lately.

I'm pretty proud of my efforts... especially since I completed fairly lengthy books in there. I've read all of the Game of Thrones novels, and they aren't especially short. I've also started re-reading the Outlander series, since they're close to my heart.

I still don't have a lot of time to read during the day, since Georgia keeps me busy. But every night after she goes to bed, I go up early myself & read. I also finally joined a library, which I'd just never gotten around to doing before. Having that 'me time' has been a good way to tune out when things get tough.

Have you guys got any good recommendations for me?

As you can see from some of those titles, my reading tastes are REALLY varied. My favourite kind of books are the ones that suck you in from the get go. :)

We're almost a quarter of the way through 2014 already, can you believe it? I thought I might take the time to update on how things are going around these parts, because I'm feeling pretty darned great about this year.

• Georgia ~ I've been taking lots of pictures, and watching her growing up from a wee baby into this cute little toddler. In the last few weeks, she seems to have shot up again - her face has changed, she's lost a lot of her chunky baby thighs (sniff) -- growing too fast. She's been through the wars with some more teething & a cold, and we've been starting to wean; meaning we've had a clingy, sad wee one for a while. Thankfully we're coming out the other side, and that trademark cheeky grin has come out again. :)

• Read ~ I'm currently reading 'Twelve Years a Slave', which is book #5 of the year so far. I've also just purchased all of the 'Game of Thrones' novels as a bundle for $20 - so I have a LOT of epic reads ahead of me. I've read the first two, but I keep getting distracted...
  
• Move ~ I have consistently exercised every Monday/Wednesday/Friday since January 1st, with no excuses. Mostly runs, but sometimes workout DVDs and/or walks. I'm down almost 7kg and feeling really good, running 5km stretches now.
  
• Cook ~ I'm really proud of how much I've cooked so far this year. We haven't spent a lot on eating out at all, apart from the odd Thai food meal with friends. And, best of all, I'm lucky enough to be getting a shiny new cooking device for my 30th, which will help to REALLY spice things up in the kitchen.
  
• TTC ~ Watch this space; not a great deal of things to report here yet, but we're working on it!

I've been lucky that hubby has been working from home. It's let me have this running time without having to worry that Georgia is asleep, or awake, or cranky - he usually feeds her breakfast & lets her have playtime on the floor. I never would have thought I'd choose exercise as my 'me-time' activity of choice, but I'll take it!

How have you been making time for yourself so far this year?

Instead, I'm going for hopes & dreams.  Hopes and dreams are guilt-free. I'll just take them as they come. :)

• Georgia ~ I don't want to miss a thing. Yes, that means obscene amounts of photographs, but I make no apologies for wanting to capture every minute! She's coming up to some major milestones soon, and I can't wait to see her growing up.
  
  
• Family ~ Spend as much time with them as possible. Everyone has really come together this year, and I love it. Hubby & I have a few date nights planned, so we'll get to spend some quality time together. Plus, the grandparents might just find themselves on babysitting duty - so it's a win/win for everyone!
  
  
• Blog ~ Post more frequently! I've definitely slacked off this year, and mostly have written about Georgia {of course!} so the plan is to just keep busy. I'm hoping to get involved in monthly projects or prompts every now and again, potentially starting off with #weVerb14.
  
  
• Read ~ I have at least a dozen books I want to read on my Kindle - it's just finding the time to sit down and get on with them! This year, I'm going to set a goal of at least 6 books. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I barely read a thing last year, and I'm trying to be realistic about what I can start and finish.
  
  
• Move ~ I'd like to start up on my treadmill again. I'm not even going to pretend that joining a gym is viable for me right now, but the treadmill is in the garage - it's set up, it's ready to go. All I need to do is get some tunes on my iPod, drag a fan in & DO IT. Hopefully Georgia will keep to her two nap schedule {she's doing really well at the moment!} and I can get on this every few days.
  
  
• Organise ~ I have a tonne of baby clothes to sort/store/give away, and the house is a complete mess more often than not. This year I'd like to start tackling things, bit by bit. I've already started printing out photos of Georgia's first year - I decided a while back that I'd like old school prints/photo albums until her first birthday. I'm up to month 6... so I'll tackle the next block soon.
  
  
• Cook ~ Doesn't worry me if they're old favourites or new experiments, but the goal is to keep saving money & cook up a storm this year. If not a storm, maybe just a drizzle. But cooking, all the same. :)
  
  
• TTC ~ Georgia is coming up to her first birthday in just a few months {how did that happen?} so it's natural to start thinking about what happens next. Hopefully we can tackle this & come up with a plan that fits us both, since natural babymakin' just isn't on the cards for us - but this is certainly a hope and a dream. I can think of nothing more awesome than a sibling for Georgia.

This is an ongoing battle for me - catch up on the journey so far by visiting these links:

Operation Healthy: One Month In
Operation Healthy: Two Months In

It's nice to be eating real food again. Since I'm basically the world's fussiest eater, I knew that eating pre-prepared meals for two months straight would be a stretch. In truth, I made it through probably half that time before starting to dread the thought of eating another one ever again. Aside from a few granola packs that I'm finishing off, I'm back to my usual diet now, and loving it! It's so empowering to be able to pick and choose everything that I fancy eating, provided it's within a reasonable portion.

Writing that out above still makes me feel a bit embarrassed. It's the basic mantra we all know about a healthy diet - everything in motivation. Yeah, I'm just catching on to that now. But better late than never, right?

This month, we've had a lot of visitors. I have thoroughly enjoyed running a bed and breakfast type home-stay for everyone who's been passing through, it's been great - but it's also so much hard work. The constant cleaning, organising your day around other people's schedules, planning meals in advance wherever possible and eating out way more than usual, well, it completely threw my routines out the window. But I tried to pick decent meal choices, I kept up my gym visits and I jumped back on the bandwagon as soon as I felt wobbly.

For the first time, I noticed that quite a few of my clothes are fitting differently. I'd noticed it in a pair of jeans last month, but that was just a one-off, so I didn't think anything of it. While trying to pack for Europe, I pulled out some of my clothing from last winter, and it's definitely looser. Unfortunately I'm somewhere between my clothes looking a bit big, but not quite being a smaller size yet. The conundrum of baggy clothing vs muffin-top? I can't win!

As I expected, and similar to last month, the weight loss slowed down again, but it's still a loss, which I'm grateful for. I'm down four pounds this month, which brings my total weight loss to twenty-seven pounds.

I weighed in early, too. We sold our treadmill and our television set in anticipation of the move, and with that gone, so goes my weighing in - I use the Wii fit to track my weight loss. So four pounds in three weeks, well, I'm just fine with that! (Plus, that means my weekend in Paris didn't result in any crazy gains, even after enjoying some beautiful, beautiful food.) Anywho, I didn't quite get to 190lbs or 85kg goals I had set myself, but I'm oh so close. I'm hoping I'll manage to hit those goals while travelling, but who knows how that will turn out.. it'll be a secret.

I won't be weighing in again, or likely even talking about weight loss for a while now. It will be interesting to see how the numbers look, and how I look after the time spent travelling - I guess we'll find out on the other side soon enough!

This is an ongoing battle for me - catch up on the journey so far by clicking here:

Operation Healthy: One Month In

The first month in to a lifestyle change generally brings with it the best results. Your body adjusts to the changes that you make and things like water retention and portion reduction really does result in a big change to the numbers on the scale. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing - not at all! In fact, motivationally speaking, it's the best thing that could happen; results make you want to keep going, keep pushing ahead. During my first month of focusing on me, my relationship to food, and my portion sizes in particular, I managed to lose fourteen pounds.

Those bigger numbers were a good step in the right direction for me. I really do think that becoming more aware of the size of my meals was my 'lightbulb' moment when it came to losing weight my own way. And as well as that, I learned that I actually wasn't eating enough calories throughout the day, especially when I was exercising so regularly. That too could've resulted in the previous months of being frustrated by my efforts and lack of results.

This month, I've plodded on along. I'm still following the food program, but only to use up the remainder of pouches I have in our pantry - I've cancelled the subscription and plan on doing it on my own from here-on in. I've got myself into a good routine for breakfasts and lunches, and while I'm back at eating my own creations for dinner, I'm keeping an eye on what I'm eating and how much is actually need versus want. I know that's common sense for most people, but I'm someone who has always, always just kept eating. If it was there, I would snack on it. Now, I think I'm learning to know better and I feel much happier about it too. I've also managed to keep things under control while we've had visitors staying with us and while we've been out for lots of dinners and events, which is brilliant.

The weight loss has slowed down this second month, but the important thing is that it's continued going in the right direction. I'm down another nine pounds this month, which brings my total weight loss to twenty-three pounds.

I'm obviously happy with the weight loss, but I still have a very long way to go yet. This month was good in terms of milestones, as I hit the 200lb mark as well as the 90kg mark - both of these are 'magic' numbers for me, and it's nice to achieve those goals. I'll be taking baby steps from now on and aiming for smaller goals at a time to make it more manageable and to seem less daunting. Next step: 190lbs & 85kg. I'm continuing to randomly blog through the journey, so head over there if you're interested in the smaller details.

I can't wait to see what the next month brings - it's my last full month in the UK, as my crazy travels will begin shortly after that, meaning I'll have to combat weight loss on the move. I'm nervous but looking forward to that at the same time. Hopefully my portion control will help me enjoy food on the go, without going overboard.

Since July is long gone (well, four days gone..) that means that I've officially been on my healthy living plan now for four weeks; more than enough time to write in and share how things are going with it so far.

Let's start with the positives: in four weeks, I'm down  fourteen pounds. I'm pleased with that; despite only losing a measly 1-pound in the last week itself. It's a pretty consistent loss when you work out the average of around 3-pounds per week. I've become a lot more aware of my portion sizes; particularly with innocent meals like cereals and dinners - I was going completely overboard and not even realising, since that was "normal" for me. Now, I'm starting to find myself fuller for longer & I'm never really going without, which is important to me.

Another positive is that I'm being a lot more conscious of eating enough food. While I was busy spending May and June working out rigorously, I wasn't losing any weight. Looking back, I think it was because I was eating my meals all wrong, with big portions at set times each day and not many snacks in between. I'm now eating more - but smaller sizes and at random times throughout the day. I'm eating a lot more fruit, and finding good things to snack on that will keep me within my calorie "goal" (I hate the word "limit") each day. I downloaded an iPhone app called Lose It, and while it took a bit of time initially plugging in most of my regular meals, it's super easy to use now.

But of course, there are always downsides to a weight loss journey - if it was a quick and easy fix, I'd already be at my ideal weight and size. The most common gripe I have is about ME and how I carry my weight: because that fourteen pounds lost has not made the slightest bit of difference to my figure. Please don't think I'm complaining about how much I've lost because I know that fourteen pounds is great and I'm mighty pleased with myself, but honestly - where has it gone from? It's so hard not to be disheartened when you look in the mirror and see no progress, despite the numbers finally starting to budge on the scale. Progress is everything to me. I like to see results. I like to know that the effort I'm putting in is noticeable to others, but more importantly, to myself.

I'm a pretty critical judge.

Part of this intense need to really see results stems from my impatience; yet another thing I struggle with. I have a long way to go on this journey; let's face it, with the amount of weight I need to lose, fourteen pounds is a very small percentage of the whole picture. Mentally, I need to make sure I'm 100% focused on this as a long-term thing - I've learned from failed past attempts that it's all too easy for me to go from being a little wobbly with my commitment, to eventually toppling off the bandwagon in a spectacular fashion.

I had a moment this morning where I felt utterly dejected after reading that 1-pound loss; where I felt like this was ridiculous and that I was once again wasting my time and energy into something that just isn't going to happen for me. I just felt awful, like a big, fat lump. I sat down on the floor in my underwear and thought about raiding the cupboards to make the worst possible food I could come up with. I thought about the fact that I had eaten out twice this week for my birthday - naughty Thai food, apple pie with ice cream and wood fire pizza, and figured hey, that explains it you silly girl, get off the floor and start over.

But then I got angry. Really, really angry. So angry that I would have punched something, except that there was nothing here to punch. Why? Because I'm bitter. I'm jealous and I'm bitter. I ate two small meals this week that were what I would consider a splurge, and my weight loss stalled because of it: yet why are there people out there who can eat terribly every day, drink cans of coke every day, not work out at all - and can not gain a pound.

Why is this such a hard journey for me? What did I do to deserve always being large? WHY? It's not fair.

I'm over that now. I got up and I moved on, and I indulged in a small portion of cocoa & granola with milk for breakfast. But you know, deep down, I am still all of those things. I am sad. I am angry. I am bitter. I am jealous. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think that anyone can empathise unless they have been fat themselves. And I'm not talking a few pounds over their 'skinny' weight. I'm talking about people who are well over a healthy weight range, who have a lot of weight to lose, and who have probably (like me) been heavy their entire life. I don't know if these feelings will change as this journey progresses; I hope they do.

But to end on a positive and to summarise: four weeks down, fourteen pounds lost.

I have this horrible fear that being vocal about my weight loss journey and having support from Jase is fantastic - but that I'm going to let everyone down if things stop working, or if my size doesn't change after all this. If there's one thing I can't bear the thought of, it's disappointing people.

So here's to the next four weeks, I hope you'll stick through this with me - no matter what the final outcome is.

I've been having quite a few introspective moments lately - I've been focusing so much on ME, ME, ME these days.

I think that I'm a nice person. Or at least, I'd like to think of myself as a nice person. I'm friendly, I'm polite and I have manners. I may be a little bit introverted and I used to be horrifically shy, but I'm a good person underneath all of that. If you fell over, I would help you up. If your leggings were tucked up in your skirt and you were flashing your knickers to the world, I would pull you aside and tell you, even if you were a strangers. When I read stories about people doing awful things, I can't even comprehend it. What can I say - I like being a nice person.

But am I? There are events that have happened in the past that have made me question this part of myself. One falling out with a friend comes to mind, one that happened a few years back while we were travelling together. I thought I was being a nice person and I thought I was being supportive, but in the end it wasn't enough and the relationship ended around the same time as the holiday did. Was that my fault? Was I to blame for the turn of events that changed that friendship? I can absolutely say yes - at least in part. But isn't admitting faults a good thing? And does that mean that I'm not a nice person? If you asked this friend, I'm sure she would agree with that statement. And who decides what nice is, anyway?

I think that I'm a good listener. I've always been a person that others turn to when they need to vent or need advice. I think my quieter nature helped me in this field and it's also why I chose to study first psychology and secondly teaching at university. I volunteered as an online counsellor for teens when I was fifteen, and I still wonder if it's something which I should pursue again when I grow up. I may not have all the answers, but I can certainly give you my attention, if you need it. I think that I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to knowing when someone needs a chance to talk. Or just sit and be silent. Or be distracted with randomness until the time is right. I take things to heart and I over-think events more than I should, but it's mainly because I care about what happens to that person, and I want to do the right thing by them.

But am I? I try hard to be there for people when they need me, but I'll admit that I can be selfish. Sometimes I want to be the one that others listen to. One of my pet hates is when people tune out to what you are saying midway through the conversation - and turn it about themselves. It's one of the reasons why I find it hard to open up to people straight away in person, though it's often easier to offload here. But haven't I been guilty of doing that in conversation? Being overseas and away from my family and friends is bittersweet, because as much as you try, there are things you can't pick up on from a thousand miles away. I feel like I've let people down and have missed out on important life events, simply by being away for so long.

I think that I'm a good companion. I don't have a giant circle of friends; in fact, I could probably list my real friends on one hand. I have my moments where I'm more than a little irritating or less-than-fun to be around, like we all do, but once you're a friend of mine? I'll support you for life. I think a good friend is worth fighting for. I'm the kind of person who would take one good friend over a roomful of faces - because I want people around me that will be in it for the long haul. And that's the kind of friend that I want to be. I want to be a friend who knows everything about you, someone who your other friends & family members like. I try so hard to remember things like birthdays and special occasions, and I like to spoil people with gifts or words or appropriate musical lyrics.

But am I? Is there a reason why I've never been a member of a crowd? All my life, even when I was in high school, this never happened with me - and while it could be looked at as a positive thing, it could also be the opposite. I even notice it here, in the blog world. Over the past few years, my blog has gifted me with several strong online friendships that I treasure, but blogging now? It's different. There are new cliques forming everywhere I look, and it's difficult to break into them, as hard as you try. I tend to put my all into relationships, and because of this, I tend to be the one who becomes more attached. As such, I can sometimes be walked over by others - whether on purpose, or through unintentional means. I have tried so hard not to let others disappoint me, but it happens more than I'd like to admit. I wonder if this is because subconsciously I'm trying to make more friends, but it's just not working for me? Luckily, the boy is the same - he's always been a bit of an individual when it comes to friends, just like me. For the most part, it's a good thing. But sometimes, like when you're putting together a mock wedding guest list, it can be really upsetting to see just how few people have put in the time with YOU, even enough to warrant them an invitation to the most important day of your life. Maybe I'm not as good a companion as I think I am.

If you've made it down here, I salute you - this post rambled on for longer than I expected it to. Sometimes the whole soul searching thing can bring about more questions than it does answers.

I miss teaching.

There, I've said it. Teaching. I miss it.

Before this little adventure abroad, I taught in Western Sydney for two years as a newly qualified teacher. They were two years at a great and supportive little school that showed me the ropes and made me feel completely comfortable with myself in that role. Some days were rewarding and some days were more challenging than I can remember but even still, they were two fantastic years.

When J & I discussed moving to the UK, I knew my time at that school would be coming to an end, but I was excited to be doing something I never dreamed I'd actually do - to uproot myself from my comfortable routine and to live overseas!

After a telephone interview lined up by a recruitment agency, I was offered the first job I applied for. A Year 3 class quite a way out of London in an average, run of the mill primary school. I stayed confident. I was excited. I left my lovely little classroom (with its decorated walls and labelled book trays) and said goodbye to the staff I'd grown to know and respect, and I stepped off the plane at Heathrow ready to throw myself into the teaching world over here.

I got a rude shock that day.

Needless to say, I didn't go back. I did casual supply teaching in a few different schools before landing in a nice block, covering relief across the school, but it didn't feel right. After a few short months, I was looking into other options in education - and soon found my current role. Now I'm on the other side of the desk, working in the education field but in recruitment. After a while, I was offered a different role, acting as a coordinator for newly arrived international teachers.

I work with teachers every day. They are teachers who are quite literally mirroring my exact journey over two years ago. They've come from Australia, or New Zealand, or Canada. They're probably more than a little terrified. They either have jobs lined up for them in schools, or they're relying on casual work to get them through. I support them, I help them transition into a whole new environment - from the minute they step off the plane and get acclimatized into the UK, to their first steps into the classroom over here. I've helped primary teachers. I've helped secondary teachers. I've helped preschool & nursery teachers. I've helped teaching assistants.

But at the end of the day, I'm working for the man (every night and day!*)

I'm not in that classroom myself. I don't have a class full of kidlets to call my own, to be with every day - the good ones and the horrendously bad ones. I don't have the work to take home with me, or the planning, the crazy amount of planning to do in the holidays. I don't have the organisation, of setting goals each term and assessing against those goals.

I just feel like I'm missing something. I'm not saying I'm an amazing teacher. I'm certainly not the most experienced teacher, and I never even had a permanent job - so I have nothing to fall back on. At the very least, I'm an out of practice teacher thanks to my time here in London. But I loved what I could do in the classroom and I loved seeing what my kidlets could do, and I kind of want that back.

I don't know.

I don't know how I'm going to get what I want. It's not the right time or place, or heck, even the right country, to be thinking about this. All I know is that the quarter life crisis I thought I'd averted? May still be looming in the distance.

*I couldn't resist a little bit of Proud Mary. It soothes the soul.

So with the New Year already blasted into being in most parts of the Southern Hemisphere, and with only a few hours until we celebrate* here in London, it's time to look ahead to the future. Mainly for myself, but also to share with anyone who is still here reading the ramblings - you can be my conscience!

Without further ado, here are my resolutions epic plans for 2010.

Blog

I've definitely let my blogging slide this year, which is a bit disappointing. To go from being a daily blogger for a number of years with quite a few followers and blog friends - to the occasional post when I remember, is incredibly slack. I'm not saying that I'll be returning to blogging daily next year, because, let's face it, I won't be but I will be more regular. That's a promise.

2010 will also likely see me return to my old wordpress account, as I just can't justify the money involved in self hosting at the moment. And seeing as I'll be saving for other things (... see below!) I think it's a sacrifice that makes sense. It won't be any time soon, but when my hosting is up for renewal, I'll let you know so you can adjust your feeds once more.

And lastly, I will definitely be making more an effort to get back into commenting this year. I've turned into a super lurker - I have a habit of letting my blogreader get the better of me, and then end up reading without chatting, which I hate doing. If you haven't heard from me in a while, I hope that will change soon.

Travel

Work has been the big priority for both Jase and I last year, and having Oscar has made it trickier to drop everything and go! This year, there are a few things in the works - and while it involves quite a lot of cash and forward planning, it potentially covers quite a few countries I've been meaning to visit in the last few years.

High hopes at the moment are to head back to Europe, maybe a little more of Scandinavia, revisiting Scotland, checking out Ireland/Wales and maybe even popping across to Canada, if we're lucky. I already have a two week visit back to Sydney, Australia, booked and paid off for April, so that's a start. I'm so excited!

Health

It's pretty cliche, but I'm determined to get on with it this year. I've ended up at around the same weight, if not a little squishier, than this time last year. I wish I had something to blame it on that would justify that, but unfortunately I don't. It's just laziness. I joined a great gym, have been involved in some great classes that I do pretty regularly on a weekly basis (Aqua & Spin!) but I just haven't had the drive.

Seeing as the goal for setting a wedding date is going to likely be in 2011, that leaves me with a whole year to get myself into shape. No, it's not just for the future wedding, but that's as good as an incentive as any to get my arse into gear and shed what I need to shed. Before I moved to the UK I lost a good deal of weight by recording what I was eating and starting a running program, though I developed pretty severe shin splints in the process that still haunt me now.

This time around, I'll do the food journals mixed with other regular exercise at my gym, and stick with it. That's the goal. I'm not going to count calories, per say, although I may end up doing that if it becomes a habit. And I'm not going to set up any extreme exercise goals, because I'll just set myself up to fail and give up (again). Instead, I want to aim for 2-3 times a week at the gym, supplemented with whatever else I feel like doing after that. The most important thing that I've learned about myself is the ability to self sabotage my efforts. This year, if I have an off day, I intend to just write it all down (yes, all of it!) and keep chugging along.

Of course, it's always positive to have something to work towards - so I have my own little personal achievement I want to hit. The first is to have some progress by April, which is when I'm heading home to Sydney. Thanks to our new Wii Fit, I have a rough idea of my weight & (dreadful) BMI, so I'll be using this to keep a track. I don't have a set number or figure. I just want to see a difference from the beginning. Pretty broad goal, I know, but that's what I'm starting with.

Read

I'm a big reader at the best of times, but in the latter part of 2009, I found myself flying through books at a crazy pace! To combat this, my new favourite resource are Oxfam, Hospice & Charity Stores, where I can rehome secondhand books at a fraction of the price - and can then give them a new home once I'm done.

This year, I really want to keep on reading at that frantic pace. I have at least a dozen unread books sitting on my bookshelf ready and raring to go, as well as a few old faithful's (why hello, Harry Potter) that I'm itching to start over with. Can't wait!

This will be my last blog post for 2009. I hope there will be many more to come!

*celebrate = try to stay awake until midnight, but will most likely fail.

It appears that I've gotten myself into a bit of a rut.

Don't get me wrong, life is grand - I'm still walking around in a post-engagement bubble, wishing we had more people here to share it with. Home is great, Oscar is a delight as always, and I am grateful for all the things I have. Lately though, and partially because of all the aforementioned things, I have become quite lazy.

The summer always drains me. I don't like the heat, and after a day at work and a stifling tube & bus ride home, the last thing I feel like doing is dragging myself to the gym. I have been doing my Aqua classes fairly regularly (and loving them, I might add!) but I still can't shake the idea of the gym being a chore. I really, really do want it to be something that I don't dread going to.

With tomorrow bringing about the start of Autumn here in London, I've decided that will be the day to get out of my rut. I'm starting off the month with our annual company staff-day, so that should focus me career-wise, and beginning the following day? I'm all about the healthy. I'm determined to start loving the gym, whether my body likes it or not.

And speaking of the body, well, that certainly needs some loving too. (Not that way, you perves.) The figure which I literally worked my ass off to get before I moved here, has long since disappeared. Sure, I could blame the dreaded Heathrow Injection, but in all fairness? It's the laziness. Back then, I was running every day, and I managed to shrink in size - my clothing size didn't change, but my shape sure did.

I want to get back to that mindset. I have a gym that is a mere five minute's walk away from my house. I have a pair of trainers, I have some daggy tracksuit pants ready to go. I even have the membership, a fully paid membership that I intend on making the most out of. All that's left is making my gym visits more of a routine, and one that lets me start seeing results.

Besides, what better way to make use of a decidedly long and still-unknown engagement period, then to lose a stack of weight? The healthy. We're getting back on track.

I've recently discovered that I'm an 'all or nothing' kind of person. I'm either completely one thing, or I'm completely something else. The 'somewhere in between' sentiments have disappeared, and now I seem to be much quicker at jumping to conclusions and deciding what I am. Let me give you some examples:

I'm really, really cold.
OR
I'm so hot, that I'm sweating up a storm.

I can be optimistic and really look forward to things, even months or years away.
OR
I can be disappointed easily, and start wallowing in the negatives all too easily.

I'm motivated, dedicated, know what I want and know what I have to do. And do it.
OR
I'm not in the mood. And probably won't be tomorrow. Or this whole week. Sorry.

I'm happy and content.
OR
I'm mopey and whingy. (You all knew that was coming, yes?)

I don't know which is worse; being 'all or nothing' or being 'somewhere in between'. Each has its downfall. The extremes are, well, extreme - and I never did cope well with being in the middle, seemingly goal-less and floating along without any certainty.

I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Which category do you fall into today?

Dear Body,

I refuse to make this post a whinging rant about you. Sure, it would be nice to pass the blame and talk about how miserable you make me, but that is not what this is about. I could talk about my multitude of flaws, but it's not about that either.

When push comes to shove, I just want to be comfortable in you, I really do. I don't want to have to hide you, or feel paranoid in public. I don't want to flinch when my other half looks at me, or have him disappointed in me because I'm not what I'm supposed to be, whatever that is. I don't want to feel like this forever.

I'm sorry that I compare you to other people, because it's really not fair. You are different, you don't fall into a particular size or shape category. How is it possibly healthy for me to walk into a room and automatically assess if I'm going to be the largest person there.. again, and yet I continue to do so. Why do I do this? What is it achieving? What is that doing for me, or for you? It's any wonder I can't be happy, with all the negativity that is going on in my own mind.

If I'm being blatantly honest, the thought of our relationship in the future frightens me. If I can't be comfortable in my own skin at twenty-three, how is it going to be in another five, ten, twenty years? I should be spending my twenties enjoying myself, getting out and about without worrying about body image, but I'm not. I'm unhappy. I treat you badly, I know I treat you badly, and yet I continue in the path of self destruction.

So what is the next step? How do I get to the stage where I can wake up in the morning and be? How do I get to the stage where I am simply thankful that you are functioning and mostly healthy? How do I end this ridiculous cycle of events?

I guess it all comes down to looking after you better - because I'm not looking after you.

I can already hear my inner cynicist retaliating at that statement:

What? But what about all of those days I spent exercising? And eating well? And obsessing over calories? What about those thirteen kilograms I lost last year? What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm never going to be a thin person. Never!

Valid questions, sure. But the logical part of me has rebuttals ready to go:

And what happened after you hurt your leg? You went from exercising daily, to not exercising at all. You slacked off. You pretended you could get away with relaxing, that you were maintaining, that you were happy. You turned a blind eye when your jeans got tighter, when you realised you were gaining weight again. You tested the waters, you got comfortable. Denial - it's not only a river in Egypt, love.

Damned if my logical mind isn't correct. I've let myself go. That's not to say I'm stuffing my face with food or not moving from the couch - but I have let myself down. The good habits that took months to create and months to see results, have disappeared, replaced with laziness and complacency.

I used to be able to pick things about myself that I loved - my hair, my legs, my smile. These days though, I'm so caught up in the negatives that I feel as though I am quite literally falling to pieces. I don't know why my weight is always at the top of the list, but for the longest time I've believed that if I fix my weight? I'll have fixed the problem. If it was as easy as that, I would have fixed the problem years ago. I hate that it's a problem to begin with. I hate that it's my problem.

I've got to learn to love you, body. I'm learning. I'll always be learning. And to sum it all up? I'm dedicating a song to you, which is going to be my mantra from now on.

I promise I'll be giving it a shot. And not just starting tomorrow, either. Starting now.

Always stuck with you,

Aly.

(This post was written as part of a BlogHer initiative.)

It's easy to feel like I'm playing house lately, with all of these changes that have been going on. Coming home to a house that doesn't miraculously clean itself, having to cook dinner, clean, shop, pay bills, it's still a novelty to me. Even grocery shopping doesn't seem real: it's just me and the other half, deciding what we want to do for food this week. It's bizarre. I'm not used to it yet.

One thing I wanted to achieve being here, was to live a little.

To get out of my comfort zone, to experience life on the other side of the world, to get out and have some fun while I can! Despite the fact that I'm not 100% happy with the work situation, I'm trying my best to do those things.

Tonight we're going out for dinner to a Polish restaurant with some of Jason's work friends. My goal is a) Not to stress about meeting new people and acting like an arse, b) Indulge in at least one alcoholic beverage of my choice and c) To eat the food without freaking out about what is in it. (I'm incredibly nervous meeting new people, and there seems to be a lot of pressure when the people involved are your partner's friends. And other than a glass of wine with dinner a few weeks ago, I've not had a sip of alcohol since stepping on English shores. Oh, and I'm the world's fussiest eater.)

Wish me luck!

There are some days when the only thing you want to do is get away from it all.

In October I pushed myself too far with my jogging and ended up straining my shins and ankles, so I cut right back. It's incredible how only a few weeks off the exercise bandwagon can make such a huge difference in your fitness: getting back into my routine has not been easy. And my efforts haven't been anywhere near as successful as they were a few months ago. Suffice it to say I've been feeling a bit down on myself, especially as some of the kilos have started creeping back on me, and I've been feeling less than psyched about myself.

It seemed that my usual 'treadmill after work' timeslot wasn't working for me anymore, so I switched to setting my alarm earlier and attempting to do some walking before my morning shower. Sadly, that didn't work either; I'd wake up, turn off the alarm, and go back to sleep. So I'm not a morning person, I'm not an afternoon person, what's a girl to do? Come home in my 20 minute lunchbreak? Everything got completely out of whack.

Feeling like I've let myself down is the worst feeling. I had built up this idea in my head that by the time I moved to England, I would be fit and healthy and well, trim. Even after the hard work I've put in over the past few months, I'm still not that person. I don't know if I'll ever be that person. And I have this horrible feeling that my being the same old shape, the same old person, is going to let other people down too.

I don't know. I'm thinking too much today, about a whole stack of things that have been going on here at home and in my mind. This afternoon, I spent a little bit of time downloading some new tunes onto my Ipod. I changed into my work out clothes. I headed downstairs. I sat on the lounge and stared at the treadmill for a fairly long time, wishing that just being in the same room as exercise equipment could burn off the calories.

Eventually I stepped up and got on with it. Ninety minutes and ten kilometres later, I got off. Sweating like a pig. Uncomfortably chafed under the armpits. Wobbly in the legs. Happy. Proud. Feeling good. This is why I need to deal with my issues. This is why I need to just get on the damn treadmill and walk away the stress. Now comes the trickier part: convincing myself that it's not a chore, making sure that I'm doing this for the right reasons, and not being so damned hard on myself all of the time. I have a long way to go.

When things have you worried, how do you get away from it from it all?

I have to be honest about something; there is nothing in this world that is quite as boring as being on a diet. There, I said it. Even the dreaded 'd' word.

When you're trying to lose weight, the first few weeks are exhilerating. You monitor what is being shoved carefully placed in your mouth, you make the time to work out and you are generally pretty thrilled to see the numbers on the scale grudgingly go backwards. It's the perfect motivation, and you keep at it. You're in the zone, baby. But then . . . the novelty gradually wears off.

It's a few months later and you're a few kilograms lighter, even if your evil clothes refuse to budge sizes. You still don't enjoy exercising, even though people constantly tell you that you will eventually warm to it, and after trying all sorts of different activities. You stick with the same pattern of eating, you get paranoid about eating out and you have the tendency to blow tiny/accidental splurges into mammoth snacking sessions. It's just not fun anymore.

Oh, and the scales? They are your mortal enemy.

Hell yes, I'm talking about myself in this entry. [Results not typical.]

I've come to the point where at 11am, I just want to eat a fucking hamburger or three. I find myself glaring at people sitting in cafes who are innocently enjoying their meal without having to think about it. I think about food all of the bloody time. I put off exercising until I absolutely have to, instead of getting it over with quickly and enjoying how I feel afterwards.

And worst of all I am so, so critical of myself. I gave myself the goal of knocking Jason's socks off when I stepped off the plane on Christmas Day, but I'm nowhere near that goal. The problem with having set a standard for myself, is that I feel like crap because I haven't achieved it yet. I feel like I will be a disappointment. Since we're being honest, I'll even share my stats with you. (OhshitwhatamIdoing?)

In January, I was 95kgs. (209lbs) In September, I was 82kgs. (180lbs)

Don't get me wrong, I'm damn proud of myself for getting this far. And even if my belly roll hasn't subsided any, I do feel a lot different. It's just that here I am, months later with a long way to go. And my motivation? It has run off kicking and screaming for the hills. I'm not enjoying any part of this process anymore, and what should be some of the finer things of life are being replaced by over-thinking and over-analysing. And scarily, I'm setting myself up to fail; my subconscious is well and truly kicking my arse right now.

So, what can I do about it?

Option 1: I can whinge about it (always a great option, if you ask me) and keep things going the same way.
Option 2: I can give up (and spoil all these months of hard work, would rather not though. Obviously.)
Option 3: I can try to fix things. (Easier said than done.)

I want to get back on track, whinging along the way of course. But instead of being a food nazi, I'm going to focus more on how I move my arse.

It is with great long-winded pleasure that I introduce my October challenge; to see how many kms I can walk and run this month. And you know what? If I'm exercising, I'm totally allowed to have that damn hamburger. You just try and stop me!

When you're trying to lose weight, simple things seem to require a lot more thinking than usual. You start to plan ahead when it comes to food choices, you have to think about your options when you have a day out and you experience good and bad feelings based on what you eventually decide to put in your mouth.

To sum it up? You have food on the brain. Always. In great detail. Mmm. Food.

It's one thing to change your lifestyle in day to day terms. But being on a diet while you're working with primary school kids? It's just plain torture.

Growing up, I remember having a sandwich, some sort of muesli bar, fruit and bottled cordial in my lunchbox. Ha! You should see some of the things these kidlets have in their lunchboxes! They have several different kinds of lollies, chocolates and cake bars. I've even seen cans of soft drink brought to school! Don't even get me started on the canteen. They have a whole lot of healthy options, but the favourites are still the meat pies, the hot dogs, the hash browns and the chicken nuggets. How's a well-rounded teacher supposed to stay healthy with all of these kids ordering sweet-smelling (and highly fattening) lunch orders?

I'm being good. I'm eating my packed lunch of fruit, yoghurt and a sandwich . . . But damned if I haven't been craving a hot dog all day long.

Most of you know that I keep a separate blog that is solely for whinging about weight loss. Well, actually, I have two; one being a community style blog that other members can access, the other being an ordinary old, semi-anonymous blog. Seeing that I have enough ramblings to waffle on about here without adding the woes of my extra flab, I figure it works best for everyone that way.

But I did decide to talk about some weighty stuff today, in hopes that you can help me out. You see, I'm going scale free for the month of August, as of yesterday. I won't go into numbers here (though if you're nosey, you can always ask me) but basically, the scales have had me fluctuating between the same two kilograms for the past six weeks. And it's not as though that number is a healthy or ideal one. I still have a heck of a long way to go before I even come close to reaching goal, and that's why I'm getting so frustrated. And wanting to eat. More.

To get myself out of the 'woe is me, I am not losing weight, think I'll go eat worms' rut, I've decided to go scale free. I've moved them out of the bathroom, I'm not weighing in weekly, and to be honest, I'd rather not know. I know it won't last forever, but fingers crossed that when I'm back to my semi-motivated self who exercises most days and eats fairly well with just the occasional splurge, it'll make a difference. That's the plan, anyway. Talk to me on September 1st, and if the numbers are the same, I might just go buy a whole pizza instead.

What I need your help with, are some quick and easy food recipes. It'll help in two respects - keeping me healthy and eating well, but also adding to my overseas stash of recipes that I'd like to gather together. (I just can't help tossing in a "List" item every now and again.) Obviously it'd be better if they were low calorie ones, but they have to be tasty too! They don't have to be main meals. I'd actually love some light ideas for things I can make of an evening to take to school over the next few days, like scones or savoury muffins, anything like that. I know I have some fabulous chefs who stop by, so won't you help a girl out?

(Bonus points to whoever can create a recipe with vegetables that doesn't taste like vegetables. I'm a freak. I don't like vegetables. It's a bit of a challenge.)

A couple of weeks ago, I came out and stated that I was a pretty mellow girlfriend when push came to shove. Yeah, well, fast forward to today, where I've decided that I'm taking it all back. Bugger putting up that cool, non-plussed exterior.

As of right now? I feel like a big, gigantic mess.

The final realisation that I won't actually be seeing Jason for six months is pissing me off.
The fact that my brain and heart are over-reacting to trivial things is pissing me off.
The questions that people ask about long distance relationships are pissing me off.
The comments that people make about long distance relationships are pissing me off.

In fact, the idea that I'll actually be a part of a long distance relationship in just a few short weeks, is sounding less and less appealing as each day goes past. Last night, my dreams centred around my wedding, and it seemed as though everything was falling apart. In the dream I was so out of the loop, that I remember sitting (dressed in bridal attire) at the top of my staircase, just asking the people dashing around me exactly where I was getting married today? And how were we getting there? And who am I marrying again? You know it's not looking good when even your dreams are flustered.

I don't like turning into a paranoid freak. I don't like reading into every single thought that flings into my head. I don't like questioning myself or Jason, especially when I know things will work out in the end and I'm comfortable with that.

It's just that right now, at this second? I've turned into that person.

And it scares me.