I knew the minute my phone rang that it was bad news. No news is good news with my clinic... a phone call is the opposite.

The embryologists thawed my remaining five embryos on Thursday. Two died during the thaw. The remaining three embryos that survived, were left & checked this morning at day 3. Two showed very little development and were only 2-cell. One embryo was on par, so they decided to transfer that one early. The scientist said that if only one embryo looks good and is all that's left, there's no point in growing out to blastocyst stage - that it's better off back in my uterus, where it'll grow if it's good enough.

So with about an hour's notice this morning, we went in for a 3 day transfer. It was a pretty smooth transfer process.

Day 3 8-cell on the left, Day 3 VERY behind 2-cell on the right. Both transferred.

We are PUPO now... pregnant until proven otherwise. A day 3 transfer wasn't what we were hoping for; I don't have a lot of faith in them, but the good embryo looked pretty & they were confident with it. They also put back one of the slower embryos, but that was only because it had next to no hope of going anywhere. We'll just consider it to be there for moral support, I guess.

I can't believe our luck. It's gone from one bad thing to the next, and I am getting to the point now where I quite honestly don't even know what we've done to be so unlucky.

Today's transfer means that out of 13 eggs retrieved, out of 8 mature and fertilised embryos, we didn't even get a single good blastocyst. 2 embryos {3 if you count the slow one, which I don't} out of 8 made it to a transfer. Not the greatest results from an IVF cycle. We had better success with our first few cycles, pre-Georgia.

Driving to the clinic today, all I could think about is how unfair this whole thing is. Babies that aren't wanted, pregnancies that aren't wanted, good people missing out on getting the chance to bring a child/children home to their family. Why it's so easy for some people to get pregnant, why some people will never know the grief that infertility brings to others. Why us? It was a bit of a pity party for two.

The universe is all kinds of fucked up, that's for sure. All I know is that we're not done fighting yet.

We'll battle on... because the pain of giving up completely is WAY worse than the pain of infertility treatments.

I'm waiting on a phone call to tell me what's going on with this cycle. It's leaning towards being cancelled.... but there's a chance, I guess. It's not over until it's officially over.

Why would they cancel, you might be wondering? Well, I am CD21. I've had bloods every other day this week, three days in a row since Tuesday, and my oestrogen FINALLY started increasing on the ovulation sticks. Last night, it was high, but not positive. This morning, it was blazing positive. Things might finally be happening!!!

Until... they told me that yesterday's progesterone was already looking elevated. And today's ultrasound showed a HUGE follicle {potentially already a cyst} that was massive, about 27mm.

You know what sucks the most? THIS:

I have a picture perfect endo lining, at 10mm. I have surged, as I got all positive OPK's this morning. My saliva started ferning yesterday and looks textbook for ovulation.

But is it a cyst? Is the progesterone too high? Will they cancel a transfer now? I have no idea. I'm REALLY worried about the progesterone, since I have a history of it rising pre-transfer, which is why they have cancelled a few of my cycles in the past. I wish I knew why it was doing this, I really do.. but there's nothing I can do but wait for their call, now. I'm getting tired of asking for a miracle, but COME ON UNIVERSE!!

*$&*%$@#(*&%*(@&*(@

I am so flipping over this.

***********UPDATE***********'

We are a-go for transfer! Apparently the blood levels have stayed JUST in range for progesterone and suggest ovulation, so we're hopefully going to transfer a 5-day embryo on Monday next week.

It's CD19. Nothing is happening. Bloods every other day.

I have this awful feeling in my gut... that this cycle is going to end up cancelled.

Please let my gut be wrong.

Well, the Letrozole was finished up last week, days 5-9. Since then, we've had every-other-day bloods to check on how things are going.. and so far, not a lot is happening. I've never ovulated earlier than CD18 before - and most often it's a LOT later than that - but I always find myself disappointed that things don't happen earlier.

Mostly though, I'm not worried about ovulating late, since that part is out of my control. I'm MOST worried about not ovulating at all. I'm going for more bloods tomorrow, and likely again Monday or Tuesday, and if they can't see any surges in my hormones, I'll be requesting an ultrasound to see what's happening in there.

I just wish that I could ovulate. At LEAST a quarter of our TTC issues would be solved if I could just freaking ovulate.

Am emotional. And tonight, I'm raiding the leftover Easter bunny chocolate container.. just because.

Despite the HRT protocol going so well last cycle {before the dismal embryo transfer, that is} we've gone back to a previous protocol this time around. My fertility specialist believes I have better results from when we do natural cycles - but of course, those don't exist for me. So in lieu of that, I'm back on the Letrozole/Femara, and we track via bloods & OPK's for a surge, and then time the transfer after that.

I'm more than a little nervous, if I'm honest. I'm scared that the Letrozole won't work, that I'll not ovulate at all on it - or worse, just form another ovarian cyst again. I'm scared that we won't get a transfer, and that we'll end up waiting around and wasting even MORE time. But I'm having a bit of faith in my doctor this time, and letting her decide how this cycle should go.

The one thing I am fighting for though, is to have all five of our day 1 embryos thawed. I'm not going through another frozen cycle, only to have one lousy embryo to transfer like last month. This time, I'm going to throw everything at it.. so I need to chase up the embryologists last week and make sure they're ready to defrost whatever's left.

Until then - we wait. The jury's out as to when, or if, I'll ovulate on the Letrozole. Monitoring starts next week. :)

Yesterday was CD1 - my period came on quite suddenly. My fertility specialist had warned me that after the egg retrieval from this IVF, I'd likely get a bleed quickly; something to do with the Lucrin trigger, and with not bothering with any progesterone support at all. It came right on time for a change.

I'm just going to jump right in again, for old time's sake:

It appears that our little frozen snowbaby has decided to stick around! It's VERY early days yet, I'm only 8dp5dt - or 13dpo - but we are really, really hopeful that we might well have gotten lucky on this first round of cycling.

I was sure I was out a few days ago. I felt down, sick as as a dog, and apart from the odd squinty shadow on the internet cheapie pregnancy tests, everything pointed to negative. 9dpo, 10dpo, nothing. I was already getting ready to gear up for starting over. Then, on 11dpo (or 6dpt) I thought I saw a faint pink line.

Hubby had to take it into the light and stare at it from odd angles before he saw it - but it was there. It's gradually gotten stronger, and now we cross our fingers and hope it continues.

I don't have a doctor's visit until Wednesday, so keep your fingers & toes crossed for us until then.

If it was any other pregnancy, there is no way I would be announcing it this early - so much can change in these early days - but I can't keep a secret from my beautiful IVF community that I value so much. So, like last time, I'd ask that if any of our real life friends or family members are reading this, please keep it quiet for now & respect our tiny little secret. We have a long way to go yet... but are cautiously over the moon!

1dp5dt - Georgia is sick, so we've been looking after her. We had a lot snuggle time on the lounge with blankies - lovely for her AND for us. Cramping today, thanks to the progesterone pessaries. Have NOT missed them.

2dp5dt - Feeling pretty normal, except for a niggly cough. I've had an odd cramping and pinching feeling, but it weirdly feels like it's my ovaries... what the heck are they doing? They've not had a big role to play this cycle! Silly buggers. Typical that they'd be annoying, they like to mess with my head. I was exhausted last night, went to bed and read a book at 8pm, then snored through most of the night.

3dp5dt - Georgia is still sick, and has shared her cold with me. We started our morning doing laundry, after she coughed so hard, she gagged & puked all over me/our bed, the poor little thing. The progesterone is just gross, as always. I'm so bloated and really warm all the time. Already itching to pee on a stick, although my gut feeling is negative - the blasty wasn't 100%, I have a cold, and I wasn't able to lie down much and chill out on transfer day like I wanted to. Odds are pretty small.

4dp5dt - Whyyyyy did I pee on a stick this morning? stupid, stupid, stupid. That had me staring at it under every different light surface, indoors, outdoors, just to see if I could see anything. I thought I saw a shadow, but it's ridiculously early. Today I'm feeing a little bloated, but this head cold is making me feel shocking.

5dp5dt - Can't get myself out of bed, feel like death. I pee'd on another stick and once again, all I see is white - until I stare at it long enough that I see another shadow. I'm a bit nauseous today, but it's all down to this sickness; can't swallow well, I'm hot/cold and all I want to do is sleep. Being sick in the TWW is just plain mean. I'm still hoping and praying that this will be a lucky cycle, but I would have expected a faint positive by now if it was. All these negatives already... well, not a great omen so far.

On the bright side, Georgia is finally perking up a bit!  Hopefully the worst is over for her. :)

My fluke cycle ended in AF last night, so today is CD1 - starting fresh! I'm upset about the negative, even though I've known for several days that it wasn't going to miraculously change; but I'm focusing on the positive. My cycle was 30 days long, with a 14 day luteal phase. That's pretty darned impressive for a non-ovulator. I suppose I should thank the Clomid for doing what it was supposed to do for the first time ever. :)

It's a new cycle - hello to my lovely ICLW friends. Our plan this month is to use Letrozole {aka Femara} from days 2-6, hopefully bring on ovulation - and then delve head first into our first ever frozen IVF cycle. We've never done a FET before; our first two rounds of IVF were full stim rounds. We have two little frosties on ice from Georgia's cycle, and I really hope we get as lucky with one of those. I have an appointment at my clinic on Monday to have a blood test, and chat with the nurses. I'm excited to have a plan of action.

My little lady and I have been on our own the last few weeks, and will be for another week or so. She's pretty good company, but has had some rough nights - I blame teething, these blasted molars need to get on with it already. It's those moments where I really miss {and appreciate} how good hubby is with her when he's home. When she's fed, bathed & in bed, I can relax.. and I am so, so tired. All in all, we're doing okay. She's a great kid!


What's on the cards for you, this current cycle? :)