When will this crazy merry-go-round ever stop spinning? I would so very dearly love to NOT still be here. I'll be back on the pill for a few weeks, so there won't be a lot of exciting things happening.

I just turned 31 and while I'm never keen for another year to go by, I'm especially happy to leave my 30th year behind.

It started with such promise; I was 9 weeks pregnant, had seen our baby a few times & was so excited and thrilled to be able to have a second baby in my 30th year. That was my dream come true, made even sweeter since those babies were hard fought infertility ones. I had a great birthday, celebrated with friends and family, and Georgia was a delight - she had just turned 16 months old, was preparing to finally walk, and life was good.

That all ended 11 days later, when our 11 week ultrasound shocked us all... and the year just went pear-shaped from then on. Dealing with the loss of the pregnancy, finding out we were expecting a boy with Down Syndrome, gearing up to use our last embryo - only to have the joy of another pregnancy shattered with another miscarriage; it was a tough few months. Follow that by cycle after cycle of disappointments and negatives, as well as job craziness for hubby & the death of my Nan, well, I can't say I'm not glad to leave that all in the past.

Thank goodness for Georgia, and for family & friends. We're trying to move forward now, and try not to look back so much - easier said than done, but I'm trying. And that's all we can do right now - try.

You know what sucks even more than a random puking bug in the middle of the night? NOT BEING PREGNANT.

Seriously, I spent hours in the bathroom this morning, sick as a dog (with no idea what caused it) & no, I'm definitely not pregnant from this cycle. Being knocked up is about the only time when I wouldn't mind having my head in the loo for a few hours. Being as infertile as ever & still barfing? That's just plain mean.

All lurgies aside, we're still just plugging away. Tomorrow is my official blood test, so as soon as that's done, I'll be quitting the progesterone & the progynova. Can't wait to have a break from those two things, to be honest. Bring on a bleed!

I've been in touch with my new clinic, who you might recall, we swapped to in May after another disastrous stim cycle at our previous one. With all the time we've spent chatting to them, we've still not had the opportunity to do a full stim with them yet; we were busy moving over & dealing with the frozen embryos. Now that those options have fizzled out, it's time to look ahead and plan what to do next.

Originally, they had designed a protocol for me that looked a bit like this:

*antagonist (short) cycle, starting with jabs day 2
*200iu of Gonal-F
*orgalutran as the antagonist.

That was all well & good at the time - but that's the EXACT same protocol I followed in the last stim cycle, that led to increased progesterone levels pre-egg retrieval, and a freeze all. And if you go even FURTHER back to our previous stim cycle in November (also antagonist), we had the same results again: stupid, too-high too-early progesterone levels and a freeze all. You guys, I haven't had a fresh transfer since Georgia's cycle. And we've been back on this IVF train for 18 months now. That's ridiculous.

I ended up contacting them & vented my concerns about the same issues coming up again. They've decided that we will give the original cycles a go - long, down-reg protocols. I'm not sure of what dosage they will have me on yet, but it'll mean going back on the pill first & then injectables a little later.

Sure, the impatient part of me wants to do another antagonist cycle and stim NOW NOW NOW, but the logical part of me is telling me that it's a good idea to try something new. It might take longer, but hopefully the end results will be worth it. After all, it got me my little girl, you know?

The only downside apart from the longer cycle time, is that I always got less eggs retrieved doing it that way. (5 eggs/ 3 eggs respectively in down-reg vs. 13 eggs/ 10 eggs respectively in antagonist.) I'm trying to remind myself that it's quality over quantity; what good is getting more eggs when NONE of them could make it to blastocysts? But it's still scary. I'm 5 years older than I was when we started IVF.

Anyway... that's where we're at right now. Being patient. Being positive - or at least trying to be.

I mean, we're due for something spectacular soon, right?

Sorry for the radio silence - I've spent my last few days resting and recuperating and am finally starting to feel better. Also... my jeans fit! Huzzah for the bloat going down! :)

I've still not had a post egg-retrieval period/bleed yet, so I'm hanging out for that so that we can consider this cycle officially over. Our previous FS wanted us to do Letrozole afterwards to 'force' a short cycle like we did after our last stim - but all that resulted in was a huge ovarian cyst and months of stuffing around - and I am NOT going down that road again. Instead, I plan on going back on the pill for a cycle to shrink these sore ovaries back down to their normal size and give everything a break.

In the meantime the paperwork has been sent off to our new clinic to get the ball rolling with transferring our embryos between clinics. I'm not entirely sure how long the process takes, so I'm hoping the sooner it's organised, the better.

All in all, I don't have a lot of feelings right now. We're resigned to more waiting (again) and it's so disappointing.. when you want something so badly, or have been trying everything you possibly can try for so long; having it constantly out of your grasp is really challenging. We have Georgia keeping us busy though, so I'm sure the time will fly by.

(Hahahahaha... a girl can dream, right?)

We managed to get 10 eggs at retrieval yesterday, so that was a nice surprise. We were hoping for 6-8, so there must have been some last minute growth over the past few days.

It's official, this cycle has been another bust.

Last Thursday: E2 was 1015 and P4 was 4.1. (Why did they not tell me?)
Yesterday: E2 was 7900 and P4 was 6.3.

If you can remember back to our last failed fresh cycle and freeze all, the cut off for having a transfer is a progesterone level of less than 5. We're even higher this cycle than last time, despite being assured by our FS that we would likely be 'just fine' this time around. Apparently not.

After finding out that we have to freeze all the embryos retrieved, we went about ensuring that this time around they would grow them all out to day 5, instead of freezing at day 1 like happened last time. We had brought this worry up with our specialist at our appointment a few weeks ago, and were under the impression that yes, it was something we could bring up with the scientists, should the need arise. Imagine our surprise yesterday when we were bluntly informed that no, we would only be allowed to freeze at day 1, as this is clinic policy. No way around it, no changing her, or the clinic's mind. She has completely gone back on her word. Disappointed and frustrated is an understatement. I am LIVID.

We are so upset about this cycle that we talked about cancelling completely before retrieval - just taking the trigger, getting the majority of our money back, and just letting these eggs go. It would save us the heartache of potentially months of agony fighting our current clinic to get to a frozen transfer, and to grow out these embryos - what we were trying to avoid.

We ended up speaking to our new clinic (who we will be switching to for future cycles) and they've encouraged us not to waste these eggs. They've offered us the option of having whatever we retrieve/fertilise/end up having frozen, transferred over to their clinic, so we never have to make use of our current clinic again.

So, we're going with that option. Trigger tonight, retrieve our eggs, and wait to see what happens with fertilisation and freezing. We'll then sign the forms to give permission to send our embryos to our new clinic, take our mandatory rest cycle off, and go from there.

What a shambles, eh?

For now, I'm focusing on one day at a time... devastated to be denied a fresh transfer once again, but at least looking forward to getting these eggs out of me, because I am uncomfortable and ready to be done with IVF #4. I can't believe how these things just keep going from bad to worse, but there has to be a reason for all this, surely.

Today's ultrasound showed some lovely follicles. We're looking at 7 measurable ones for retrieval late this week, which is what we were aiming for - a nice happy medium over 3 and less than 13!

I'm to take the stim drugs again in the morning, trigger tomorrow night & have egg collection Thursday morning.

I was really pleased... until they told me that, once again, my worst fears are coming true: my progesterone levels taken last week were already 4.1, so there is a very likely chance that this cycle is going to be another freeze all.

I just don't understand why this keeps happening?

We're now waiting on a phone call later this afternoon to confirm what the progesterone has done during this morning's blood test - but once again, I am totally devastated. I was so looking forward to a fresh transfer, and I was feeling a lot more positive about starting again and having a real shot at this.

I had my first bloods taken yesterday, where they presumably check on the E2 and P4 levels, and haven't heard anything since - which means carry on as per normal. They wouldn't normally ring unless something was wrong, so I'm hopeful that means that things are progressing at a steady pace. That's what we want: not too fast, and not too slow. Fingers crossed.

In any case, my dose is still the same: 187.5 of Puregon + 250 of Orgalutran. In my last stim cycle, I'd already had a scan done by now & had a rough idea of how many follicles were growing. This time, my scan isn't booked until Monday - so I have NO idea what's going on in there!

I'm hoping for a reasonable bit of growth this time around. As excited as I was for more eggs (13 retrieved, 8 fertilised) last time around, that turned out to be my worst IVF cycle yet. My lowest-number cycle (3 retrieved, 3 fertilised) was our best, with Georgia & our two miscarriages - so quantity isn't always the way to go. I'd be thrilled with a nice happy medium of maybe 7-8 with good fertilisation and good growth. Trying not to be too greedy here but I'm also trying to be positive, so... fingers crossed.

My belly is sore from the shots, as always - it's the Orgalutran that stings and throbs the most. I'm feeling a little fuller & have gained a bit of weight, but nothing like the discomfort of last time. There are still a few more days of jabs to go, so we'll see what happens over the weekend.

Anyone else stimming along with me? :)

I started jabbing with Gonal-F yesterday - surprise!

Our FET was cancelled today. It's over before we even got excited about squeezing in a transfer.

Seems like our run of bad luck is continuing, doesn't it?

This morning's scan showed another cyst on my ovary. They couldn't confirm if it was the one from last month, reborn - or a whole new cyst that sprung up during the stims. There were other follicles there, but most were hardly measurable; meaning that the cyst was taking all of the FSH drugs. My E2 levels were still baseline.

With the cycle being cancelled, we're left out of pocket for clinic expenses - and add in the cost of all the wasted medication, we're up shit creek there. They'll transfer a portion of the cost across for our next cycle, but we'll still be paying the difference. What's another couple of hundred, or thousand dollars, when you've already spent a small fortune on doctor bills and meds and procedures, right?

I started birth control this afternoon. Instead of being happily relaxed on our holidays, I'll be a week into my course of pills, which give me horrible symptoms. Hooray for that. We go for a scan at the end of a month to monitor the cyst, and if it's still there, we continue on the pill.

So, there went our miracle cycle. There went our last shot at a transfer before our baby's due date. There goes another cycle, another month, another SHOT. I'm really questioning my faith over here.

Today's bloods didn't go too great. I got a text from the clinic saying that the hormones are still low, and to continue on the increased 75 dose over the weekend, and then more bloods on Monday.

Obviously that doesn't bode well for us... so I rang the clinic and left a message, because I've been freaking out about this timeline since the get go. A nurse rang me back and I had a bit of a meltdown - she explained that there is no set time for all of this, and it would take as long as it would take.

She could tell I was anxious though, and I explained that it wouldn't normally bother me so much, except for this whole time-frame thing. She tweaked a few things and will get me in Monday morning for an ultrasound first thing, so that we can get a better picture about what's going on in there.

If I have a promising follicle, they might boost the drugs & do our best to get to trigger phase. (Which would have to be by Thursday at the latest, in order to grow out to a 5 day transfer, all going well.) If I have another cyst, or if there are no signs that the FSH drugs are working, we might cancel altogether. It's going to be a wait & see approach, that's for sure.

Still hoping for a miracle, but I've gotta say... my hope is wearing a little thin right now.

Things are still up in the air. I've been jabbing for a week now, and have had two blood tests in that time.

{If you're new to these parts, I'm doing an OI/FET cycle right now.}

On Friday, after 5 days of jabbing, the nurse told me the levels were 'low' and that if they hadn't shown a surge starting by Monday, we'd likely have to increase the Gonal-F dosage. Today, after 7 days of jabbing, the nurse told me that the levels were STILL 'low' (E2 was 131) and to increase the jab dosage from 50 to 75. We'll leave it a few days and then check the bloods again this coming Thursday.

I am FREAKING out.

It's CD10... and I'm nowhere near surging. We leave in 16 days. We'll need to leave 5-7 days for transfer, from trigger/ovulation... so the clock is really ticking here.

Please body, give us this miracle cycle. Pleasepleaseplease.

Wait.. what?

Last I updated, we'd found out about an ovarian cyst buggering up my cycle. The plan was to wait 5 days and then go ahead and start taking the birth control pill.

Well, on day 4 I started spotting. I rang the clinic, who said it could be just spotting - or if it turned into full flow, to not bother taking the pill and to ring them. Lo and behold, the next morning: hello, AF.

(YAY?)

I mean, it's bittersweet. I'm happy she arrived, because it means that the cyst levels must have started dropping enough to instigate a bleed. But then, it was too late to start a cycle anyway, right? Maybe not...

My IVF clinic had me in on Day 4 to do a blood test, and to pay for a cycle. I started Gonal-F yesterday and will go in for bloods again on Saturday to see how things are going. I'm nervous that this is going to be a VERY tight squeeze (got to ovulate, trigger, and transfer, all before February 11th) but I have a bit of faith that this surprise cycle might be a lucky one!

Either way, it's out of my hands. I'm jabbing and I'm waiting and I'm being hopeful!!! :)