Waiting for beta results is just plain torture.

That is all.

Am a nervous, anxious, petrified wreck.

Knock me over with a feather, folks. It appears that - as of today - we are pregnant!

12dpo hcg - 28, progesterone 15
17dpo hcg - 286, progesterone 30.4

The test will be in the doubling, of course - so we'll likely go back on Friday for follow up bloodwork. Breathe, just breathe.

To say I am absolutely petrified about tomorrow's beta blood draw is an understatement.

The pee sticks look okay - but then, they did last time too. It's hard to hope, epecially since they started out so faint this time too. I do have some darkening sticks from the last few days, though. The thing is, my morning sticks are always fainter than the afternoons. It seems to go against every bit of pee stick literature that you can find on the internet... but there it is.

I haven't used any pregnancy tests today. I figure that whatever will be, will be. In 24+ hours, we'll have an answer.

I should know better than to get my hopes up, but I can't help it.. they're up. And I know they could all come crashing down by tomorrow's beta results, but I am just trying so keep the faith.

I want this more than I can put into words. To get a chance at carrying another baby, to hope that this one might turn out different. Fifth time lucky, perhaps? Could this be our rainbow, rainbow, rainbow baby?

So yesterday morning, I deemed this cycle a bust. I ripped apart the pregnancy tests, deleted every image from my phone, threw a huge tantrum and rage-cleaned my bathroom. It was a meltdown, and it wasn't pretty. I ended that fit of destruction by lying on G's bed and sobbing my heart out - thankfully, she was at daycare, so I could safely let it all out.

After picking her up later that afternoon, I decided to do ONE more pregnancy test. I wasn't going to, and I was kicking myself as I was doing it, but I did it. And you know, there was a more visible line this time. It's still fairly light for 6dp5dt - or 11dpo - but it was a TONNE better than the morning's ghost.

Maybe that was a sign that this pregnancy isn't all over?

I promised hubby I wouldn't pee on any FRER sticks today, because he thinks I'll drive myself batty overanalysing a line, or panicking if there isn't enough progression. (Yeah, he's right.)

I didn't promise to not use a digital though. Loopholes, you know.

Well, all my optimism has failed me... and I was doing so well. It looks like this FET is also going to be another early loss.

Yesterday (5dp5dt - or 10dpo) was early to start peeing, but I've had squinters in the past - and surprise! We had a squinter this time too! It's hard to see, but it's there - when hubby can see it, you know you're not imagining things.

This morning's however, is even fainter than yesterday - which doesn't bode well for this one. One squinter on its own? Well, okay.. every pregnancy has to start somewhere. Two squinters, with no progression? Yeah, we know where this is headed.

I've decided I'm done with stick peeing. I can't handle the disappointment of another early miscarriage every single time I use a pregnancy test. All these losses have just sucked the joy straight out of this process, and it leaves me with dread instead.

Beta is next Tuesday, the 9th. My gut is telling me that little Olaf will have either a) fizzled out by then, or b) be barely hanging in there. So long as this loss doesn't drag out like the last one did, I guess that's that.

I'm really frustrated, you guys. This brings us over 2 years of TTC #2, 3 full IVF stim cycles, 8 transfers, months of endless waiting around - and still no closer to a baby. What do we have to do to get pregnant with a sticky baby? Are we doomed to sit and watch everyone else move ahead without us? Why does this keep happening?

I'm angry at my clinic. I want them to try new things, to throw some steroids at me, to do some more testing, to try and figure out what is going wrong - obviously my body is trying its hardest to get pregnant, but something has to give. Are the remaining 6 frosties we have even worth using? I can't do 6 more cycles, 6+ more months of endless miscarriages or negatives. We want to do whatever it takes to have another baby, but I'm just feeling so broken.

Anyway... if I'm quiet for the next week, you'll know why. No false hopes anymore, just resigned to wait for the week and get the official result from the bloodwork when we get there. This just sucks. :(

They thawed it last night & it grew from an early blasto into an expanding blastocyst. The embryologist rated it a grade 4AB.

Surprisingly, it looked very different to this picture when we saw it on the live screen before transfer. Even though it was tiny, I could see a really clear Inner Cell Mass - whereas on this image, I don't see it clearly at all. I'm assuming that this image was captured a little earlier in the day and that it had continued growing up until the transfer time, which I hope is a good thing.

It was a nice experience, except for the part where my cervix decided to disappear and play hard to get. We had a different doctor this time around doing the transfer who was lovely, and I think I'll request him for future transfers. It took him six (!) attempts with a speculum to get the ball rolling, but he was very gentle and very thorough.... and most of all, very kind.

Come on Olaf, lucky #8! Please stick. Please, please, please. Let this be a magical start to 2016. :)

You know what sucks even more than a random puking bug in the middle of the night? NOT BEING PREGNANT.

Seriously, I spent hours in the bathroom this morning, sick as a dog (with no idea what caused it) & no, I'm definitely not pregnant from this cycle. Being knocked up is about the only time when I wouldn't mind having my head in the loo for a few hours. Being as infertile as ever & still barfing? That's just plain mean.

All lurgies aside, we're still just plugging away. Tomorrow is my official blood test, so as soon as that's done, I'll be quitting the progesterone & the progynova. Can't wait to have a break from those two things, to be honest. Bring on a bleed!

I've been in touch with my new clinic, who you might recall, we swapped to in May after another disastrous stim cycle at our previous one. With all the time we've spent chatting to them, we've still not had the opportunity to do a full stim with them yet; we were busy moving over & dealing with the frozen embryos. Now that those options have fizzled out, it's time to look ahead and plan what to do next.

Originally, they had designed a protocol for me that looked a bit like this:

*antagonist (short) cycle, starting with jabs day 2
*200iu of Gonal-F
*orgalutran as the antagonist.

That was all well & good at the time - but that's the EXACT same protocol I followed in the last stim cycle, that led to increased progesterone levels pre-egg retrieval, and a freeze all. And if you go even FURTHER back to our previous stim cycle in November (also antagonist), we had the same results again: stupid, too-high too-early progesterone levels and a freeze all. You guys, I haven't had a fresh transfer since Georgia's cycle. And we've been back on this IVF train for 18 months now. That's ridiculous.

I ended up contacting them & vented my concerns about the same issues coming up again. They've decided that we will give the original cycles a go - long, down-reg protocols. I'm not sure of what dosage they will have me on yet, but it'll mean going back on the pill first & then injectables a little later.

Sure, the impatient part of me wants to do another antagonist cycle and stim NOW NOW NOW, but the logical part of me is telling me that it's a good idea to try something new. It might take longer, but hopefully the end results will be worth it. After all, it got me my little girl, you know?

The only downside apart from the longer cycle time, is that I always got less eggs retrieved doing it that way. (5 eggs/ 3 eggs respectively in down-reg vs. 13 eggs/ 10 eggs respectively in antagonist.) I'm trying to remind myself that it's quality over quantity; what good is getting more eggs when NONE of them could make it to blastocysts? But it's still scary. I'm 5 years older than I was when we started IVF.

Anyway... that's where we're at right now. Being patient. Being positive - or at least trying to be.

I mean, we're due for something spectacular soon, right?

I know I said I wasn't going to pee on a stick... but yeah, I figured I'd protect myself and get it over with.

No surprises folks; it's a negative.

You'd think I wouldn't be that disappointed, since I was feeling so let down after the experience at transfer day on Monday.. but this one still hurt. Deep down, I think we all still hope for the best, for for the chance to be the 'miracle' BFP that we're always told about. It wasn't to be.

I need to get my head back in the game for yet another stim cycle, which terrifies me. All these hurdles, and then all these negatives and failures - I'm starting to doubt that we'll ever get to be parents again.

That scares me more than I can say. We love being parents, even on the hardest of days - and we have so much more to give. I want Georgia to have a sibling, someone to grow up with. I don't want her to be alone.

I just wish we had a crystal ball and could know how much more is ahead of us - to have an end in sight.

Onwards & upwards, I guess.

You can tell that it's not my usual TWW when I had to stop and actually count backwards to figure out how many days past transfer today was. That is SO not me. What day is it again? Right. 4dp5dt.

Normally I'd be peeing on sticks by now. Not this time. I honestly don't want to waste any more money than I already have on this entire crapshoot of a cycle - the stim itself, the $$ in moving the embryos, the cost of the frozen cycle. All this to rest on one dodgy embryo.. yeah, not worth it.

I'm still undecided about when to go for my blood test. Do I do it on my birthday, like I'm supposed to? Or do I do it the day before, since I don't particularly care for a BFN on that day. Do I pee on a stick that morning, just to prepare myself for the worst that I know is coming? I've never waited out for a blood test before. I don't know what to do.

I wish you got your money back when you had a failed cycle. It would make things just that little less crappy.

We were pretty giddy with excitement this morning on our way to the new clinic. Nervous, yes, but excited. We hadn't heard anything - and were hoping that would mean we'd have a good embryo to transfer. That wasn't to be.

In all of our IVF cycles, I've never sobbed my way through an embryo transfer before. Today was a first.

All of our embryos died, bar two. Both of those two were behind. They transferred the better looking of the two (still a morula, not even a blastocyst yet) and the other one we found out this afternoon was unsuitable to freeze, so that was binned. Out of 8 embryos, we didn't get a single good one.

This was our pity transfer. It's not even ROUND for pete's sake - I've never seen such a sad looking embryo. I'm supposed to have a blood test on my birthday in 11 days. I can't think of anything worse than getting a BFN, just as I age another year with no baby in my belly.

I don't blame my new clinic. They did everything they could - at the end of the day, these weren't their embryos. They weren't frozen the way they would have done, they weren't grown out at the optimal time, and they were from a cycle that was frozen due to crazy hormones. But I honestly thought we would get at least one nice looking embryo; surely one wasn't too much to ask for?

It's like being kicked in the guts, all over again. And worse, having nothing left over means planning for another stim cycle, emotionally & financially. I just want a baby; I want off this rollercoaster.

My official test day is today - and unsurprisingly, it's still a BFN. Another failed cycle, no miracles here.

I was really starting to think we had a shot, if I'm honest.

The back aches continued, the appetite disappeared, and shadows started appearing. It's been two days now, and I saw shadows on several internet cheapies... and bright enough that even hubby could see them.

We began to get hopeful.

Unfortunately, the big guns at early detection, the FRER tests, showed negative yesterday at 7dp3dt and negative again this morning at 8dp3dt. And those are the ones I trust.

Shit. :(

Looks like another failed cycle.

Negative so far, even though I know I was silly for testing so early.

Only a few days into the TWW and I'm already going crazy. Nothing much to report right now... except I'm really fearful that this hasn't worked, already. No symptoms, nothing. I'll probably start testing from around 10dpo and see what happens. Man, I'd like to be able to surprise everyone - and most of all myself - with a pregnancy from this transfer.

For now, I'm just trying not to think like it's over already... though it's hard to keep those thoughts away! Come on, emby.

I knew the minute my phone rang that it was bad news. No news is good news with my clinic... a phone call is the opposite.

The embryologists thawed my remaining five embryos on Thursday. Two died during the thaw. The remaining three embryos that survived, were left & checked this morning at day 3. Two showed very little development and were only 2-cell. One embryo was on par, so they decided to transfer that one early. The scientist said that if only one embryo looks good and is all that's left, there's no point in growing out to blastocyst stage - that it's better off back in my uterus, where it'll grow if it's good enough.

So with about an hour's notice this morning, we went in for a 3 day transfer. It was a pretty smooth transfer process.

Day 3 8-cell on the left, Day 3 VERY behind 2-cell on the right. Both transferred.

We are PUPO now... pregnant until proven otherwise. A day 3 transfer wasn't what we were hoping for; I don't have a lot of faith in them, but the good embryo looked pretty & they were confident with it. They also put back one of the slower embryos, but that was only because it had next to no hope of going anywhere. We'll just consider it to be there for moral support, I guess.

I can't believe our luck. It's gone from one bad thing to the next, and I am getting to the point now where I quite honestly don't even know what we've done to be so unlucky.

Today's transfer means that out of 13 eggs retrieved, out of 8 mature and fertilised embryos, we didn't even get a single good blastocyst. 2 embryos {3 if you count the slow one, which I don't} out of 8 made it to a transfer. Not the greatest results from an IVF cycle. We had better success with our first few cycles, pre-Georgia.

Driving to the clinic today, all I could think about is how unfair this whole thing is. Babies that aren't wanted, pregnancies that aren't wanted, good people missing out on getting the chance to bring a child/children home to their family. Why it's so easy for some people to get pregnant, why some people will never know the grief that infertility brings to others. Why us? It was a bit of a pity party for two.

The universe is all kinds of fucked up, that's for sure. All I know is that we're not done fighting yet.

We'll battle on... because the pain of giving up completely is WAY worse than the pain of infertility treatments.

So this cycle has officially failed. I won't say I told you so.. but I knew from the minute we saw that embryo, that this wasn't going to work. You can say I was being negative, but honestly, I was trusting my gut.

I'm more disappointed than I thought I would be - especially after that inkling that it wasn't going to work. I guess we all secretly hope for a miracle, or to be one of 'those' stories you Google, about late positives turning into healthy babies. The never ending cycle of hope and disappointment.

So now comes the wait for the oestrogen & the progesterone to leave my system ... hoping that a period comes sooner rather than later - but with my body, who knows how long it could take?

It just makes me pretty sad that there will be no 2015 baby for us.

Last night, a bunch of us went for a walk - my parents, Georgia in the stroller, and me. 

It was pretty dark while we were out... but it was cool, so that was a perk. As we were walking down past the local primary school, I happened to get a feeling and looked up - and there was a beautiful owl perched right on the pole next to me. It was absolutely silent, and blended in with the darkness - so I'm not sure what it was that made me look up. For some reason, I had this feeling that it was a sign of some kind.

I did a bit of research after getting home, because I was curious. Symbolic meanings for the owl are:

Intuition, ability to see what others do not see

The presence of the owl announces change

Capacity to see beyond deceit and masks

Wisdom

The traditional meaning of the owl spirit animal is the announcer of death, most likely symbolic like a life transition, change

When the owl shows up in your life, listen and look out for the subtle signs that are around you. Your animal spirit guide is a great helper to be attentive to what usually goes below your radar, but is now of particular importance.

Well, I don't know about wisdom - but change? Change I can handle. We are 7dp5dt and all is negative, and we're now just waiting for this cycle to be over. It hasn't worked. I could use a change. 

I was thinking about all we've gone through since we started trying for a second child. First, it was weaning Georgia & trying on our own (hoping to be one of those miracle stories that everybody likes to tell you about - you know, IVF for baby #1 and then SURPRISE! Natural baby for #2. Yeah. No.) Then, losing some weight while waiting for our specialist appointment. Seeing our specialist and making a plan. Letrozole & FET #1 bringing the best news ever - and then the saddest thing that's ever happened to me, finding out the baby had died & having a d&c at 11 weeks. Waiting for months for the miscarriage to be over, for my body to co-operate and get back to 'normal'. Letrozole & FET #2 bringing an even better surprise - and that happiness not even lasting more than a few weeks, when we found out that was a nonviable pregnancy also. Then having to do another full IVF stim cycle... the eager anticipation of a fresh transfer, maybe a new start - but nope, that didn't work out either, with progesterone being too high & the cycle being a freeze all, no transfer. Then waiting, more waiting - Letrozole failing to work, then Gonal-F failing to work, then an ovarian cyst needing birth control for a month. All this waiting, and sadness - and then we tried a Programmed FET with Progynova & Progesterone - and it worked beautifully. A picture perfect lining, a perfect 14 day cycle with a day 5 transfer... until we walked into that waiting room to find a less than ideal, sad looking behind embryo. And now, not surprisingly, a BFN. 

 It's just shit. This whole thing is shit. 

And I'm feeling less than confident about our remaining day 1 embryos. I just want to stop all oestrogen and progesterone support and have a period - but then there's that little part of my brain {the stupid part} that says to hold on and wait, maybe I'll be one of THOSE stories on the interwebs who gets a late BFP and ends up with a baby. Maybe. Always a maybe. 

If that owl was trying to give me a message, I wish it had been a bit clearer. I'm feeling so lost right now.

I was starting to get hopeful - some shadows on the cheapy pee sticks, and some phantom symptoms that I haven't had in a while; pre-eating nausea, sore boobs, tiredness.

Consider me smacked back to reality. Stark white BFN today on the First Response.

I'm sure your first instinct is to tell me that it's just too early... and yeah, it is, especially with a lagging embryo. But in every single one of my positive pregnancies, I've had a line by 10dpo. Faint, but there.

I should have been expecting this, but I still feel like I've been kicked in the guts.

My brain is a big old mess right now - so I'm resorting to bullet points to help me organise the chaos.

• This TWW is dragging, like they all do. Today is 4dp5dt but I'm taking that with a grain of salt. You guys saw the embryo; even though it was a day 5 transfer, the emby itself was a lot slower than that. I suppose I'd be smart to keep this in mind when I start the pee-stick obsessions.
  
• I'm still feeling less than hopeful. Hubby is being positive, as always, telling me I have a good track records of transfers working (but not staying) - but they were all proper blasties.
  
• I have cheapy sticks to pee on this month. After wasting countless $$ on First Response tests over the last few transfers, I'm feeling frugal this time around. No expensive sticks unless a smidgen of a line shows up on an el-cheapo.
  
• It's Georgia's birthday next weekend. My baby is 2. Am in total denial that this is happening.
  
• This kid is AWESOME. She's chatting a lot more lately, and has the cutest little munchkin voice ever. She's learning her manners, and can say please ("thease, mama") and thank you, but will NOT say I love you. She laughs when we suggest it... cheeky monkey.
  
• She's a total dare devil. Current favourites are throwing herself backwards in a free fall on the lounge and running at a million miles an hour. Gives us heart attacks constantly!
  
• Speaking of Georgia, she's been in the wars lately. She's been fighting with her two year molars, and then caught a virus and has been sick as a dog for the last week. We're at the tail end now, but bronchitis and a round of antibiotics + a nasty cough has kicked our butts. The amount of times she's coughed so much, she's puked... ugh. We're all tired.
  
• It seems like she's trying to pass her sickness on to us. Hubby is down, my throat is scratchy!
  
• But I've been sick in three out of the four last TWW's after transfers... ho hum.
  
• I'm an AUNTY! My brother and SIL have welcomed a little boy into their family. No name yet, and he's spending some time in the NICU for his breathing, but we're overjoyed he's here safely.
  
• I can't believe that I would have been welcoming a little boy myself too. Makes me a bit sad that we won't have little boys running around and growing up together, but it just wasn't meant to be.