Breathe Gently - by Mamajags: Baby #2 (m/c)

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Today was the day that we found out our baby had died. The day that our dream of a sibling for Georgia was crushed. The day that we discovered that everything had changed.

Sometimes it feels like the slowest year in the world; other times, it feels like it's just flown by.

The overwhelming numbness that spread over me when my doctor performed that routine ultrasound... I can still remember every moment of it. Walking myself out to the carpark and sitting in the winter cold, no tears, just nothing. Waiting for Jason to come and collect me, because I didn't quite trust myself getting behind the wheel of a car. Trying to figure out how to tell my family, especially my poor sister-in-law, who had just found out she was expecting herself, due a week after I was. Just complete shock.

All this time later, and I'm only just feeling like myself again. Grief does crazy things to you, and it's true that we all process things differently. I've had people not quite sure how to react towards me, who seem like they can't understand why I've been such a different person since this all went down. I've had people surprise me with how understanding and supportive they've been, who have let me process things at my own pace & haven't judged me for the way I've coped.

It's certainly made me appreciate how good I had it with Georgia. I never thought I'd say that; but really, a couple of years of infertility, a couple of cycles of IVF, and a pretty smooth pregnancy; that seems like a dream now, compared to all the rubbish we've faced since getting back on the bandwagon. And if I never get pregnant again, I'm so glad that we had a safe and happy pregnancy the first time around - and most of all, a baby to take home at the end of it. She is worth it all.

Am I the same person I was this time last year?

No.

Infertility changed me. It made me into a person I didn't particularly like at times, and brought out some really terrifying emotions. It made me stronger though, and that's something pretty incredible when you think about it.

But loss? Loss changed everything. When you've lost a baby, or babies, no matter how early or how late, your life is irrevocably different. The things you thought you knew, the things you expected to happen, they all flew out the window. Loss automatically puts you into a club that you never wanted to be a member of - and one that's pretty difficult to remove yourself from.

If you had asked me twelve months ago how I would feel about it all a year later, I honestly don't know how I would have answered. Part of me thought that I'd be pregnant again soon, that we'd do another round of IVF if we needed to, that we'd just get on with things. Another part feared the worst; what if that was it? What if we were destined to have two babies - and that was that. What if there was something wrong with us, or the baby, that made it difficult to conceive again?

All I know is that I naively thought that the grief would pass a lot quicker than it did. For the most part, I'm doing okay. But sometimes, a memory or a reminder can steal the breath from my lungs. When I hold my nephew and snuggle his sweet little fluffy head, I'm so happy that he's here.. but I'm so sad that our little boy isn't. When I see Georgia doting on babies, and mothering her dolls, it breaks my heart that I can't give her the one thing we all so desperately want. When friends and strangers alike announce pregnancies, or have their babies, that same familiar feeling of sadness flutters in my heart. You can swallow it down, you can put on a brave face, but you'll never forget.

When it feels like everything is going wrong, it can be hard to pull yourself together and be positive. How do you stay positive when it feels like your whole life is falling apart, when everything that could possibly go wrong DOES go wrong? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe it's to protect myself - because hoping for a change, for something positive, can turn around and bite you on the arse when it all goes pear-shaped. But I've grown tired of being in this slump.. and whether people can see it or not, I'm trying really hard to keep things moving forward.

A Letter to my Son

Today is March 4th. The odds are pretty good that you wouldn't have been born today - maybe you would have been late, or maybe you would have come early like your big sister did. In my heart though, your birthday will always be today.

When we found out that we were expecting you, that our first IVF frozen transfer had worked, we couldn't believe how lucky we were. We couldn't have planned your timing any better if we'd been a regular old fertile couple - you were due just before Georgia's birthday. Two babies, two years apart; you were a dream come true.

I remember being so, so scared in the early weeks of the pregnancy. I was scared when our hcg levels had a rocky start. I was scared when your daddy & I went to see your first ever ultrasound scan, and breathed easier when we saw your strong heart beating away. I was scared when my morning sickness started up, because it was so different to my pregnancy with Georgia. I was scared when that morning sickness would ebb and flow. Yep, this mama was VERY nervous.

We had an amazing first few months together. When you were still a tiny little poppy seed in my belly, we found out that your Uncle and Aunty were also expecting a miracle of their own - and we couldn't have been happier. Two babies, growing up together, with a proud big sister/cousin there to spoil them. The day we went to our joint ultrasound and found out that our due dates were a week apart, that was a really special moment that I won't forget. You were both so wanted, and so loved.

I remember hearing your heartbeat at home on the doppler, and being so totally and utterly mesmerised with the sound. Like with Georgia, I recorded it on my phone & would listen to it at night before I went to sleep. Those early weeks, before the movements registered, it was a sweet reminder that you were there with me. At 10 weeks, my belly had its first pop, and I took my first - and what ended up being my last - bump shot. Georgia and I would sit on her rocking chair and read books together before bed, and I couldn't believe that I was blessed enough to carry a second baby, to carry YOU.

I wish I knew the moment when we lost you. I wish I could remember what I was doing, and that I could have said something, or did something, to show you how special you were. I was worried the days before, but wrote it off to being paranoid; after all, we'd seen you on the ultrasound, we'd heard your heart beating - a few of those milestones had been crossed. I hate that when I found out that you'd died, I was alone. I thought we were okay, and I told your dad to stay home and watch Georgia, that it was just a routine 11 week OB appointment. That moment changed me forever.

When we found out the results from the genetic testing a few weeks later, my heart broke all over again. Not because they showed that you had T21, or Down Syndrome - because both your daddy and I would have fought for you, regardless of what your chromosomes looked like. No, kiddo, I was devastated because we found out you were a boy. I would have loved you equally and irrevocably whether you were a boy or a girl... but a boy. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I cried so much that day. I cried for you, because we had so many plans for you - so many things we wanted to show you, so many people we wanted you to meet, so many dreams for the future. I cried for your daddy, because he never got to bond with you - his first son. I cried for me, because you were no longer in my belly, and because I would never get to hold you anywhere else but in my heart and my memories.

Our little family lost a piece of ourselves on the day you went away, and we won't ever get that back. You were our baby, and even though today is your birth day, you'll always stay our baby. I'm sorry you're not here with us today, and I'm sorry that we didn't get to meet you. I'm sorry you never got to know your big sister, who is the most amazing kid - she loves babies, she is happy and curious and sweet, and I know she would have been fascinated by you.

We called you Noah, because that was the name we would have chosen to call you, if you were here. The name has roots meaning 'rest, comfort' - and I wish both of those things for you.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mama, if only for a short time.

Amenorrhea & Acknowledgements

Still no period.

I've given up all hope of it arriving before our cut off date.. so I'm resigned to the fact that we won't be getting a transfer in for a few months now. It breaks my heart more than I can put into words - not only because I was so hopeful that this year would be different, be better, but because it means that our odds of being pregnant by our first angel baby's due date.. well, they're virtually nil.

The reminder that our baby's birthday would have been coming up so soon is starting to hit home for me. I'm sure the actual day will come and go and be just another 1/365 - but I'm preparing myself to have some tough emotional days over the next few months. I miss that little baby so much. It seems insane to miss something that was only with you for 11 weeks, but there you go. I feel like I've done a good job of rationalising the loss and moving forward, but it's still with me. And it still hurts.

I guess the difference between the first loss and the second is that I didn't really get to bond with that second pregnancy. It was over not long after it began, even though the actual miscarriage dragged out until just before six weeks. But our little boy, that was different. We'd had the chance to 'meet' him, we'd heard his heart beating, we'd watched that strong, pulsing flicker several times, we'd seen him wiggle on a screen.

The NSW government has brought in a special certificate, known as a recognition of early pregnancy loss {for babies who pass away at less than 20 weeks gestation} for parents who have lost their little ones. It's not an official birth/death certificate, but it's something that bears their name, should you choose to name them, and acknowledges the loss. I've applied for one for Noah, but I don't know that I should apply for the second baby. Other than our GP who ordered the beta testing, nobody really got to know that baby/hope of a baby, except for us. I feel like that pregnancy is remembered better in my heart.

I just feel so much older than I did this time last year - older than the calendar year that has gone past.

I was always resigned to the fact that our journey to parenthood would be a rocky one, but I had faith in the process and that we'd get there eventually. And we did.. eventually. I wouldn't change Georgia for all the $$ in the world, she was worth every cent, every heartache. It just feels that with every setback, or negative outcome, that faith is chipped away a little more.

Halfway to Nowhere

October 15th is widely known as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Those of us who have lost a pregnancy or a little one remember EVERY day, but this is a special day/month all the same.

For me, the day is especially bittersweet.

I would have been exactly 20 weeks pregnant with our little boy, had he lived. We would be celebrating the halfway point, planning for the final trimesters & having another ultrasound. Instead, we're left mourning the son we didn't get to meet, and finding a way to move on without that person in our lives. You don't know how much I long for things to have been different.

Tonight I will light a candle for our baby. I will remind myself of how special he was and how HAPPY we were for him to be in our lives - and all of the hopes & dreams I had for him. I will remember my friends & their angel babies too, and send healing vibes their way. And most of all, I will hope. Hope for our family & hope for a miracle.

Sending so many warm fuzzies to those of you, near & far, who are also remembering on this day.

Reports & Frustration

We received the report back from the lab today - telling us what we already knew: a male fetus with Trisomy 21. So weird seeing it on paper, from the Children's Hospital pathology labs. Unfortunately, the report didn't say much more than that: a full trisomy. It doesn't specify if it was a one-off chromosomal mix up, or a translocation where the parents' genetics are involved. I've sent it off to my IVF specialist, to see what she recommends.

As for us, well, we haven't really got much to report. I haven't had a cycle, or even ovulated yet, so we can't even move forward with our last frozen embryo transfer cycle until that happens. The waiting around is really frustrating. Every time another day goes by, I realise how late it is in the year - and that our chances of falling pregnant in 2014 again are slim to none. Instead of having a baby in 2015, I fear we'll still be trying. :(

And this is how I feel about that:

My poor, teething baby girl.

A Reason

The OB called with our genetic testing results this morning. Our baby had Down's Syndrome.

We were expecting that there would be some kind of trisomy issue, because of the way I lost the baby {my body co-operated; it was the foetus that passed} - so we processed that news okay. From the early days, we always said we were prepared to deal with a special needs child, that they were a special gift. A part of me is sad that we didn't get the chance to be those parents. But then the other part of me is logically thinking about the varied spectrum of medical conditions that could have come along with Trisomy 21; and assuming that's why the miscarriage happened. I'd like to think our baby went peacefully, without a care in the world & is with my Nanna now.

But we also found out the gender of our little one.. and it was a boy.

I was pretty composed hearing about the chromosomal issue, because we were all ready for this. But I wasn't prepared for being so sad about finding out the gender. The grief is still the same, regardless of whether we lost a girl or a boy - but I wasn't expecting to hear it was a HE. My heart is broken for all the things that he won't get to do, that he won't grow up with a sister who loves him, and parents who are smitten with him.

We've talked about naming him. We'll see where our hearts lead us with that decision; now, we're back to grieving & moving forward. We had a son, and we won't ever get to know him - but man, he was a seriously loved little baby.

This Week

It's been an okay week, around here. Some highs, some lows.

First up - YES! Georgia has started taking steps. She isn't walking, but she's making good attempts at balancing and lurching off across the room. I'm so, so proud of her. I hope she continues being brave, my big girl!

We had a follow up appointment with the OB on Monday. He did a scan, and my uterus is empty, and he's happy with my levels coming down on pregnancy tests. Still a tiny squinter there, so hopefully not too much longer before they're back at 0. He said that it takes an average of 3-4 weeks for them to level out.

So far, we don't have a lot of answers. My blood tests {taken the morning we found out, in preparation for the NT scan} all came back fine, immunities, iron, etc. All of the testing levels were low, indicating a possible problem with the pregnancy, even if it hadn't ended already. My AMH was low, as was my free bHCG and my papp-A. With Georgia, they were 0.54 & 0.18 respectively; low enough to give us a high risk rating. This baby was 0.25 & 0.09. With those results, the OB is fairly sure that it indicates a chromosomal problem with the embryo - though we have to wait for the full genetic testing to come back in a few more weeks to confirm.

I don't know what I'm supposed to hope for. Part of me wants a reason for our loss; a genetic problem that was out of our control, but then I feel so guilty to our little one. If the results come back totally normal, I'll have to be content with just not knowing what went wrong - was it me? Did I do something that inadvertently caused the baby's heartbeat to stop? And if it DOES come back as a genetic issue, does that mean our last frozen embryo is already doomed? Too many questions for my liking.

Either way, we are now in post-miscarriage limbo: waiting for a period. I'm glad the physical healing is done.

Pros:

Hot bath! Hot, hot soak in the tub. Heavenly.
Back to normal life, whatever that is.
The all clear for exercising.. I've run three times this week, 15km. Not bad for a first week back.

Cons:

I miss my baby. So, so much.

We Lost Our Baby

I'm so completely devastated to tell you all that we just found out that our miracle second baby is no more. Today at our routine 11 week OB appointment, we saw our beautiful and perfect baby - but with no heartbeat.

Can't even begin to process what happens now, but my heart has broken into a million shattered pieces.

Tomorrow I'm being admitted to hospital for a d&c. My whole world is in a spin, and I'm holding on for dear life.

10 weeks + 3 days

Oh, I am a nervous wreck.

All my symptoms have gone, aside from the random hunger/aversions. I feel totally normal. I can't find the baby on the doppler, haven't been able to for the last few days. I'm really anxious that something's not right.

Plus, I've been having crazy dreams - last night in my dream, I was bleeding, went to the doctors, and the baby had no heartbeat. I woke up in tears and headed straight for the toilet, sure it was a sign. Thank goodness, but no, no bleeding or spotting. Why is this such a head-fuck?

On top of all of my craziness, Georgia came down with a random case of Hand, Foot & Mouth disease this week. We still don't know where she picked it up {could have been anywhere} but it's been nasty. She's still spotty and healing slowly, but we've been quarantined for most of this week to make sure it doesn't spread.

Monday's OB appointment can't come fast enough. :(

baby #2: 10 weeks pregnant

How far along? Double digits - into week 10, huzzah!

How big is baby? Baby is a prune or a kumquat this week. Squidgy little fruit baby, awww.

{Image via BabyCenter}

How I’m feeling? Went through a really nervous phase this past week - didn't feel pregnant, boobs stopped hurting, and I couldn't find the baby on the doppler. Since then, I've calmed down a bit - after I DID find the baby and made myself relax (and put the doppler away in a drawer!) Just another week or so until my next doctor visit.

How I’m changing? I'm alternating between being really relaxed about this pregnancy, to constantly worrying that something is wrong. Focussing on Georgia helps, as does remembering how lucky we are to be here.

Symptoms? I'm just so bloated. That and an emotional mess. That about sums it up.

Cravings? Still with the juice and with the saos, and potato-stuff. Hot chips & gravy, mmmmm.

Food Aversions? Went a bit funny off home cooked meat this week, so tended to avoid it.

Highlights this week? I turned 30 a few days ago - and I'm really looking forward to my thirties! I have an amazing hubby, cute fur babies, a beautiful little girl, and a tiny little kumquat baby in my belly. Life is good.

The Belly? Ok, I'll be brave & start up the belly shots.

Just remember: haggard tired mama, bloaty tummy. You have been warned!

baby #2: 9 weeks pregnant

How far along? 9 weeks + 1 day pregnant!

How big is baby? This week the baby is growing to the size of a grape or a cocktail olive. Delish!

{Image via BabyCenter}

How I’m feeling? I'm feeling mostly okay. Hopeful, counting the weeks down one day at a time. Hoping that all is well, and starting to hope that this is for real!

How I’m changing? I've started having more trouble going to sleep - which is strange, because I'm really tired. I think I'm overthinking things at night, have to start winding down before I attempt sleep.

Symptoms? The queasiness I thought I was going to get stuck with seems to have died down a bit, which is strange. That was very short lived! (Yes, still early, so crossing fingers & hoping I'm not jinxing myself.) Boobs are still massively tender, and I'm really really bloated and full-feeling all the time.

Cravings? Orange juice, saos with vegemite, anything with potato in it!

Food Aversions? Still finding it hard to pinpoint what I WANT, especially at dinner time. It's a bit of a struggle.

Highlights this week? I found the baby's heartbeat using the doppler for the first time yesterday morning! Was the sweetest sound. I had a really full bladder before using it, so I think that helped amplify things. Recorded it so I can listen and calm down during the next few weeks between appointments. I've also booked the NT scan for the 20th August, so I have some dates to count down to.

The Belly? Oh, the stretch marks. I had a fair few develop over the last few weeks of Georgia's pregnancy, and that's fine - I'm not actually worried about them. But they seem like they're getting shiny again, maybe from all the bloating already, so I hope they'll not go too crazy this second time around.

I'm thinking I might start taking weekly shots from 10 weeks, even though it's all bloat/chubby belly right now!

8 weeks + 6 days

Here we are, still plugging away! This limbo part of pregnancy is the worst; we've seen the heartbeat and we've seen baby growing - but now we have a two week wait until we can see it again! I just hope the baby is fine, and keeps on growing. In the meantime, I'm still using the progesterone pessaries & praying all is well in there. Hopefully bub is cracking the 2cm mark this week & growing arms and legs and fingers and toes!

I need to go back through the blog archives and see when I found Georgia using the doppler, because I'm sure it was around the 9-week mark last time. Hearing that heartbeat at home would be very reassuring over the next few weeks, but we'll see how we go. I won't panic if I can't find it yet. Baby's tiny, after all.

As for life, well, things are good. Georgia is playing with everything and her little personality is shining through more and more every day. We have started looking for a proper weekly playgroup for her, and went to an open day this morning. Not sure it's the right one for us yet, but we'll keep looking. Will be good to get out of the house more regularly and see how she goes with meeting and interacting with new people.

It's my birthday this week, and I'm sort of a bit down about it. Nothing's been organised so far, and I don't particularly feel like organising anything myself - it's my 30th! Ah well, looks like I'll spend time with my little family instead... but if hubby forgets this year, I'll be MIGHTY disappointed.

baby #2: 8 weeks pregnant

How far along? 8 weeks and 1 day, as of today!

How big is baby? The baby is about 1.7cm long {we saw it on ultrasound this morning!} and is the size of a raspberry or a kidney bean. We're growing! So in love. :)

{Image via BabyCenter}

How I’m feeling? I'm good! I'm relieved to have seen and even heard a heartbeat this week. Just want this little jellybean to keep on growing and developing well, one day at a time. Current heart rate was 170bpm!

How I’m changing? I'm bloated up the wazoo & trying really hard to keep calm and carry on.

Symptoms? BOOBS. Sore, sore boobs. Every now & again I get flash pains in my left boob, really bizarre. Cramping. Just odd flashes of queasiness, but nothing drastic. As long as I keep snacks up, it's not too bad.

Cravings? Juice. Orange mainly, or apple/blackcurrant. I also really want chicken nuggets, go figure.

Food Aversions? Eggs, no. No eggs. EVER. Blergh. I'm more in the head space of nothing ever sounding good.

Highlights this week? Seeing the baby again & hearing its heartbeat. Ticking some more days off the calendar!

The Belly? Still frumpy, and still bloated! How about a picture of the baby instead? I look at this shot and see a little wee crab, with pincers on each end {which I hope is a head to the left, leg buds to the right}... meet our little Nipper!

7 weeks + 5 days

Today I met with my NEW obstetrician for the first time. We decided to go with a new doctor AND a new hospital with this baby, because I still have issues with Georgia's special care stay at the previous hospital, and I'd like to have a completely fresh start with Baby #2's birth and care. This OB is one that was recommended to me by friends & is raved about in the local mum community, and is conveniently located 10 minutes down the road, which is awesome. {Same with the hospital - 10 mins vs 30 mins!}

I left hubby with Georgia, since I didn't want to risk the wrath of a cranky baby in a waiting room - right through her nap time. Happy to say that the whole thing went perfectly. The doctor was amazing, made you feel right at ease. He listened to my previous birth experience, asked lots of questions about IVF and spent at least 45 minutes in the appointment with me. Was really nice to not feel rushed at all. His midwife was also in for the appointment and she seemed very sweet too.

We headed over for a look at the baby - just a tummy ultrasound today, so not an internal for a change. First up, I heard the heart beat - such a sweet little sound. 159bpm, and all good, the most beautiful thing to hear. Baby has grown since last week & I'm measuring 7w4-7w5d depending on the scans he took. I'll probably have an internal at Thursday's ultrasound just to confirm, but looks like a March 4th due date. :)

So in love with this little jellybean!

baby #2: 7 weeks pregnant

How far along? Since the dating scan pushed me back two days, Wednesdays are now my 'new week' day. 7 weeks!

How big is baby? The baby is the size of a blueberry. A very, very cute blueberry. :)

{Image via BabyCenter}

How I’m feeling? I feel good, knowing I'm not crazy and that there's a tiny baby in there! Relieved that we saw a heartbeat, so so excited to tackle the coming weeks & expand our little family.

How I’m changing? I feel quite calm now, though I'm sure that this will change soon! Body wise, my boobs feel a little bigger {particularly my left one.. weird} & I'm feeling pretty jiggly.

Symptoms? Still with the bloating & cramping - sometimes it makes me stop and think about it, but mostly it's twinges. My boobs feel quite tender now, my left one really pains me every now & again, which is uncomfortable. Had a big head spinning/dizzy moment a few nights ago that left me lying down.

Cravings? I had my calamari fix last week. Not really sure what I'm feeling like at the moment... but I seem to be drinking an awful lot of juice.

Food Aversions? Nothing major, but the idea of reheating a sausage dish for Georgia's dinner the other day was enough to make me feel pretty sick.

Highlights this week? Seeing that heartbeat flicker, and a teeny tiny baby on the screen. I've also confirmed an OB visit for next week, so that should be interesting.

The Belly? Large and in charge - but all belly, no baby yet!

Flicker

Oh, sweet, sweet relief. Meet Baby #2:

There is nothing sweeter than seeing that flicker on the screen, a tiny, tiny heart beating already. Baby measured at 6w5d, so just a couple days off my 'rough' IVF date. The heart rate was measured at 134bpm and my little jellybean baby is just 7mm long, such a wee little thing. Yet it owns my heart already. :)

One milestone down, a few handfuls more to go. But for now.... there's a baby in my belly! Happiest mama ever.

6 weeks + 4 days

Just a few days to go before the ultrasound. In the meantime, I've been:

Peeing on sticks daily. Don't worry, they're just el cheapos... and they're still dark!
Feeling pretty good, with the odd bits of nausea that are mostly fleeting.
Having some new cravings: apple & blackcurrant juice, and carbs. All carbs. Going off hot teas, which is weird.
Going to bed super early, usually straight after Georgia goes down for the night. Thankfully, she's been sleeping pretty well too. Phew!
Worrying, as per usual. The current thing I have on my mind? What if Monday's scan is massively different compared to Georgia's 7 week scan? It's so daunting. Fingers & toes crossed that all is okay.

How are YOU going?

baby #2: 6 weeks pregnant

How far along? My 'new weeks' start on Mondays - so I'm 6 weeks pregnant.

How big is baby? The baby is tiny, as small as a pea, a lentil or a grain of rice this week. Growing slowly!

{Image via BabyCenter}

How I’m feeling? I'm feeling really nervous. The early weeks of pregnancy are no joke, especially since I feel like I've been pregnant forever - I've known about this baby since I was 3+4 weeks along! I just want to fast forward to an ultrasound confirming that there really is a healthy little baby in my belly.

How I’m changing? I AM SO BLOATED. It's mostly progesterone from the twice-daily pessaries, but I feel like my stomach has already puffed out a great deal. It's a little embarrassing breaking out the stretchy pants before being anywhere near ready to come out to the world! Seriously... my belly looks 20 weeks pregnant already.

What I miss? Absolutely nothing. I am so, so happy. Hoping with everything I have that it continues to go well.

Symptoms? Bloating, cramping, peeing every five minutes. Tender nips, boobs fine. Can sleep at the drop of a hat & am irrationally moody - I go from hot to cold in seconds. My skin has also completely broken out.

Cravings? All I want is crunchy calamari. Seriously - this coming from someone who doesn't eat seafood!

Food Aversions? The smell of hubby cooking scrambled eggs earlier this week was enough to make me feel sick.

Highlights this week? It's another week down! That means there is only 1 more week until that 7 week ultrasound... where we can hopefully get some good news & I can breathe a tiny bit easier. Fingers & toes crossed!

The Belly? No pictures for a while yet, but I am giving it a good cuddle every night before bed. :)

5 weeks + 6 days

This pregnancy is so eerily similar to Georgia's! In 2012, I got a 3+ weeks reading on the Clearblue Digital pregnancy test at 5+6 weeks. Guess what today is? These pee sticks drive me mad & keep me sane at the same time.

I'm feeling pretty good, mostly tired though. Georgia's been back to better sleeping and that makes a huge difference! We're still in limbo for another week, but I'm counting down the days until the ultrasound.

I've decided I need a list of things to do to make this week go by faster. Any suggestions for me?

The ultrasound is booked for 8.30am on the Monday, so at least I don't have to worry that whole day away. :)

5 weeks + 3 days

Today, I'm pregnant. That's pretty much all I can say with any certainty; I don't know how it's all going, I don't know what's happening in there... but the pee sticks are still staring at me with double lines & I'm holding on to that.

My 7 week ultrasound has been booked in a few weeks time, so I'm really just twiddling my thumbs and counting down the days until that appointment. We're in that ridiculous early phase of pregnancy that I remember so well from last time - where it feels like you've known about it forever, but it's only been a few short weeks.

This time around, I'm feeling a lot queasier than I remember with Georgia. Not actually sick, just a motion-sickness type sensation. My boobs themselves aren't sore, but the nips feel really sensitive. I'm bloated up the wazoo, but that's likely a result of the progesterone pessaries. I've also broken out in huge, horrible blind pimples that are SO sore... I have skin like a teenager right now.

I'm not going to go back for follow up hcg levels, because I know that I'll just obsess over whatever that number would be. Instead, I'm stopping at what I've already had done (14/17dpo) like I did with Georgia, and hoping for the best. Every day that I wake up with nausea, or without my period appearing, or with pregnancy tests still showing positive, I thank my lucky stars. One day at a time! I just wish those days would hurry up a wee bit..

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