Today is my due date for our second miscarriage - it highlights the last time I was pregnant, getting a positive test after a FET back in October. That pregnancy didn't last as long as the first miscarriage. It ended the week before we were due to have our viability scan. I've always felt a bit disconnected from this particular loss. Still sad, still disappointing - but we were less attached to this one, knowing that it wasn't progressing as it should have from levels very early on.

Aside from the actual reminders of our losses, the milestones that make us stop & remember, the hardest part about all of this is that we're still not pregnant again. In my heart of hearts, I always thought that after we lost our first pregnancy, that I'd be able to get pregnant again - that my body wanted to be pregnant, but that it simply wasn't the right embryo. After we lost this second one, I began to have doubts; especially since we've had several more transfers since then and all have been negative.

I knew this date was coming up, and lately I've seen reminders everywhere. Two blooms on our memorial rose bush. Two planets in alignment in the sky. I suppose I'd like to hope that if there really is something after all of this, that those two babies are together somewhere. Think what you like, but that notion gives me a bit of comfort.

Do I think we're done yet? No, I don't think we're done yet. I think we have another baby in our future, even if it feels like it's out of our reach right now. But today, I'll shed a few tears for the little ones who weren't ours to keep - and hope that my gut is right, and that we'll have happier endings one day soon.

Still no period.

I've given up all hope of it arriving before our cut off date.. so I'm resigned to the fact that we won't be getting a transfer in for a few months now. It breaks my heart more than I can put into words - not only because I was so hopeful that this year would be different, be better, but because it means that our odds of being pregnant by our first angel baby's due date.. well, they're virtually nil.

The reminder that our baby's birthday would have been coming up so soon is starting to hit home for me. I'm sure the actual day will come and go and be just another 1/365 - but I'm preparing myself to have some tough emotional days over the next few months. I miss that little baby so much. It seems insane to miss something that was only with you for 11 weeks, but there you go. I feel like I've done a good job of rationalising the loss and moving forward, but it's still with me. And it still hurts.

I guess the difference between the first loss and the second is that I didn't really get to bond with that second pregnancy. It was over not long after it began, even though the actual miscarriage dragged out until just before six weeks. But our little boy, that was different. We'd had the chance to 'meet' him, we'd heard his heart beating, we'd watched that strong, pulsing flicker several times, we'd seen him wiggle on a screen.

The NSW government has brought in a special certificate, known as a recognition of early pregnancy loss {for babies who pass away at less than 20 weeks gestation} for parents who have lost their little ones. It's not an official birth/death certificate, but it's something that bears their name, should you choose to name them, and acknowledges the loss. I've applied for one for Noah, but I don't know that I should apply for the second baby. Other than our GP who ordered the beta testing, nobody really got to know that baby/hope of a baby, except for us. I feel like that pregnancy is remembered better in my heart.

I just feel so much older than I did this time last year - older than the calendar year that has gone past.

I was always resigned to the fact that our journey to parenthood would be a rocky one, but I had faith in the process and that we'd get there eventually. And we did.. eventually. I wouldn't change Georgia for all the $$ in the world, she was worth every cent, every heartache. It just feels that with every setback, or negative outcome, that faith is chipped away a little more.

I never thought I'd feel worse than I did when we found out about our missed miscarriage earlier this year. Apparently, I can.

It's been twelve days since I peed on that first early pee stick, and saw a shadow. It's been a week since I had my official first beta. Full of hope, and excitement, and nervous trepidation. It's been a week since I started getting nervous, when the beta came in at 60. It's been five days since we learned that the beta hadn't doubled, and that things weren't looking good. It's been three days since we found out that the levels had dropped down, and that the pregnancy wasn't viable.

It feels like an eternity.

When we lost our last baby, the time between finding out and having the d&c was short. For 24 hours, I was a nervous wreck. Panicked because I had a baby inside me that was no longer living, that I would start to bleed and have to go through a miscarriage at home. Thankfully, that didn't happen and the surgery went smoothly.

When we found out that this baby wasn't going to make it, everyone assured me I'd start to bleed. I stopped all of the medications last week, my last progesterone pessary was on Thursday night. I've been expecting to see blood every time I visit the bathroom. I've been waiting for this to begin, so that it can end. Once again, my body isn't working. Nothing is happening.

I still feel pregnant. I have sore boobs, the same pulling tightness that I've had during my last two pregnancies. I have crazy hyper-smell nose, and my veins are popping out all over me. This is the most heartbreaking thing to be going through.

I just want to bleed. I want my hcg to drop to zero. I want this early miscarriage to be over, so that we can move forward with our next cycle before the year is out. This morning, I had yet another blood draw, and hopefully I'll find out the results of that hcg level tomorrow morning.

I'm still hoping. Not hoping for miracles, or that this pregnancy can be saved - but I'm hoping for a quick ending, and for the chance to get another cycle in before the year ends. Please, let this be over with soon.

So, if you were playing along, these were our betas:

14dpo: 60
16dpo: 86
18dpo: 76

This pregnancy has officially been deemed non-viable. I have to stop taking progesterone, and keep getting blood taken until we hit zero. I need to ring my clinic when I eventually (hopefully) start bleeding.

It's over, but it's not over.

Limbo, yet again - this time, waiting for another pregnancy to end. More fading pee sticks. More bloods taken from my already bruised and battered arms.

Please let this be over quickly.

Well... I guess it's time to come clean.

That limbo I was talking about? It wasn't waiting to cycle limbo. It was early pregnancy limbo.

We started preparing for our final FET a few weeks ago, and kept it quiet from everyone. After the sadness and disappointment of the miscarriage last cycle, after bringing everyone down.. we decided to just do it on our own. We mostly expected it to fail anyway, because of our luck lately - but to our surprise, it didn't fail.

We got a positive, and were completely over the moon. Maybe this would be our rainbow baby?

Except, the sticks kept getting fainter, then darker again, and I started getting panicky. I had bloods taken at 14dpo, and my beta was 60. Not great, not great at all - especially when I knew EXACTLY what date my transfer was. My repeat was done yesterday, and my beta was 86. Progesterone dropped from 178 to 106 too.

My GP/FS are telling me to prepare for a miscarriage. I have to have one more blood test tomorrow, and if the numbers are still bad, we stop all medications, and wait to miscarry naturally. I'm resigned to this loss, it can't possibly be going in the right direction for a healthy pregnancy - but now I'm more terrified of NOT losing the baby properly.

I don't want two d&c's in a row. I want a natural loss, I want to stop the progesterone and have everything taken care of. I want my body to do something the right way for a change. This is two losses, two failed pregnancies, and both times my body has refused to admit that something isn't right. Does anyone have any advice on what happens after you stop the pessaries cold turkey?

So, secret is out. Once again, we were pregnant, and now we're looking at another pregnancy ending. There isn't a rainbow baby here. We have no more frozen embryos.

This sucks. My heart has shattered all over again, and it was barely glued back together from the first loss.