I still vividly remember our last transfer day. It was hot, and I was nervous. Nervous that the embryo might not have thawed well, nervous about another miscarriage, nervous about starting yet another year off with the potential for disappointment.

I remember how many times the doctor had to attempt the speculum placement. I remember them commenting that the embryo looked lovely. I remember keeping my legs tightly closed the whole drive home; something I've done after every transfer, even though I know it makes not a shred of difference to the outcome.

For anyone who's ever done IVF or who has never fallen pregnant of their own accord, that window after a transfer is magical. It's full of possibility - for a while, even just for a few short days, you're closer to being pregnant than you've ever been before. That shot that most couples get once a month, it's finally yours, after what feels like constant waiting. Those days have a lot riding on them, since it may be several more months before you get that chance again, if you're lucky.

You wait, you pray, you scream at the universe, and you pee on a million sticks. Most times it doesn't work.

But sometimes.. just sometimes, it does.

One year ago today, we 'met' our Claire for the first time. And now, she's here. I can't think of anything more amazing.

Another week has begun, although my little tadpole is measuring a few days behind from the last scan.

The other day, I was worried because of the amount of cramping and what-not, that something was wrong with the pregnancy. Now, my cramps have gone away and I'm mostly symptom-free... and I'm worried again.

Honestly, you can't win!

I'm tired, I have sort-of sore boobs, and I'm hungry a lot. That's about the extent of it. Worry? Not worry? Who knows! Let's eat a cupcake! #emotions

There's still a baby in there! And it's GROWING!

I really need to document more of this pregnancy, while it's in its early stages. The past couple of days, I have had a little bit of reassurance going back and reading my blog from G's pregnancy. It feels like so long ago now that I've forgotten all the little things, even though family & friends have reminded me that I had similar worries back then.

These were my symptoms from Week 6: I'm tired, all the time. Some cramping started up in the past few days, strong enough to scare me a little, but so far all seems okay. Things are a little 'interesting' in a digestive sense, but no vomiting, only teeny amounts of queasiness, usually around midday or if I haven't eaten. My boobs still feel exactly the same.

Well, today I'm 6 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, and I feel JUST like that. Cramps, enough to freak me out and make me go sit down, they started up yesterday and are still going strong today. Still no sickness except for the odd waves of nausea. Weird tummy stuff. And normal-ish boobs, unless I mash them to check if they're sore or not yet. The usual!

Hubby is going to come with me on Friday, as I think I need the moral support. I'm so glad that I'm able to have weekly scans at this point, but I'm also petrified that something sinister might have happened since last week - could baby's heartbeat have stopped, could growth be too slow, yada yada yada. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't want to be myself for this appointment.

Breathing, gently.

I visited my OB on Friday, when I was 5w6d. We had a good talk about the bleeding, the anxiety that comes with it, and my fear about something going wrong - all justifiable, but we just have to take one moment, one day, one week at a time. He wanted to take a look at everything himself, and once again, he could find no reason for the blood - which he says is positive.

It was an internal ultrasound once again, and this time, we saw the sac and the baby almost immediately, even though it was small. He didn't even bother measuring it, because we'd seen it the day before & he said there was no real point, since we could leave it a week and hopefully have a lot more to see. Seeing the heartbeat was enough to help me breathe a sigh of relief.

Still beating.

He's going to scan me weekly, because he thinks that will help us to manage both a) my anxiety over something going wrong, and b) keeping an eye on growth, particularly if I do have any more bleeding. That's about all we can do at this point... and hope with everything we've got.

This is the first time we've seen a beating heart since our first miscarriage. We lost him, yes, but we had several beautiful scans, and I cherish those moments. The other losses were earlier, and we didn't even get to this point. While it's still early days, and while I'm still petrified... I'm so happy. I just really hope this is our little fighter, who can come home and join our family. We are so ready for them.

So I was doing okay, the spotting from a few days ago had stopped, I was taking it easy... and I was feeling fine. Until yesterday.

I felt dizzy, and stood up from the lounge to refill my water bottle... and I bled. Like, a gush, that sent me running to the bathroom. Bright red, a few clots, and I felt sick as a dog.

PANIC STATIONS.

So, it was after 5pm, and my clinic & OB office closed - so I rang the after hours mobile, who told me to watch the bleeding and they'd try and organise a scan for me the next day. Not long after that, I bled again.

Since I was feeling so woozy, I decided to head to the hospital. I knew in my heart that there wasn't really anything they could do... but at the very least, they could run some tests and see if my hcg had dropped, or see if this miscarriage had already started/was imminent.

They took bloods and gave me fluids, because my BP had dropped a bit and I was dehydrated. Then it was a long time to wait for the results, and for a sonographer to come in and do a scan for me.

Hubby and I were sure it was over.

They wheeled me down for an ultrasound, and she looked through my belly first - just a blurry sac could be seen. Then, we tried dildo cam - and she could see a sac and a yolk sac, perfectly round. That was about it, and she said for being so early (5w5d) that wasn't unusual. Then she went quiet, and announced she thought she had found the baby - and she had! It was pressed right up against the wall of the uterus, and barely 2mm long. And, get this, she found a heart beat! Only 94bpm, but at that gestation, I can't believe she even found that!

I didn't get to see it, because it was an emergency screen only, but J got to witness it, and nearly fell over. Olaf is trying so hard to hang in there!

She couldn't find any reason for the bleed, except for a tiny dot next to the sac - but she said everything looked fairly good from what she could see this early on. The truth would come with the blood test results.

We got back to the emergency ward, and waited .. and the doctor came in and said we could go. Just like that. I looked surprised, and she said 'Oh, you have a viable pregnancy, it's all okay'. The blood test results had returned, they just hadn't told us. It rose from 3896 on Tuesday to 9243 Thursday.
She couldn't explain the bleeding but told me to take it easy and rest, and I'm booked in to see my OB this afternoon anyway - but even through those gushes, there's a baby in there right now.

Please tell me some good stories about random bleeds in early pregnancy? I've been pregnant five times, and never ever experienced anything like this.

After yesterday's beta that showed a drop in progesterone, I woke up this morning spotting.

Trying not to panic but OH MY GOD I AM PANICKING.

Clinic says it's likely progesterone irritation since I'm on such a hefty dose - haven't heard back from my OB yet, but man... I really didn't need this right now.

Hang in there, Olaf.

No more blood tests.. but I did another digital test yesterday and hit the holy grail of pee sticks. I can't remember what the average hcg was to reach the 3+ mark, but whatever it is, it's made me very happy! :)

And so, we have hit the 5 week mark... and now begins the dreaded two week wait for a scan.

I am petrified that something will go wrong between now and then.
I am petrified that we'll get bad news at the scan.
I am petrified in general.

Sensing a theme here?

Nothing to do but now wait, and cross everything we have that this one turns out well! Still.. I am pregnant today!

I have my beta numbers from earlier this morning:

12dpo hcg - 28, progesterone 15
17dpo hcg - 286, progesterone 30.4
20dpo hcg - 1092, progesterone 38

We are still pregnant! Again, at least for today. But that's as far ahead as I can get.. one day at a time.

I'm a little concerned about progesterone levels not being higher, but I have to remember this is a purely artificial programmed cycle (HRT FET) .. but if they were higher, I'd breathe a little easier.

Always something to worry about, right?

For now... I'm pregnant right now, and I have seemingly average numbers. I can't ask for anything more than that!

Just keep breathing...

Waiting for beta results is just plain torture.

That is all.

Am a nervous, anxious, petrified wreck.

Knock me over with a feather, folks. It appears that - as of today - we are pregnant!

12dpo hcg - 28, progesterone 15
17dpo hcg - 286, progesterone 30.4

The test will be in the doubling, of course - so we'll likely go back on Friday for follow up bloodwork. Breathe, just breathe.

To say I am absolutely petrified about tomorrow's beta blood draw is an understatement.

The pee sticks look okay - but then, they did last time too. It's hard to hope, epecially since they started out so faint this time too. I do have some darkening sticks from the last few days, though. The thing is, my morning sticks are always fainter than the afternoons. It seems to go against every bit of pee stick literature that you can find on the internet... but there it is.

I haven't used any pregnancy tests today. I figure that whatever will be, will be. In 24+ hours, we'll have an answer.

I should know better than to get my hopes up, but I can't help it.. they're up. And I know they could all come crashing down by tomorrow's beta results, but I am just trying so keep the faith.

I want this more than I can put into words. To get a chance at carrying another baby, to hope that this one might turn out different. Fifth time lucky, perhaps? Could this be our rainbow, rainbow, rainbow baby?

So yesterday morning, I deemed this cycle a bust. I ripped apart the pregnancy tests, deleted every image from my phone, threw a huge tantrum and rage-cleaned my bathroom. It was a meltdown, and it wasn't pretty. I ended that fit of destruction by lying on G's bed and sobbing my heart out - thankfully, she was at daycare, so I could safely let it all out.

After picking her up later that afternoon, I decided to do ONE more pregnancy test. I wasn't going to, and I was kicking myself as I was doing it, but I did it. And you know, there was a more visible line this time. It's still fairly light for 6dp5dt - or 11dpo - but it was a TONNE better than the morning's ghost.

Maybe that was a sign that this pregnancy isn't all over?

I promised hubby I wouldn't pee on any FRER sticks today, because he thinks I'll drive myself batty overanalysing a line, or panicking if there isn't enough progression. (Yeah, he's right.)

I didn't promise to not use a digital though. Loopholes, you know.

Well, all my optimism has failed me... and I was doing so well. It looks like this FET is also going to be another early loss.

Yesterday (5dp5dt - or 10dpo) was early to start peeing, but I've had squinters in the past - and surprise! We had a squinter this time too! It's hard to see, but it's there - when hubby can see it, you know you're not imagining things.

This morning's however, is even fainter than yesterday - which doesn't bode well for this one. One squinter on its own? Well, okay.. every pregnancy has to start somewhere. Two squinters, with no progression? Yeah, we know where this is headed.

I've decided I'm done with stick peeing. I can't handle the disappointment of another early miscarriage every single time I use a pregnancy test. All these losses have just sucked the joy straight out of this process, and it leaves me with dread instead.

Beta is next Tuesday, the 9th. My gut is telling me that little Olaf will have either a) fizzled out by then, or b) be barely hanging in there. So long as this loss doesn't drag out like the last one did, I guess that's that.

I'm really frustrated, you guys. This brings us over 2 years of TTC #2, 3 full IVF stim cycles, 8 transfers, months of endless waiting around - and still no closer to a baby. What do we have to do to get pregnant with a sticky baby? Are we doomed to sit and watch everyone else move ahead without us? Why does this keep happening?

I'm angry at my clinic. I want them to try new things, to throw some steroids at me, to do some more testing, to try and figure out what is going wrong - obviously my body is trying its hardest to get pregnant, but something has to give. Are the remaining 6 frosties we have even worth using? I can't do 6 more cycles, 6+ more months of endless miscarriages or negatives. We want to do whatever it takes to have another baby, but I'm just feeling so broken.

Anyway... if I'm quiet for the next week, you'll know why. No false hopes anymore, just resigned to wait for the week and get the official result from the bloodwork when we get there. This just sucks. :(

They thawed it last night & it grew from an early blasto into an expanding blastocyst. The embryologist rated it a grade 4AB.

Surprisingly, it looked very different to this picture when we saw it on the live screen before transfer. Even though it was tiny, I could see a really clear Inner Cell Mass - whereas on this image, I don't see it clearly at all. I'm assuming that this image was captured a little earlier in the day and that it had continued growing up until the transfer time, which I hope is a good thing.

It was a nice experience, except for the part where my cervix decided to disappear and play hard to get. We had a different doctor this time around doing the transfer who was lovely, and I think I'll request him for future transfers. It took him six (!) attempts with a speculum to get the ball rolling, but he was very gentle and very thorough.... and most of all, very kind.

Come on Olaf, lucky #8! Please stick. Please, please, please. Let this be a magical start to 2016. :)

The ball is rolling for 2016's first transfer.. and I'm a combination of petrified and excited.

Today is 17dp4dt - or 21dpo - or 5 weeks pregnant.

Obviously my numbers don't match up to ANY of those figures, but here we are. Limbo!

I've managed to wrangle my blood test forward a day, so it's tomorrow now instead of Tuesday. We'll hopefully know with a little more clarity, and it's no good dragging things out any longer than we need to.

I feel pregnant. Queasy, off foods, hot flashes, headaches, exhausted. I'm still on all the meds - oestrogen & progesterone - so yes, it's very likely that it's more to do with them than it is my super low hcg hormones.

I'm still peeing on sticks, because it feels like the one thing I can control at this point... and they are tearing my heart out, because they're telling a story that is likely going to be shattered by tomorrow's blood test results.

These results were from Friday and Saturday, and they appear to be darkening. What a tease, right?

I just keep thinking that if I was anyone else, if I didn't know anything about IVF or blood tests or progesterone levels or doubling betas, I'd be SO excited to see a line like that.. I wish I was blissfully ignorant and able to just accept that 'today I am pregnant'. I'm trying to - but it's sort of ruined by 'today I am pregnant, but tomorrow's blood results will say that it's ending/ended'. Even my nurse at the fertility clinic called this a 'grey area' -- and it's just the worst.

Ah, well. Not much else I can do but wait and continue praying for a miracle, even if the odds are slim.

It's not looking good.

This morning I had bloods drawn for my 18dpo doubling hcg test. To improve upon my number from Tuesday, we were aiming for an hcg increase up to 100.

I had my 16dpo beta today. Ideally, they'd like the number to be at 100 for this point in time.

The quick version: FET #7 seems to have resulted in a chemical pregnancy.
The long version: FET #7 has been a cruel, cruel experience & has left me feeling defeated.

After the transfer of our little morula/early blastocyst, things got busy. We went to a concert the following night, which was amazing but loud; I jokingly commented that the little embryo had probably already vibrated right on out of there!

The next day, Georgia and I hopped into the car with my folks for an impromptu beach getaway. Hubby couldn't take time off due to a new job role starting, so it was just us. A good five hour drive up the coast later, we settled in to our holiday accommodation and spent the next little while relaxing.

I packed a single pregnancy test into my luggage. I thought that would help me from obsessing during the TWW. While I have it in my head that all frozen transfers are going to fail, I was surprisingly hopeful about this embryo. It's the nicest one we have had in a while, the lab scientists were happy, and I was happy too.

I started having symptoms from around 6dp4dt. Incredibly tired, aching back, sore boobs and a WHOPPER pimple that devoured my chin. The last time I had a breakout like that was last October, when I was pregnant. My skin always goes nuts before anything else!

I caved that night and peed. It was negative. Blindingly negative. I was kicking myself for testing too early, and went to the local grocery store to top up on pee sticks. The next morning was 7dp4dt, so I peed again. Once again, blindingly negative.

I've always had a line, albeit a squinty line, by 11dpo, in all of my previous pregnancies. It's basically my cut off, so I figured that was that. I chucked the pee sticks in the bin in a rage and considered this to be yet another failure.

8dp4dt was not a great day. I was snippy and crotchety and absolutely starving. Oh, and mad at the universe. We took Georgia to the beach and kept ourselves busy the entire day. I didn't pee on any sticks that day.

Since it was 9dp4dt, or 13dpo, I figured I would stop my pessaries and throw in the towel. I'm on a fairly hefty dose of progesterone for transfers now because of my previous losses - so it can take a while for a bleed to occur after stopping the pessaries. If there's one thing I hate doing, it's needlessly waiting around. I'd rather just move on, and get going again.

I peed on the stick, and went to shower. After I was done, I looked back at the stick and prepared to throw out the negative result.

Except it wasn't negative.

It wasn't dark, but it wasn't a squinter. It was a faint but visible second line. I then proceeded to have a panic attack on the bathroom floor, wearing nothing but my towel. It says pregnant. But it's faint. Is it TOO faint for 13dpo? It has to be too late now. It's probably a chemical. What if it's actually worked? What do I do now?

I'm sure most people would get a positive result on a pee stick and take for granted that all is fine, and not spend hours examining the strength of the line. Anyone who has lost a pregnancy will understand my terror, I think. This positive was throwing me for a loop.

My IVF friends have a saying: prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I was doing this, yes, but I'll admit, I was hoping for a miracle. We all hear stories of people who had a really late positive, or a really faint pregnancy test, or a really late implanter. Maybe this time, I could be one of those folks?

Unfortunately, I was not.

This morning's was fainter. This afternoon's was even fainter. Like, really faint, almost squint-worthy. Well, shit.

I've been pregnant 3 times in two years. I've lost all 3 of those pregnancies at various times. 3 from 3. Not great odds.

I have a beta blood draw in two days time. Judging by the pee sticks, there won't be much, if anything, to see by then.

I'm so angry. I'd prefer this to have been a flat out negative - not this chemical pregnancy limbo again. Why does this keep happening? Our testing show we have no genetic issues, my recurrent pregnancy loss blood work all came back normal, but man.... I don't even know anymore. The bad luck run continues.

So I'm apparently pregnant. But I won't be for long.

This sucks.