9 weeks + 4 days

Last night, I had an awful dream.

I was in a procedure room & they told me that the baby had died - and they were trying to put me under to organise a d&c. Only thing was... the anaesthetic wasn't working and I was wide awake. After I finally conked out and woke up, the doctor (an old GP from my childhood) told me that hey, surprise! There was actually a heartbeat. I couldn't believe it.. but then he continued on by telling me that baby looked like it had chromosomal issues & that there would be no happy ending to this story.

I woke up shaking.

I think I know why I was so preoccupied at bedtime. Yesterday, I had to book in for my 12 week scan and my NIPT blood test - and it was something I was really, really struggling with. I've had to cancel a 12 week scan before (when we lost the baby the week before) and I just... didn't want to do anything to jinx this pregnancy, you know? Unfortunately, I couldn't prolong the booking any longer though; if I didn't book now, I would be at risk of not squeezing in for a booking in the 12th week.

I got off the phone after booking it and promptly had a panic attack. It wasn't pretty. Thankfully, I've been seeing my counsellor for the last little while and we have strategies in place to help when things hit, but man.. it was a doozy.

The dream sums up my biggest fears at the moment - that baby will pass, and we'll lose it in utero. Or, that tests will show that there are medical/genetic issues with it, and we'll end up in a sad situation at some point during the pregnancy.

I've tried so hard to stay distanced from this baby, in case things don't work out - but you know it doesn't work that way. From the moment we saw a baby with a flicker, that was that. That's OUR baby. There's just so much at stake. I've just got to try and keep the faith, and remember that this is a new baby, a new chance, with new odds and new hope.

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Feisty Harriet said...

Hugs. I'm so sorry for all the anxieties and hurts and fears you are dealing with, I cannot imagine facing that all every single day and still try and be excited about little Olaf, but wanting to keep your distance, but not, but...gaaaah.

Again, hugs.


Nellie said...

You are absolutely right, this is a new baby, new chance, new hope. I was exactly the same as you, worried about jinxing myself and the pregnancy. With our secondary infertility struggle I just didn't want anything to go wrong. I would catch myself getting excited and then realising and stopping myself, it was hard. Your counsellor sounds great, I should have had one!

Jess said...

I'm sorry this is such an anxious experience for you. I wish it could just be straightforward and happy, but I know it's too complicated for that. Hopefully you will get good news at your 12-week scan and then be able to relax a bit later in the pregnancy. Xo.

doahleigh said...

That's a lot to work through. That's a heavy, fear-laden dream, and I'm so sorry you had to experience it. And that you have to live with that fear and worry every day.

Kato Potato said...

This is your baby. I'm going to believe that. Please keep believing it too. I hope the bad dreams go away.

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