Solitude

This quote speaks volumes to me right now:

"In the weeks after our loss, I couldn't help but wonder why and how our society has set up a situation where so many women are suffering through these experiences alone. We are encouraged not to tell people we are pregnant until 12 weeks, but then 80% of miscarriages happen before 12 weeks. So we face this incredibly life-altering experience in solitude. We wander around our "everyday" lives with a broken heart that no one else is aware of."


And that, is why I'm so grateful to have our little community. Thank you for letting me speak about our pregnancy, to grieve our loss, and to help us learn to put ourselves back together - or to crumble, if we need it. 

I'm a bundle of emotions. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm bitter and I'm frustrated. I'm terrified of feeling this way - I'm scared this is it, that we won't add to our family again, that future IVF won't work and we'll be done. I'm frightened of what the genetic testing will say from our little baby, whether it'll be an embryo issue, or whether it'll be ME. I'm upset that in my grief, I'm letting people down - my family, my husband, my daughter.

My mum got me out of the house today. We went for a walk and a cafe lunch with Georgia. She knows I'm struggling, and I appreciate her trying to help. I just can't help but feel so alone, even when I know I'm not. I wouldn't wish this on anyone; I never expected to feel this way. My heart goes out to my friends who have experienced losses that I simply could never have anticipated at the time - the sadness just doesn't seem like enough. 

I just wish the cramping and bleeding would stop. 


8 Comments  

8 comments:

~mum~ said...

you re not letting anyone down
As i told you today - you need to heal - and then we worry about the next steps
I am grieving right alongside you baby girl xoxoxo
will always be here for you
love you xoxoxo

jess said...

Early pregnancy loss is particularly difficult because people don't understand how devastating it is unless they have been through it. To other people it was a bundle of cells but to you it was an actual baby who you were starting to plan for and dream about.

Be as sad as you like, talk as much as or as little about as you want to and take as long as you need to grieve. Find the people who will support you in this and spend time with them.

One day it will start to hurt less but the timing is different for everyone.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

Sarah H said...

You aren't letting anyone down, if anything, we are letting you down. We are here whenever you need us. It may be confronting for us, but we care and we are there to listen. Always xoxo

Anonymous said...

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. You've gone through something very difficult. Give yourself permission to grieve. It does get better, but it takes time.

Jen said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. The grieving process will help you heal, and then you can have hope again for the future. If you can look at this loss in any positivity, you were able to get pregnant again! No matter why you miscarried, your body was able to create the cute little embryo, and I will hope and pray that your body will be able to do it again as soon as you're ready.

Emilie said...

Oh, sweet Aly. I'm sorry I'm just learning about all that you've been going through now! I was having a conversation with Pete just last week about friends of ours who announced a pregnancy very early. He is in the camp where you don't announce until mid-way through the 40 weeks. I would totally want to tell people right away because if I did miscarry, I'd want people to know so I could lean on them for support! This idea that we must keep it a secret for 12 weeks is ridiculous, and it only compounds the grief and loneliness for the many, many women who have to experience a miscarriage, which is just not right. I wish I could say something to take away some of your pain. Be gentle with yourself. Sending so much love over the oceans. xo

Anonymous said...

You are not alone lovely girl. All you have to do is reach out & plenty of people will help to support you! Xxx

Jesica said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you went back and read through my archives from my own miscarriage...that pain, ugh that pain is indescribable. I was so glad I had shared news of my pregnancy, it let others share in my grief and I wasn't alone, I received LOTS of stories from others about their own miscarriages and I was so grateful. Time helps, time helps a lot, so just take the time to heal, don't push yourself.





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