Thoughts & Fears

I haven't mentioned a lot about our high risk possibilities since the aftermath of the 12-week NT scan. There are a few reasons behind it, I suppose. I've been determined to enjoy being pregnant, and not let myself ruin the experience by unnecessary worrying. Also? I don't mention it because I'm afraid of something medical going wrong.

The original risk results that I received said that there was a 1:169 chance of abnormalities. If you remember the details, our scan was great - ultrasound looked normal & the nuchal fold was very average, at 1.4mm. The problems flagged up due to the blood screenings, with low hCG & extremely-low PAPP-A.

When I received the referral for the anatomy/morphology scan, there was an extra number thrown in there. Apart from the 1:169 for Down's Syndrome, it also specified that we were 1:100 for T18. Now those numbers are still a 1% chance, meaning there is a 99% chance that baby is fine - but I was very thrown to have seen the higher risk number there without having being told about it.

At the end of the day, it wouldn't have changed our decision not to have an amniocentesis. We wouldn't terminate this pregnancy, and the risks of complications from the testing still frighten me as much/more than the idea of a special needs child. It just would've been nice to prepare for both odds, especially the higher ones.

My 19-week medical scan is coming up early next week. A part of me is scared, yes. I'm worried about finding medical problems that point out one of the above genetic abnormalities, or a completely unique concern with baby's growth or development. I think most pregnant women worry about having a 'healthy baby' but it seems amplified by the fact that this is our miracle baby. However, the other part of me is strangely calm. There is nothing that I, or hubby, could have done differently in this pregnancy - whatever will be is what was decided from the beginning.

I have faith that we're pregnant with this baby, this time around, for a reason.

Since hubby is still away in Germany, I'll be taking my mum along again with me. She held my hand through the NT scan, cried with me at the gender scan, and will be there for me in the upcoming morphology scan, no matter what the results. And in the meantime, I keep listening to baby's heartbeat, waiting to feel her move, and sending every positive thought & prayer I have out into the universe, hoping she is going to be okay.


12 Comments • Labels: , ,  

12 comments:

Toni Rapp said...

Fingers crossed for a great check up and positive news!

heidikins said...

Hugs. So many hugs.

xox

Alana said...

What Heidikins said! I think the thing about pregnancy that has surprised me the most is how crippling the worry can be, and how little is actually in anyone's control. The night before our 20-week scan I barely even slept I was so nervous. Now I'm paranoid about preterm labour. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really feel for you - this is hard!!! But no matter what, you guys will get through it, this little one is going to be so lucky to have such wondering, loving parents :)

Kate said...

Hello from ICLW - I am trying to find the same calmness of "que sera, sera" - sending you good thoughts for your next scan!

Marianne said...

You are so strong and so amazing. And I'm praying for you. I think you're being so hard on yourself. Be positive, yes. But it's okay to feel how you feel. I hope you're surrounded by people with whom you can share your fears and will hug you at just the right moment. Many hugs from me, many miles away.

MrsBun said...

xox

Anonymous said...

Being an older mum (41) when I was pregnant with number three I had a one in 53 chance of problems simply based on my age. The results came back and they were good a one in 363 chance so we played the odds and went one to have a healthy little girl. we opted not to have the ammio as our 20 week scan was good.

Rebecca said...

Hi from ICLW. Really hoping that your baby girl will be just fine.

Caroline said...

Beautiful blog and beautifully written. :)
Congrats on your pregnancy and I wish you a safe one at that.
All you can do is enjoy it. As to a degree, what happens is mostly out of your hands..
I look forward to further reading about your journey with your little girl. :)
Caroline..x

Unceasing, Uninterrupted Valkyrie said...

What a beautiful post!! I hope that your check up goes sooo well and that you continue to be filled with such wonderful peace! :D

L said...

Ahh you would think since conceiving was so difficult for us, that maybe, just maybe we would catch a break in our pregnancies, but I guess the world just doesn't work that way. Like my mom said, we are already moms overcome with worry and we haven't even met our little ones yet. Good luck mom!! Everything will be okay...

Amber said...

Here's an ICLW hug for you! I think that any pregnant woman has fears throughout their pregnancy, but I imagine those fears are intensified after struggling with IF.





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