Not Pregnant

I thought I knew what it felt like to walk into a hospital pregnant, and walk out NOT pregnant. I thought it happened with a healthy baby in your arms, after a long and mostly uneventful pregnancy. That's all I knew. Today, I did just that - but I didn't bring home our second baby; just an empty spot in my womb and a heavy heart.

The procedure wasn't too bad. The aftermath was really bad. I spent most of the afternoon in recovery, trying to find the right drugs to help with the pain. I'm home now, and ready to sleep and to start healing - physically and emotionally, however long that takes.

This is the last ultrasound I have of our beloved little baby, the one who made me a mummy again. Arms, legs, a perfect little body - just no heartbeat. I'm so grateful to have seen that little heart beating more than once, and to have bonded with this baby for the last 11 weeks. I just wish I could have held them in my arms one day, we both do. Rest in peace, our little blob. We loved you so much and will never, ever forget you.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
The courage to change the things I can, 
And the wisdom to know the difference.


11 Comments • Labels: , , ,  

11 comments:

Liz said...

Wishing you a quick recovery physically during this tough time. I'm so sorry : (

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and wishing you a peace that surpasses all understanding. -Polly

Feisty Harriet said...

Oh honey, wishing I could give you so many hugs and gentle hair pats. Also desperately wishing you and J some peace.

xox

Jesica said...

I've never experienced a pain worse than losing our first baby at 12 weeks. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Britt said...

I'm so sorry! I'll be thinking about you!

Anonymous said...

You've been through so much - I hope you can take a bit of a break from everything and recover. Be extra kind to yourself.

M said...

It will hurt and then it won't. And you'll feel like you're lost again when it doesn't. You can get PPD from a late first trimester miscarriage. Please do what you need to do to cope and please accept my deepest condolences. We're here for you.

Anonymous said...

Ally, I am so so deeply sorry for you and your family. My heart is broken for you. Please know that there are so many people, family, friends, and even people you have never met, that are standing behind you right now. I hope your heart mends a little each day.

JennyAZ said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your husband.

Kristie said...

I am so very sorry. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.

Ariana said...

Get well soon Aly. Take care, god bless.





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