Hi there,

Well embryo, you're officially in my uterus. 'Sup? People might think I'm strange to be talking to you as if you're real, but you're real.. to us. Today was the transfer, which wasn't particularly pleasant, I'll be honest. (Is there ever a pleasant time to be had when a speculum is inserted up your lady parts?)

Seeing my super awesome husband tottering around in a surgical cap and gown was the highlight of my day - but he got his own back by snapping a horrendous photograph of me, which I'll share with you because I'm cool like that.

We gowned up and were ushered straight in the room, and guess who was waiting for us up on the monitor? IT'S YOU. The doctor said you were a perfectly formed 8-cell embryo, right on par for Day 3. Well done, you!


Unfortunately, your fellow embryo friend stopped developing yesterday, so this is it: you're our one and only. I think I'm going to call you our little miracle. Maybe we were only meant to get this far with you. No pressure or anything.

I'll spare you the gory (& slightly uncomfortable) details, but before we knew it, you were zooming up the catheter and that was that. They checked the tube to make sure you weren't being sneaky and hanging out there, but nope... you're with me. We ungowned, laughed giddily, and we were done. Easy as pie.

I have to admit, wee embryo, that I waddled my way back to the car with my knees touching. Yes, I had that irrational fear that gravity would have you fall straight out of me and end up on the sidewalk somewhere. We had a nice chat, you and I, on the drive home - though I should apologise for the foul language. Idiot drivers, you know.

Anyway, that's about it from me. I'm going to be busy resting up and making my womb as comfy and enticing for you as possible. I may even bribe you.. can I get you something? Water? Cookies? A car? You name it, I'll do it. Have fun in there, miracle embryo. I'll be here, googling every symptom and praying you'll stick around.

Signing off,
Aly

I've been in this funk, really, seriously quite depressed since the egg collection and fertilisation report. This weekend has been awful. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fertility team, in everything that didn't go as I had prayed that it would. I was comparing myself to others at the same part of this journey, wondering why I was chosen to have such a poor go at it, and why they seemed to have it all turn out perfectly.

I was getting sad, then angry, then sad again, at comments that I'm sure were meant to make me feel better, but just rubbed me the wrong way. I was scared too; scared of having to mentally prepare myself for a new cycle, scared of the wait that would come during that mandatory time off to recover, physically and emotionally. I was worried that financially, we wouldn't be able to have another go - something which everyone just assumes you'll do.

I felt love, so much love towards my husband. He has been so wonderful; even though I can tell that he doesn't understand that I've been hit by a massive blow. He has stayed positive, he has looked after me, he's done everything he possibly could have to help me heal.

So, yes. If you throw an emotion at me, I probably felt it over the past few days.

I woke up this morning feeling (dare I say it?) excited for the days ahead. My pain is a little better, although it still flares up if I move too fast or if I'm using the bathroom. Gravity=ouch. A good friend from online gave me some beautiful advice: just do things one step at a time. And so, I am. My focus is Monday. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we're going to transfer an embryo, something that we created. It may stick, it may not, but we're having a go. And isn't this what the goal has been all along? To give ourselves, and our potential baby, a chance? So, I am excited.

Excited, but also still a little scared. But I think that's okay.

I'm completely gutted.

We've gone from a possible 10 mature follicles.. to 5 eggs collected.. to 2 embryos.

Could this cycle have gone any worse?

I can't even talk right now, I am just so disappointed.

I wish I was writing this post with more enthusiasm, but it's hard to be positive while feeling sad & disappointed.

Let me preface this picture by saying the following: Yes, that's a pee stick. No, I'm not pregnant.

I do find it a little sad that the first time I get two pink lines on a pregnancy test is thanks to synthetic hormones. I decided to 'test' out the trigger injection that I took last night, and even on an el cheapo stick, it worked. Apparently this hormone tends to stay in your system for a while after it's injected. I think after we get to transfer stage, I'll check it every other day until I know for sure that it's gone.

Anyway... we're good to go for tomorrow morning. I'm nervous as all heck, scared of it hurting, terrified of not having any eggs - terrified of it not working, or something going wrong. But at the same time, I'm ready. I'm done with this part of our first IVF - I want to do something. I want to be in a TWW, even if the chances of it resulting in a BFP the first time are slim to none. (I don't tend to do those kinds of odds very well.)

And what perfect timing to receive a parcel from the lovely Sarah (aka Mrs Green Grass) in the mail. My very own pair of IVF socks, all the way from America. I'm taking these with me, as well as a fertility crystal a colleague gave me a few days ago, and a gorgeous turtle necklace {to symbolise family} from my BFF.

Surely with all of those good omens, we're in good hands?

See you on the flip side, hopefully with some positive news. And make sure you send load of love and eggy vibes to Mrs GG & Hapa Hopes who are having their retrievals soon, too.

Thank the heavens, my E2 levels decided to play nice - we're up over 2500 now and the nurses are really happy with it. Combined with my ultrasound and follicle sizes, we're back on schedule - just a day behind schedule.

I trigger at midnight tonight - and then all set for egg retrieval on Friday morning.

I literally just bawled my eyes out and jumped up & down at the same time. Poor Jase didn't quite know what to do.

So ready to get this show on the road, you have no idea.

I am a nervous wreck right now.

Today's ultrasound went well, I suppose. I had the same nurse as Monday - she was surprised to see me back there, since I was meant to be triggering last night and having the egg collection tomorrow. I still have around the same amount of follicles, but one monster one on the left (over 30mm!) that she's worried has been sucking up all of the FSH that I've been injecting. Greedy little bugger.

I was hoping that they'd pre-book me right in for a Friday transfer, but she said she was going to wait until the bloodwork came back before they decided. If we're lucky and E2 doubles, we might be able to trigger tonight and go for retrieval on Friday. If the E2 stays the same, or falls, they'll make the decision to either stim for longer, or to cancel the cycle. (That's about the point where I started to cry.)

Seriously, now we wait. I am sitting here with my phone, praying for a phone call - but also praying that it's for good news, not for bad. And to top it all off, this morning's shot of Puregon (150) was a right bitch, too. As if I didn't have enough to stress about, I bled after I withdrew the needle and my stomach is so tender right now. I have a feeling I'm going to get a whopper of a bruise from this one.

I feel like the people around me right now are so sick of me worrying out loud all of the time, but I feel like I've invested so much time, sanity, heartache into this process, and if it's cancelled? I honestly don't know what I'll do. I'm just praying that things will turn out okay, that we'll get the news we're hoping for this afternoon.

To be continued...

I've been so preoccupied with this IVF cycle that I've found it hard to tune out and keep my brain occupied. What better way to try and pass the time than by getting back into reading mode? A few weeks ago, I was sent an advance copy of the book 'Putting Alice Back Together' by Carol Marinelli from the folks at Morey Media.

If you're interested in finding out more, and even potentially winning some goodies for yourself, I've got some hints and tips for you. If you visit the Harlequin Australia website, you can read the first chapter for yourself & enter to win a $500 preloaded debit card. And it gets better! You can hit up the competition page here at Yahoo to win a copy for yourself & an iPod - I know I'll be entering!

I've gone from happiness to worry in the last half an hour, which is not how I expected to start today's blog post. In fact, I was originally going to gush all over the lab technician who took my blood this morning in about thirty seconds flat, proving that a) my veins aren't dead and b) those other two suckers who were stabbing me like a pin cushion SUCK. Seriously, I was in love with the guy. He was awesome.

Then, I was going to tell you how I had my ultrasound & that they found 13 follicles, around 9-10 of a decent size, and how they booked in my egg collection for Thursday morning. Squee!

The nurse this morning was great, going through the procedure, giving me all of the juicy details on how to use Crinone and giving me details on how the egg collection was going to go down. I felt really happy, organised the time off work today and got mentally prepared to trigger tomorrow evening.

(Looks like we know which ovary is doing all the work, eh?)

That was what I was going to tell you.

I got a phone call at about 5pm from a different nurse. She said that the blood test results from this morning showed that my E2 levels had plateaued. For reference, this is how they've looked so far this cycle:

Stims Day 7: 929
Stims Day 9: 1898
Stims Day 11 (today): 1872

So instead of rising, they've come to a standstill. The nurse on the phone explained that if this happens, the follicles can sometimes stop increasing in size. She told me to ignore the trigger/egg pickup advice. I'm to increase my Puregon slightly for two more days (from 125 to 150) and come in on Wednesday morning for another ultrasound and blood test to see how things have improved. If all goes well, she thinks they'll schedule me in for a Friday egg collection instead. She didn't seem particularly worried, but now I am.

What happens if this cycle stalls, after all this time and effort and money? What happens if my follies shrivel up or don't contain mature eggs, and we get nothing? If this cycle gets cancelled, I will be literally crushed. I know I asked for good thoughts today for the ultrasound, but oy, if you can spare a few more for me over the next few days, I'd really appreciate it. I'm off to google & hopefully make myself feel better.