Down, Down

Somehow, another week has passed. Time seems to be speeding up again - which is both a good thing, and a sad thing. We're further away from being pregnant; but we're closer to getting going again in the future.

Already the little milestones are hurting - we would have been 13 weeks soon, we would have gone for our NT scan and received those perfect first pictures of our baby looking like a proper little baby & we would have announced the pregnancy to the world. I can't even imagine how sad it's going to be towards bigger events, like how we should have been nearly 7 months pregnant at Christmas, or even towards the due date.

The last few days have been a bit rubbish. I finally stopped bleeding and spotting, and was relieved to have physically gotten over the last effects of the d&c... and then I got a stomach flu. Just a 24 hour bug, but all the strain of the vomiting/nausea on my body started the bleeding back up again. Not a lot, and thankfully short lived.

I also used a few cheap pregnancy tests to see how my lines were looking, since we haven't had bloods taken to check the hcg levels dropping yet. Last week's one was SUPER positive, darker than the control. That was depressing - knowing you are most definitely not pregnant, but the sticks glaring at you. The picture below shows this week; the top was Tuesday, the bottom was yesterday {Friday}. It's a squinter now. I guess my hormones are finally levelling out. It's bittersweet, isn't it? Praying so hard for your pregnancy test sticks to get darker and things to progress - and now be wanting so badly for them to be negative, so we can start again.

Emotionally, I'm feeling okay for the most part. I don't think the sadness or the disappointment will ever go away - but the random bouts of anger about the loss really surprised me. Looking at other people who are pregnant, or who have kids easily... getting upset reading about stories of neglected kids or unwanted pregnancies - why them, and not us? I even got irrationally angry reading about other miscarriage stories, of people falling pregnant soon after their losses - why? Because we can't do that. There's no 'just try again!' with us. There's no 'have a go next month!' We have to plan this whole thing, we have to PAY for this whole thing, we have to wait, constantly wait. It's just such bullshit. I would give anything to be fertile enough to get pregnant again quickly.

But yeah... we're getting there. I'll have good days, and bad days - and hopefully people will understand that.

Our OB follow up appointment is on Monday, so I'm steeling myself to be brave... walking back into his rooms full of pregnant women, getting back into his office where I found out I lost the baby, being opposite from the hospital where the d&c procedure took place. I'll have to put my big girl pants on, that's for sure.

6 Comments • Labels: , ,  


Queenie. . . said...

I'm so sorry you are going through it. All of those "milestones" are indeed hard. It does get better, eventually, with time. Until then, hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Lisa N said...

So sorry you have to deal with this. Hugs.

Breanne said...

Hugs. Thinking of you.

Liz said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's definitely not easy. I have a little pea pod necklace with 3 little pearls to represent the 3 little ones we lost. I found having something like that lets me feel like there's always a little of them with me. Hoping your follow up goes okay.

Mali said...

Here from ICLW. I am so sorry you're going through this. I well know the bittersweet confusion of feelings seeing those hcg levels falling, knowing the pregnancy has gone, but still feeling that little bit of betrayal because you want it to be over to start again.

I also can relate to the "why me?" thoughts. I wrote this about my own feelings of "why me?" and what helped me. It took time though, and right now you just need to roll with it.

Wishing you well.

Feisty Harriet said...

So many hugs, sweetheart.


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